This Ain't You Mum's Teatime

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Stuff you’ll be needing:

  • Dinner roll sized Potato Rolls
  • Sandwich stacker style sliced pickles
  • Ketchup
  • Lettuce
  • Piccalilli Relish
  • Egg Salad (however you like it)
  • Cookies and/or Pastries
  • Tea (no sh…)

It’s amazing how pansyassed teatime can be. Tea built empires dammit! Now it’s resigned to old ladies and stuffed animals. Well screw that, it’s time to bring afternoon tea back into palatable style.

First thing we got to do is toss out those “classic” tea sandwiches – watercress and cucumber finger sandwiches to be exact – and replace them with suitable substitutes.

First let’s tackle the cucumber sandwich: Mmmm, boy. Cucumber on white bread. Can life get anymore, err, DULL?! Come on, you might as well be serving cardboard on paper. If you need cucumber in the mix, use that tried and true side element – the pickle. Here’s what you do: Take a dinner roll, add a slice or two of pickle and top with a dash of ketchup. You can use a pickle spear, but it can get unwieldy. For added flavor add a bit of fresh horseradish, or even that white stuff you get at Roy Rodgers. That’s good eatin’.

Next the watercress sandwich: Weeds?! Weeds on toast?! Are you serious man? Let’s remedy the situation. Take another roll and add a leaf or two of iceberg lettuce. Then add a tsp. of Piccalilli relish. This makes a nice combo of sweet and tart, and is much more civil then serving lawn clippings.

Finally you can keep the egg salad sandwich, ’cause egg salad is good for any occasion. And of course we need cake. Having cake and cookies before supper is the only reason the Brits came up with afternoon tea… admit it.

Now with these new additions, not any tea will do. Herbals are just gonna die under the flavors here, so better keep them locked up till bedtime (or break out the whisky). Nay, you need strong tea for this mix. This is why I propose Lapsang Souchong.

No it’s not a little furry dog, wise guy. It’s a tea that’s cured over burning pine needles. A friend of mine calls it “campfire tea,” ’cause it has that smoldering wood smell to it. However, whether it stirs up Boy Scout memories or not is debatable… but it’s strong flavor is definitely good to offset this meal.

Eat hearty!

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Ryan is an artist / writer out of Melbourne, FL.

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