Total War: Medieval and Viking Expansions

Overview and Ostentation

The team at TotalWar.com are back, this time taking war, pillaging, and assassination to the Dark Ages of Europe, North Africa, and the Middle East.

In Medieval Total War you get the choice of playing one of 12 different warring nations including the Alomahads of Morocco, the Danish of Scandinavia, and the “People of Novgorod” known more contemporarily as the Russians. At first the game might seem like a larger and more pale faced version of Shogun Total War, however there are a few key differences.

First of all, there’s the issue of princesses and your queen will continue to squirt them out as she does princes. Princesses can be used to make new alliances to foreigners by marrying them off to their royal families. They can be married to your own generals, to help keep their loyalty up. This is an especially important feature, since if your generals’ loyalty gets to low, you’ll have a revolt on your hands. A secondary feature not in step with the oriental version is the unending problem the Pope is. If you get a little to attack happy and start winning, the pope will tell you to cease hostilities with your Christian enemies with in two years (2 turns) or you will be excommunicated. And that’s when you’re Christian brothers start going on crusade… against you.

In the game I’m currently playing, I, as the French (I know, I know. It wasn’t my idea) have obliterated the British, the Aragonese, and have rather large chunks of Germany and Italy. My biggest problems right now seem to be the Polish and Hungarians who lie on my eastern borders.

Viking Invasion takes a step back in time from Medieval Times, back to the formation of and unification of England. In this game you have your choice of one of eight Anglo-Celtic tribes all vying for supremacy of the modern day UK as well as the Vikings who emanate out of Norway. The only real difference between Viking Invasion and Medieval Total War is that there is no Pope in Viking Invasion to muddle up your imperialistic devastation of your fellow Christian brothers.

I started a game as the Scots, which is harder than normal and places you your a tenuous hold on the coast of Scotland and Ulster country in Ireland. You are surrounded pretty much on all sides by threats and rivals. So far I’ve managed to take all of Northern Ireland, a ton of Coastline and am slowly destroying the North Umbrians.

Ratings and Rantings

Both games are highly interesting, entertaining and will make you think on how to decimate your electronic enemies. Graphics, as you can see from the screen shots, are fantastic and the battles are highly graphic. Thus, in my happy little tradition of continuously violating the NWOt rating scale and flaunting it for all to see, I’ve elected to take this time to rate the games. They each get a 6 out of 6.

All screen shots courtesy of TotalWar.com.

…Come back soon for Rome Total War…

The Secret Window

Break Down and Ball Breaking

Johnny Depp is back, this time as Mort Rainey, a writer with some ‘issues’ one of them being a whiney, reciprocity-type chick Amy (Maria Bello) that’s putting him through a messy divorce. Also along for the let’s kick ol’ Morty (or Johnny) while he’s down is her new pea-brained, muscle bound fuck buddy Ted (Timothy Hutton). If the movie stopped there, it’d be in the badness report section along such other winners as Josie and the Pussy Cats, Van Helsing, and the rest of their ilk. Luckily, Senior King have the good sense to write in a strange and possibly psychotic man who’s now stalking Mort for “justice.” The ending I really liked, and if you’ve ever rooted for the bad guy, you’ll think the ending is as kick ass as I did.

Rantings and Ratings

I found the plot rather transparent and the end was no surprise to me. That’s not always a bad thing, if the story itself can make up for the obviousness of what’s going to happen. The Secret Window is just such a case. It incorporates a good deal of humor (admittedly dark) and drama, and a might of creepiness, and does so rather well. Now if you’re expecting to jump out of your seat every 10 minutes from gut-wrenching horror, don’t hold your breath. Unless you’re a terminal Ned Flanders case, this movie isn’t frightening; funny yes, scary no. All in all, the Secret Window is going to ride rather high in my book with a 5 out of 6 possible points.

Starsky and Hutch

Breakdown and Ball Busting

A major cocaine deal is going down and the only two men who can foil the deal and bust the bad guys, are two idiots? Well, why not. Ben Stiller plays Starsky and Owen Wilson plays Hutch (John Hutchinson). Snoop Dog is Huggy Bar, and Jeremy Irons is the bad guy. Throw in Carmen Electra, Juliette Lewis and Amy Smart for scenery and you’ve got one helluva picture. For what will probably only amount to a low-grade spoof, it’s quite possibly one of the best cast movies out there, and that is reflected in the movie.

Rantings and Ratings

The movie was well written and the actors played their parts well, that is, the cheesy 1970s-esque lines managed to flow and fit the overall story line. The comedy is pretty much non-stop, but then again Owen Wilson and Ben Stiller are a couple of pretty funny guys. So for this mockery of the old 70’s cop drama, I dub thee 5 out of 6. After all, it does get kind of old after the 3rd time you see it.

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