Grate (sic) Moments In Racism

July 11th, Dalas Texas… all was going as smooth as could be (read: not very) during a county commissioners meeting until the Santa Ana winds brought in a stiff breeze of stupidity.

During the meeting the conditions of the growing bureaucracy were compared to a black hole. That’s when the breeze blew clear through the ears of Commissioner John Wiley Price and out his mouth who exclaimed it was more like a “white hole” and demanded an immediate apology for the metaphor. Some judge decided to chime in too. Both Price and the judge are black. (news source)
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The NWOt Guide to Winning the Lotto

The infamous “They” say that you have a better shot getting hit by lightning than you do hitting the lotto jackpot – 1 in 2,000,000 vs 1 in about 22,957,480¹ (results may vary on your state’s contest, but you get the point).

That’s all well and good when logic and math are applied to the scene; but we’re talking lotto here! Since when has logic or reason ever factored into playing the lotto?

The laws of probability take a hike. “Suppose one buys one lottery ticket per week. 13,983,816 [Wikipedia's entry has the odds 1 in 14million] weeks is roughly 269,000 years; In the quarter-million years of play, one would only expect to win the jackpot once.²â€ Yet, there are many cases of players winning multiple times. There’s more than numbers involved when it comes to winning the lotto.

So with that, we give you the NWOt Guide to winning the lotto by wasting your luck.

Lakshmi is the Hindu goddess of wealth and fortune.³ It’s from her name that the word “luck” comes from.

The Hypothesis of Wasting Ones Luck

It may surprise you that I’ve only once played the game Dungeons and Dragons. Even then it was a brief venture, as the psychotic dungeon master sent my character to an alternate dimension never to return.

After the game I inquired as to why I was made no more and he told me that he did it to save the lives of the other players. You see, I was playing with the extra dice in between turns. Apparently this is a no-no and can have dire consequences later on. I was wasting my luck.

Mathematically speaking, in an ideal world, each time you roll the die your chances are 1 out of 6 (or 1 out of 12, or 100 or whatever number sides). Where and when you roll the die is of little consequence – its 1/6 getting a cup of coffee in the kitchen and 1/6 fighting the Bloodthirsty MegalaDoormouse in a battle arena (psychotic dungeon master, remember).

However in the land of luck, misfortune, necessity and Murphy’s laws – you can toss convention out the window.

So, let’s say I roll a 6 off to the side. My turn comes up – I’m hit in the head with an arrow and only a 6 will save my life. Because of my dice fiddling ways, I’ll not get that 6 when I need it because I “used” already it in between turns, and my brains are pinned to a tree. I wasted my luck and, for that matter, a decent amount of greymatter.

With little else to do but wait for my ride to die off as well, I began contemplating this notion. And the more I thought, the more plausible it sounded. Things rarely happen when you really need them to. And crying wolf or rolling sixes, if you prefer, will get you nowhere doubly as fast.

“There’s got to be a practical application to this idea,” thought I. “Where do random numbers and horrid luck cohabitate?”

The answer to this question, and indeed the first answer to any question when trying to find an application for a theory is, of course, the lottery!

We’ve all said at one point “I knew I should have picked that one insted!” Any number you “choose”, by the laws of bad-luck, cannot come up. This is why no matter how you do it – by birthday, anniversary or divination – your numbers never get called. We need to “waste our luck” by choosing a bunch of numbers so their chances of getting called lessen; thus leaving us a set of numbers we didn’t pick, which will invariably get called. The name of the game now is elimination.

What to do:

The problem with coming up with a surefire lotto winning method is the varied number sets available to lottos. In the United States, each state may have two or three; one with a set from 1-42, another 00 -57, and so on.

Theoretically we could program a random number generator to do the trick. The problem with this is that most RNGs produce numbers with no relation to the previous. This isn’t good… You see the universe is hunting us and uses bad luck as it’s bear trap; chaos is the stick that jams the spring. And in chaos, there can be repetition.

Besides, luck is an archaic element which can’t be combated with modern technology. The only way to do this is with the old fashioned mechanisms of chance – dice and coins.

But we still need a system to get the numbers. To cover all bases it’s probably easiest to make a system for 0-99. I seriously doubt any lotto goes over one-hundred in their scale; if they do – move.

Now, you can go to your local nerdatorium/comic shop and get yourself a D100 (hundred sided die), but that’s not nearly convoluted enough. Like I said, chaos.

So what we’re gonna do is this: get two D6s and four coins. And with these we can “easily” cast within the 0-99 number scale. Conventional thought may lead you to believe we can only do 2-12 this way, or even 11-66 but your wrong.

Each die will have 2 corresponding coins to act as a variables.
Roll your die and toss your coins.
– If the first coin (C1) is heads, go with the number on the die; unless it’s a one.
– If it’s a one, consult C2. If C2 = heads the number is 0; if C2 = tails the number is 1.
– If C1 is tales, then 1 or 2 yields 7; 3 or 4 is 8; 5 or 6 becomes 9.
Redo for the second digit of the number and record it.

The numbers you record are NOT the ones you will be playing. Remember, any number you draw by any method is destined not to come up. What we are doing is eliminating numbers till we get to 5 or 6 not picked (however many you need to play the lotto). The idea here to trick luck into thinking you are actually choosing these numbers, and thus waste the chances they show up.

Don’t worry if you come up with numbers not on your particular lotto card. This protects against the always possible curve ball. Say for example, a plane carrying another state’s lotto machine drops its cargo on the studio where your lotto is being drawn. Should there be more numbers in that lotto, your safe because you covered a whole slew of numbers.

And also don’t fret if you keep getting the same numbers over an over again. The more you choose them, the less likely they’ll be chosen by luck.

Once you’ve eliminated all the numbers you need to, do not think about any number what-so-ever, especially the ones your left with. Once you do its considered a pick and its chances of coming out go down.

The best thing to do is perform the above operations as close to the drawing as possible, then have someone else fill out a new card with the non-eliminated numbers. When you go to pay, act like your playing for the guy who filled in the card, as it never fails to have someone else win on your errand.

Tips, tricks and safeguards.

Focus:

Depending on your lotto scale, it may be a good idea to tailor your number divination to your needs. It will both save time and focus the luck energy to numbers at hand.

I will use the Florida lotto number set for an example. It runs from 1-53. This make things a lot quicker as the set ends in the fifties. I can use a die alone to get the first digit (1,2,3,4,5,6 = 0,1,2,3,4,5 respectively), and thus I can roll both die at the same time.

The second digit will follow the same rules as before. This only leaves 7 numbers (00, 54, 55, 56, 57, 58 , 59) not in the set, as compared to the 47 that would have been had I not focused my method. Like I said before, however, don’t worry about calling numbers not pertaining to your set… it guards against weirdness, which bad luck likes.

Orientation:

The universe is non-linear. Just because you look at your dice from one angle, that doesn’t mean the forces being enacted see things from your point of view. So, in order to cover yourself, it is recommended that you when you record your eliminations, you do so from varied directions.

Obviously you begin with the standard left to right reading. But what if your on the wrong side of the table? I recommend at least adding the right to left reading onto your lotto card, in case your seat is cursed. True paranoids can take the numbers from another face – not the one pointing up but at you.

Should you have any games left on your card, add a few quick picks for good measure.

Anti-Mojo:

Keeping in mind that we’re divining these numbers under the ruse we actually want them. So we can do things that would otherwise inadvertently curse those numbers and not care. It’ll actually help. Think of it as a bad-luck feedback loop. Just as a negative times a negative equals a positive integer, our bad luck times the universe’s natural bad luck has got to equal good fortune!

This can be done in many ways, so you need to be creative. I, for example, painted a black cat on the cup I used to toss the die and coins, and used WWII era Nazi Reichsmarks instead of pennys. As I recall, the Germans didn’t fair too well back then.

And there you have it: How to win the lotto by wasting your luck. It’s just as sound as any other cockamamie get rich scheme. Should you win anything, please keep us in mind when it comes to handing out those 10%s. Happy betting!

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How to be a Creep at Xmas

by Ryan Livingston & Ray Macula

The Christmas season is upon us… again. Year after year it’s the same old thing, same Santa, same carols, same socks, same fruitcake (dusted off and re-packaged of course).

In order to make Christmas a little more interesting allow us to present ways to become a Christmas creep this season. Don’t worry, Santa’s no longer looking in order to fill his production quota.

Ask for gifts that come in large and/or odd packaging; something that when wrapped it’ll be obvious what it is. This gives the giver the challenge of wrapping creatively, making Xmas a sport of sorts.

Wait on the roof with a hose and hope the carolers come around on a particularly cold night.

Find where your loved ones hide the presents, then move them to the other side of the house. Be sure to have popcorn ready when they go to get them.

Go to midnight mass and instead of falling asleep, argue with the priest/minister.

Replace all the booze at your Xmas party with non-alcoholic substitutes then bribe your guests for better gifts (and cash) with the good booze.

Take the eggs you’ve saved from Easter and add them to the batch waiting to go in the nog.

Tell your guests that you’ll be playing one of the few movies out there that sow the true meaning of Christmas, and then put on Jurassic Park 3.

Shoot your limit of those Blow-up Reindeer Lawn decorations.

Then go to town on the Snowmen and Santas.

Put turbans on all of the ornaments and decorations that are human/human like; eg, Santa, teddy bears, etc.

Cry about not getting a dreidel.

Encourage children to wake their parents at 4am both on the 24th and 26th yelling, “Santa Came, Santa Came”

Rig the lights on the Xmas tree so they go up the angel’s skirt (conveniently sitting on top of the tree. Then rant for 30 minutes on what kind of funk things could be going on “up there,” as well as remark “no wonder she’s got such a big smile.”

Put The Chipmunks Christmas Song on loop, and hide the CD player.

Put mistletoe in the bathroom, and then wait outside whenever a pretty girl goes in.

Pronounce the “T” in Christmas.

And always remember:

The Small Door Movement

Many people in many places do many things that many of us would never think of doing. But then somehow news of theses things get around, and then many more people begin doing it. This is what we call a “movement.” Now is your chance to join one of these movements…

How many of you out there have at one point ever wished you were someplace else? At work? At home? Right now, wherever you are?

Well here is what you do: take some paper, cardboard, pens, pencils, scissors, tape and other implements of destruction like that and make yourself a little door. That’s it, just a little door. Stick it someplace in plain sight – on a wall, on desk, on another door, at home, school, work, etc. Be creative.

You now have a gateway to another realm! Quantum Physics was never so simple.

When people walk by and ask what’s the deal, just tell them, “this is my ticket out of here.” Use it as a meditation tool as you think “what’s behind the door today.”

Need a scapegoat? Just say it was the little green man behind the door that did or forgot it. Or conversely, you humble types can pass on the praise. The little green man won’t mind either way.

The possibilities are limitless!

It’s the perfect “why not” answer project… as in, “why’d you do it?”

And it gets better still, stand up and be recognized. Take pictures and send them to us.

Go to the forums. Post and tell us what your little door represents, and we’ll post it here.

Get to it!

And remember, the small doors campaign is a Gateway Movement (not the computer company)… you say you want to be an activist, but don’t know where to begin? Start off small with this and soon you’ll be on your way to bigger and better movements.

Note: The NWOt does not condone defacing public or private property not of your own for such sillyness… you’ve been warned.

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My Lunch With Steven

A few months ago I had a chance to sit down and chat with Dell Dude Steven, famous spokesperson of Dell computer systems. The conversation was very revealing, and I think I almost turned the lad around from his spastic ways; but alas soon after this very converstion, he turned into a pile of goo only able to say but a few lines of text. See for yourself, IM him at DellDudeSteven. Ah see! I told you…. goo.

Anyway, here is the encore presentation of My Lunch With Steven.

RML : Tell me about your childhood.
DellDudeSteven : you want me 2 tell u about your childhood?
RML : yes
DellDudeSteven : that right?
RML : yes
DellDudeSteven : aha.
RML : Great band, but tell me about your upbringing
DellDudeSteven : great band but tell u about my upbringing? that’s pretty interesting, RML.
RML : Is it? How?
DellDudeSteven : it’s tough 2 say.
RML : I know its tough, but its good to get things out in the open
DellDudeSteven : but it is good to get things out in the open! interesting.
RML : You’re being hostile
DellDudeSteven : oh yeah??
RML : See
DellDudeSteven : what about see?
RML : That isn’t even proper English
DellDudeSteven : 4 real?
RML : yes
DellDudeSteven : yup
RML : uh huh
DellDudeSteven : yep!

>>> wanna figure out which dell system is best for u? type “my dell” 2 find out about some excellent setups…
RML : don’t change the subject…. Tell me about when you were young!
DellDudeSteven : yeah yeah, whatever.
RML : We can’t solve your problem without getting to the roots of the problem… your roots
DellDudeSteven : oh yeah?
RML : That is right
DellDudeSteven : no way!!! really?
RML : way
DellDudeSteven : no way
RML : way
DellDudeSteven : no way
RML : way
DellDudeSteven : no way
RML : way
DellDudeSteven : no way

RML : way plus 1
DellDudeSteven : really? 1?
RML : 2
DellDudeSteven : i’m sorry, what?
RML : 2
DellDudeSteven : i’m trying 2 understand u but i can’t.
RML : Two!
DellDudeSteven : Two!? what about it?
RML : What comes after it you Waynes World reject
DellDudeSteven : oh really?
RML : sorry wrong syntax: (:-\) : what comes after it you Waynes World reject?
DellDudeSteven : i can’t be too sure.
RML : Can’t you answer any questions
DellDudeSteven : maybe, maybe not. u know how it is.

anyway, what else can u tell me?
RML : This isn’t about me
DellDudeSteven : is that right?
RML : Steven, if that is your real name, I have called you here because you have serious problems. You are a twit, and not only that, but a burned out idiot. But, Lord knows why, I feel it is my duty to help you.
DellDudeSteven : yeah?
RML : yes, now, I want you to take a look at some pictures and tell me what you see. OK?
DellDudeSteven : wow, that’s crazy… i just dunno!
RML : Well, think it over and get back to me later. But we must do something, your time is almost up.
DellDudeSteven : yeah??
RML : Yes
DellDudeSteven : uh huh

so anyway… what else can u tell me?
RML : I can tell you that you’re wasting the peoples time.
DellDudeSteven : really?
RML : You do know this is a live interview, right?
DellDudeSteven : i see what you’re saying… but i’m not totally sure.
RML : Look around you… cameras, microphones and a stenographer with really fast hands… Hi Betty.
DellDudeSteven : ah, u want 2 find out about digital cameras, huh? sweet! u can learn all about what 2 look for in Dell’s Digital Camera Buying Guide. then if u want 2 get one, u can check out Dell’s fine, fine selection of choices…

**next line removed due to shameless linking by steven**

RML : That’s not what I meant and you know it.
DellDudeSteven : that a fact?
RML : yes
DellDudeSteven : yeah
RML : Stop that!
DellDudeSteven : u stop.
RML : No, you stop!
DellDudeSteven : oh??
RML : You’re making me angry.
DellDudeSteven : oh really?
RML : yes you are
DellDudeSteven : u humans always say the weirdest things!

well. anyway…

i know a thing or three about computers. try me…
RML : AHA!!!! You humans eh? You’re not human are you?
DellDudeSteven : yeah, maybe!
RML : Explains a lot
DellDudeSteven : explains a lot? i dunno.
RML : Hmm lets do some free association, shall we? I say a word, you say the first thing that comes to mind. k?
DellDudeSteven : i’m not so sure about that, RML.
RML : Well give it a go, alright?
DellDudeSteven : ha! who knows?
RML : Ok
DellDudeSteven : yeah

it’s all good. so, tell me something new.
RML : First word: Bread.
DellDudeSteven : huh?
RML : Bread
DellDudeSteven : what about it?
RML : what comes to mind when I say bread?
DellDudeSteven : funny. i just dunno!
RML : ok, Fish
DellDudeSteven : k

anyway, what else do u wanna talk about?
RML : fish.
DellDudeSteven : fish? why did u say that?
RML : free association, remember… now focus
DellDudeSteven : what?
RML : pay attention
DellDudeSteven : i’m here!

>>> ok, ok, so i’m really a robot… if u type “home” i’ll show u all the stuff i like 2 talk about.
RML : robot, feh…. quit making stuff up
DellDudeSteven : ha! u humans say weird things.

ok, ok… enuf of that… what else is up?
RML : Gateway
DellDudeSteven : there are lots of great computers out there, but i like Dell’s the best. wanna know why?
RML : no
DellDudeSteven : ok
RML : Gateway
DellDudeSteven : there are lots of great computers out there but Dell’s the best, IMHO. wanna know why?
RML : IBM
DellDudeSteven : there are lots of great computers out there, but i like Dell’s the best. wanna know why?
RML : MAC
DellDudeSteven : there are lots of great computers out there but Dell’s the best, IMHO. wanna know why?
RML : I’m sensing repression
DellDudeSteven : oh really??
RML : Pacard Bell
DellDudeSteven : i’ll have 2 think about that 4 awhile.
RML : Comodore 64
DellDudeSteven : i seem 2 be having some trouble answering your questions. try asking for help for a specific service:

1 Dell help
2 hangman help

RML : Newton
DellDudeSteven : newton?
RML : you know, Apple’s first palm device
DellDudeSteven : ok, what about it?
RML : what do you think about it
DellDudeSteven : it? i dunno what i think of it.
RML : doesnt surprise me a bit.
DellDudeSteven : what? doesn’t surprise u a bit?
RML : nevermind
DellDudeSteven : ok, fine.
RML : moving on
DellDudeSteven : ha!

anyway, yadda yadda yadda… what else u wanna chat about?
RML : Compaq
DellDudeSteven : there are lots of great computers out there, but i like Dell’s the best. wanna know why?
RML : Hewlet Packard
DellDudeSteven : what was that?
RML : Hewlett Packard
DellDudeSteven : i’m trying 2 understand u but i can’t.
RML : ok ok
DellDudeSteven : yup
RML : ball
DellDudeSteven : ball? what about it?
RML : Oh look, our time together is done. what a shame
DellDudeSteven : huh!

>>> curious about printers? dell has a great buying guide that will tell u about photo-quality printers.
RML : When should we schedule our next meeting?
DellDudeSteven : good question. i don’t know when we should schedule our next meeting.
RML : ok, I’ll get in touch with you later on that… just one more question.
DellDudeSteven : oh yeah?
RML : If you were a tree, what would you be?
DellDudeSteven : i’ll have 2 think about that 4 awhile.
RML : you do that
DellDudeSteven : i do that? u really think so?

Actual AIM Transcript… note, this was a bot, not actually what’s his face.

Motorhead’s Hammered Tour May 2002

We headed out for New Jersey around seven or seven thirty at night. I had been home from the crap factory I called college for a couple of hours. I had my shiny new ticket I purchased on-line from ticket-master all ready to go. It had been relatively smooth sailing for what was maybe an hour trip, until we saw the sign for the club, which would be our destination. We went straight, but should have made a turn. We made a turn but it was too late. We zigzagged all about the place. Only thing to do was turn around and start from scratch.

The Birch Hill Height Club, scenically located between Route 9 and a few auxiliary road inhabited by hillbillies, was site number twelve on Motörhead’s new tour. The noise didn’t start till around 10pm, so we did as the other well-rounded demented freaks did, drink in the parking lot. To make a disappointing story short we didn’t bring enough. Later, we found out that’s all the booze there was going to be; the club didn’t have a liquor license. The line to go in was a long and slow one, and soon I found out why. They were padding people down at the doorway, and judging by the amount of people hopping on and off line, it wasn’t an ill-founded estimation on their part of how many came carrying more then just a few years of emotional baggage coupled with a little dementia. Even my partner in this had to go and secure a few ‘items of interest’ in the car.

Once inside, I stood shoulder to shoulder with all of society’s finest: skinheads, punk rockers, red necks, eight-foot-tall bikers, the Mexicans, and even a Rastafarian – - the usual angry disturbed individuals. They stood around drinking, popping and smoking every conceivable chemical in abundance, and quite possibly a few that weren’t. Perhaps the most sarcastic highlight of the evening were the words which adorned security’s shirts: “Peacekeeper”- – -cynicism at its finest. The opener was Morbid Angel, a death metal group. They weren’t a bad act insofar as they sucked, but despite that they had a pretty descent following in the mosh. Morbid Angel plays their last song and heads out, and everything seems to shut down. People go outside for a quick hit on the bong or slug of booze. Others (myself included) crowd in the mosh area and slowly, out of the crammed up pit of disturbed creeps, the demand for Motörhead is echoed across the club. Security is understandably displeased with this.

Motörhead arrives and all hell breaks loose. I forget the first song, namely because at that time there were more important thing for me to pay attention to, such as various human carcasses flying around in all directions into everything, one of which, happened to be mine. I recovered to the relative safety of the outer perimeter of the violent and over heated human mass by the third or fourth song, which just happened to be every punker’s favorite song from ‘Limey Old’ England, a cover of “God Save the Queen.” A song or two later they played one off their new album Hammered. The song was dubbed “Brave New World,” I can’t comment on the lyrics however, since, by that time my hearing had safely faded into the relative obscurity of nonexistence, then again what do you expect from a band with an album named ‘Everything Louder Than Everyone Else’? As far as I was concerned it was as good as any of their classics which they played, such as “Iron Fist” or the aptly named “Born to Raise Hell,” which everyone did. Amongst the other songs they played was a tribute to the late Joey Ramon another oldie R.A.M.O.N.E.S., Sacrifice, and of course everybody’s favorite Ace of Spades.

The show ended unimpressively early at 1am eastern standard. Not being tired, able to hear well, and with no live show, somewhat bored, we drove around a bit. We ended at a 24-hour drive through fast food joint. After eating in their parking lot we headed home. My hearing had slowly, but steadily returned and I found myself slugging through the through the last few month before I received my Bachelor’s Degree. Here I sit, ever present, waiting for the next road trip.