Pine Terry Salad

Well, tha holidays ‘ave come ‘n’ gone. An’ wouldncha know at, I gained a few pounds ’round tha ol’ kilt. So I’ve been put on a diet, yeah? But ets nay so bad, ay? Neh bad.

An’ to ‘elp out all ye who’ve eaten a wee too much haggis thas season, I’ve come up with a tasty salad. Ets the “Pine Terry Salad,” named after the bloody geet who kissed me under tha missle toe, then mysteriously lost his lips!

Nay, jest foolin’, yeah? It’s a terribly unoriginal name made up of the fixins in this rabbit patch.

Ingredients:

• Romaine lettuce
• Garlic & Butter Croutons
• Italian Dressing
• Teriyaki Sauce
• Pineapple Rings

Ok, be taking yer lettuce - about two leaves if ets a new stalk, three er four eff ets gettin’ twords tha center - an’ break et up in yer bowl.

Next, add yer croutons te tha mix, yeah? I’ve been using garlic & butter flavor ’cause’in they ‘ave taste to ‘em. But ye can use anythin’ yer lil heart desires. But then, it’d be yer salad recipe, wouldn’at? And ets my show, in’it? So use the garlic, yeah?

After using a generous halping of GARLAC croutons, coat the top with Italian dressing. The give the whole thing a sprinkle with teriaki sauce. Just a dash will do for most, but you more adventurous people would be wantin’ more.

Finally, add yer pinapple. Cut up a ring to a ring and a half into yer bowl. Dun place the whole ring on top like our daft photographer thar ay? He’s says ets for atmosphere, I said ets for eatin’ yeah? Tch, artists!

Anyways, mix tha thang up an’ eat. Ats a salad fer god’s sake, ets nay that hard, yeah?

Thas is Martin Stuart sayin’ - Good eatin’ an’ KEEP YER MITS OFF ME KNIFE, YA GIT!

The Mighty Cheese & Crisp

• 2 slices of Rye Bread
• 4 Slices of American Cheese
• Golden’s Spicy Brown Mustard
• Salt & Vinegar Potato Chips/Crisps

(makes 1 sandwich)

It’s a bit obvious what to do next, but for all you rocket scientists out there, I explain:

Place two slices of bread on the plate, and place the cheese on said bread. Rye bread is a good all purpose bread. It’s got texture and taste… unlike your pansy white bread! Pepperidge Farms puts out a good Rye, especially for this project. It won’t fall apart. Beefsteak is also a good Rye, but not for this.

Next, you’ll want to put the mustard on. I say to use the squeeze bottle because you can make fun patterns on the sandwich. This is actually good to figure out just how much mustard to apply. Instead of staring at a knife to see if you got too much or too little, just pick a pattern and squeeze! I like the pattern shown to the right. And don’t worry if you’re mustard has separated (gone all runny), it’s ok for this recipe, amazingly.

Finally, put on the salt and vinegar chips/crisps (depending on where you live). Not only do they taste good, they’re beneficial too. Vinegar is a blood thinner, so the cheese, salt and chips won’t clog the arteries too quickly… (note: Martin Stuart is not a doctor… why, he hasn’t even see an episode of ER in his life). Spread them across the mustard side, that way they’re more apt to stay in place.

Ok, now go eat!

Serving suggestions:
A pickle and a bottle of Arizona Green Tea. Thats it. What?! YOu were expecting candles?

This Ain’t You Mum’s Teatime

Stuff you’ll be needing:

• Dinner roll sized Potato Rolls
• Sandwich stacker style sliced pickles
• Ketchup
• Lettuce
• Piccalilli Relish
• Egg Salad (however you like it)
• Cookies and/or Pastries
• Tea (no sh…)

It’s amazing how pansyassed teatime can be. Tea built empires dammit! Now it’s resigned to old ladies and stuffed animals. Well screw that, it’s time to bring afternoon tea back into palatable style.

First thing we got to do is toss out those “classic” tea sandwiches - watercress and cucumber finger sandwiches to be exact - and replace them with suitable substitutes.

First let’s tackle the cucumber sandwich: Mmmm, boy. Cucumber on white bread. Can life get anymore… err, DULL?! Come on, you might as well be serving cardboard on paper. If you need cucumber in the mix, use that tried and true side element - the pickle. Here’s what you do: Take a dinner roll, add a slice or two of pickle and top with a dash of ketchup. You can use a pickle spear, but it can get unwieldy. For added flavor add a bit of fresh horseradish, or even that white stuff you get at Roy Rodgers. That’s good eatin’.

Next the watercress sandwich: Weeds?! Weeds on toast?! Are you serious man? Let’s remedy the situation. Take another roll and add a leaf or two of iceberg lettuce. Then add a tsp. of Piccalilli relish. This makes a nice combo of sweet and tart, and is much more civil then serving lawn clippings.

Finally you can keep the egg salad sandwich, ’cause egg salad is good for any occasion. And of course we need cake. Having cake and cookies before supper is the only reason the Brits came up with afternoon tea… admit it.

Now with these new additions, not any tea will do. Herbals are just gonna die under the flavors here, so better keep them locked up till bedtime (or break out the whisky). Nay, you need strong tea for this mix. This is why I propose Lapsang Souchong.

No it’s not a little furry dog, wise guy. It’s a tea that’s cured over burning pine needles. A friend of mine calls it “campfire tea,” ’cause it has that smoldering wood smell to it. However, whether it stirs up Boy Scout memories or not is debatable… but it’s strong flavor is definitely good to offset this meal.

Eat hearty…

The Mock Ploughman’s Sandwich

Ingredients:

• Hard Rolls or Italian/French Bread
• Branston Pickle
• American Cheese

Thas as a mini version of a thing called a Ploughman’s lunch, which is some fruit, some veggies, a block of cheese and bread with a small cup of Branston Pickle - which is carrots, cauliflower, gherkins, marrows, onions. rutabega, tomatoes, and apples in a thick sweet and tangy sauce. Pretty damn good.

Basically all you do is put the cheese in your roll, spoon the pickle on, smush it down and consume. Simple, yet easy.

Milk is good with it, but so is Arizona Green Tea (Of course).