In The Dog House

Dear Mr. Eccentric

My name is Miguel. I am a jockey from Florida, and keep a whole bunch of horses on my land. But my son, he wants a real pet like a dog. I told him if I won my next race, I would get him his dog. At the time, I didn’t realize that my entire family was deathly allergic to dogs. What do I do?

Miguel
Sarasota, FL

Dear Mike,

Ah Florida… land of sun, rain and its legally binding verbal contracts. You sir are in a jam, especially since it is also the land that gave birth to kids divorcing parents.

At first, I thought, that due to your stature you could easily dress up in a dog suit and pose as the family pooch. You wife would say you went out for oats and never came back. But I won’t go there.

Then I was watching The Tick on DVD the other day (yes, its a plug. A man can’t live on dispensing free advice alone!). In an episode to be released later on he comes across Speak, the capybara, and mistakes it for a dog. Now, I am in now way advocating importing a 140lb rodent into your family.

No, you can easily go for a Nutria, a 20lb rat / beaver… thing that’s become quite plentiful in your neck of the woods. They were introduced into Louisiana in the 30’s by fur trappers as a new source of pelts. Since then they’ve gone forth and multiplied and have spread throughout the southeast and become quite the pest. But your adopting and spaying and/or neutering one will help curtail the spread of the “brown menace!”

Call it a Chilean Root Hound. The boy will be happy, the family won’t sneeze to death, and you have a good excuse for your HMO to approve rabies vaccines.