Bubba Ho-Tep

Run Down and Ritualistic Sacrifices

Is Elvis dead, or is he some geriatric geezer in a dilapidated East Texas nursing home? Why does Ossie Davis think he’s JFK? There’s no clear answers to any of the questions posed either here or in the movie. What is clear is that two octogenarians with the assumed personalities of Elvis and JFK, respectively are facing off against some unnamed Egyptian mummy in cowboy attire with the munchies for people’s souls. If you know anything about Bruce Campbell (Evil Dead, Evil Dead 2, Army of Darkness), you know that there’s laughs to be had. And indeed there are, as well as a lot of drama and some horror.

Ratings and Rantings

As I said Bubba Ho-Tep combines comedy, horror and drama all in one rather off-beat Indy film. It’s not a laugh a minute romp, like Army of Darkness, nor is it some spine tingling horror thriller, like the Golden Girls (that’s some sarcasm right there, for you folks.) Anyhoo, there’s plenty of each for the viewer and I found it quite refreshing from the textbook crap Hollywood continues to ooze out. Final score: 6.

The Secret Window

Break Down and Ball Breaking

Johnny Depp is back, this time as Mort Rainey, a writer with some ‘issues’ one of them being a whiney, reciprocity-type chick Amy (Maria Bello) that’s putting him through a messy divorce. Also along for the let’s kick ol’ Morty (or Johnny) while he’s down is her new pea-brained, muscle bound fuck buddy Ted (Timothy Hutton). If the movie stopped there, it’d be in the badness report section along such other winners as Josie and the Pussy Cats, Van Helsing, and the rest of their ilk. Luckily, Senior King have the good sense to write in a strange and possibly psychotic man who’s now stalking Mort for “justice.” The ending I really liked, and if you’ve ever rooted for the bad guy, you’ll think the ending is as kick ass as I did.

Rantings and Ratings

I found the plot rather transparent and the end was no surprise to me. That’s not always a bad thing, if the story itself can make up for the obviousness of what’s going to happen. The Secret Window is just such a case. It incorporates a good deal of humor (admittedly dark) and drama, and a might of creepiness, and does so rather well. Now if you’re expecting to jump out of your seat every 10 minutes from gut-wrenching horror, don’t hold your breath. Unless you’re a terminal Ned Flanders case, this movie isn’t frightening; funny yes, scary no. All in all, the Secret Window is going to ride rather high in my book with a 5 out of 6 possible points.

Starsky and Hutch

Breakdown and Ball Busting

A major cocaine deal is going down and the only two men who can foil the deal and bust the bad guys, are two idiots? Well, why not. Ben Stiller plays Starsky and Owen Wilson plays Hutch (John Hutchinson). Snoop Dog is Huggy Bar, and Jeremy Irons is the bad guy. Throw in Carmen Electra, Juliette Lewis and Amy Smart for scenery and you’ve got one helluva picture. For what will probably only amount to a low-grade spoof, it’s quite possibly one of the best cast movies out there, and that is reflected in the movie.

Rantings and Ratings

The movie was well written and the actors played their parts well, that is, the cheesy 1970s-esque lines managed to flow and fit the overall story line. The comedy is pretty much non-stop, but then again Owen Wilson and Ben Stiller are a couple of pretty funny guys. So for this mockery of the old 70’s cop drama, I dub thee 5 out of 6. After all, it does get kind of old after the 3rd time you see it.

Hidalgo

Breakdown and Breaking Balls

A Western that takes place in the Middle East?! What the HELL?! But it’s true my friends, all too true. No, seriously.

It’s based on the autobiography of Frank Hopkins. Speaking of whom, he’s played by Viggo Mortensen, and does a myriad of things throughout this film. He’s a scout at the beginning just before massacre at Wounded Knee, then goes on to be a regular in Bill Cody’s Wild West shows. While there, he ‘insults’ Omar Sharif (who plays Sheik Riyadh), and is challenged to take his mustang and race against all the pure bread Arabians (these are horses, not people or cars) in a race that crosses from one end of the Middle East to the other.

In the midst of it all there’s corruption, cheating, kidnappings and lots of gun and sword play. All in all, a good 2 hrs spent.

Rantings and Ratings

This is one of the best movies I’ve seen in a while. Yes, it is definitely a film for people who know horses, but for those of use who aren’t as lucky, there’s plenty of the universal language of violence to make up for not knowing why an Arabian horse id better than a Mustang horse. Hidalgo, you earned yourself a 6 out of 6.

The Spongebob Squarepants Movie

Often, when a television show makes it to the silver-screen it, well, sucks. This is especially true of cartoons in general and really true of Nickelodeon “Nick Toons.” They seem to stretch a half hour episode into an hour and half of diluted jokes in some cases… crap.

Thankfully, the nuts at United Plankton Productions decided to break this mold and created a feature length Spongebob Squarepants movie that will not disappoint!

The Synopsis

Plankton, the pint sized scourge of Bikini-Bottom, seems to have a viable plan for undersea conquest – which involves, as usual, getting the Krabby Patty recipe. This time however, he succeeds though political manipulation and the theft of King Neptune’s crown. To save the day, Spongebob and Patrick must travel far and wide to retrieve the crown, all the while proving to the world and themselves that they are men! Do they succeed? That would be telling.

The Execution

True to form for anything Spongebob, the movie is full of corny gags and non-sequiturs that will entertain children but more so the parents.

The artwork and animation is a bit better than the TV counterpart (one would hope so for the price of a movie these days). The live action cutaways are kind of hokey, but fit in nicely. It is Spongebob after all.

As for the story – it progresses in a true 3 act cinematic fashion, and no scene is put in without reason just for the sake of the laugh… despite the chaotic nature of the show.

In short, a solid movie.

The Verdict

Has to be a 6 out of 6. Anyone who has to bring a kid to it will be able to enjoy it. Any fan of Spongebob will love this movie, even though there are slight errors in the Spongebob Universe continuity (e.g. total Neptune redesign voiced by Jeffrey Tambor rather than John O’Hurley), and the distinct lack of the Flying Dutchman and that surfing fish.

The Punisher (2004)

Set Up and Sarcasm

In Marvel’s new conquest of cinematic features none are spared, sort
of like the hero and villain characters in this 2004 movie about the popular
Punisher comic series. Tom Jane plays Frank Castle a lawman who has the
misfortune to kill the son of a respected business man and 800 pound gorilla
of most underworld activities in Miami, Florida. That gentleman is Howard
Saint, played by John Travolta.

In revenge for his Son’s death, Saint kills Castle’s entire family. And
thus we get to the crux of the film and the comic. Frank Castle made a
habit of taking on the wrong kind of villains, the ones with power, money
and connections (sort of like Bill O’Reilly with an M-16). Now, he’s dropped
the badge and decided to take on those same evildoers only in the slightly
illegal way of brutally murdering them. I’ll let you guess who comes out
the winner in this film, as in the comic.

Ratings and Rantings

In 1989 or so, Marvel attempted to put their character into action in
a feature also named The Punisher. By all accounts this movie was a flop,
the actor Dolph Lundgren was unable to capture the essence of the character
and the villains were nothing even remotely similar to those of the comic.
In 2004, well I have a feeling the purists will not be satisfied (after
all, like most of these Marvel movies a liberal dosage of poetic license
had been taken by the directors). However, it is entertaining, and worth
the watch. I’m going to give it a 4 because it was a step up from
Dolph Lundgren but the 2 points minus to keep the purists from burning
a cross on my lawn.

Hellboy

Overview and Wise Cracks

Hellboy is based on the Dark Horse Comic bearing the same name and concerning itself about the exploits of the same character. Considering that, one might say this movie is aptly titled. This so aptly titled movie concerns itself with the origins of and partnering up of Hell Boy and his wiener government agent buddy so named >indiscernible mumbling<.

It also introduces you to the concept that the occult is alive and well and practiced routinely by every modern nation of the world. The saga begins in the ending days of World War II, where a desperate Nazi regime employs the magical powers of Rasputin (yes, the same guy the commies killed in 1917) to bring Hell Boy into this world to aid them in their conquest. Well wouldn’t you know those danged old Americans step in and screw everything up for those poor misunderstood Iraq-er-I mean Nazis.

Rasputin gets tossed into hell, Hell Boy gets spit out and the US gets a new super hero to help combat its supernatural enemies. Well fast-forward to today, Rasputin is back but not because of Saddam or Osama. Anyhow the stage is set for a show down. And well, yeah, that’s pretty much the gist of it.

Ratings and Rantings

The story flowed very well, and best of all, no classic pieces of literature or classic characters were harmed in the making of this film. A claim those butchers over at the Van Helsing set can’t honestly make. I found it highly enjoyable and engaging with plenty of oogity-boogities to go around. Final rating: 5.

Pool Hall Junkies

Break Down and Ball Breaking

This little number marches in the tradition of all the old great movies about the game of pool (it of course adds modern elements throughout, since it does not take place in the1930s. How’s that for logic, there folks?) Anyhow, our hero is a pool whiz, with no parents who is taken under the wing of Chazz Palminteri, who exploits him for his own profit. Our lone hero finds out and serves Palminteri his just desserts, only to find himself against a professional pool shark who Palminteri has hired to play against him in a game of extremely high stakes.

Rantings and Ratings

To truly appreciate this movie, you really have to like the game of pool. Its overall story line is horrifically cliché and if you’re curious about what some of the top critics thought of the acting, well here’s a link to settle any such doubts:
http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/poolhall_junkies/

Despite what Richard Roeper might have you believing, the movie is entertaining, and does at least deliver on that. Besides, Christopher Walken is in it and he’s a good guy, a scary good guy albeit, but a good guy nonetheless. How often does that happen?

Overall, I’m going to let this piece of cinema slide on in with a 3.5. It’s better than Tears of the Sun, trust me.

The Last Samurai

Overview and Wise Cracks

In the Mid- to Late- 1870s Japan decided it was time to join the modern world and opened its ports to Europe and America. Towns grew, people adopted western dress, and democratic ideas infiltrated modern life. One might suspect that it was all milk and honey for everybody on board. Unfortunately this was not the case, and the elite society of warriors known as the samurai protested greatly, so greatly that they were largely outlawed by the emperor.

Enter Edward Zwick and Tom Cruise. Mr. Zwick, the director of this film, tells the story of a modernizing and emerging Japan from the point of view of one samurai and his clan who stand in open defiance of all things new and technological. Senior Tom plays an American Army captain hired by Japanese government officials to train their largely conscript army in the use of firearms and modern warfare. The idea is that this "expert" military training will help them to put down a rebellion started by one disgruntled samurai, and in the course of their first battle Cruise is taken prisoner. His stay as guest of the rebel village culminates in his active involvement in the rebellion and in the final pivotal battle between modern government and archaic samurai forces.

Ratings and Rantings

This movie is very long and largely in depth, so I recommend fully that you make use of the History Channel’s History v. Hollywood documentary on the second special features DVD disk. Also, it would help not to drink lightly before starting this movie. On action, drama, and even comedy it delivers strongly and on people being butchered horrifically, well, it’s bloodier than The Four Feathers, that’s for damn sure. I recommend it to any one with a few hours to kill on a rainy day, or a Sunday you’d prefer to avoid church. Final rating: 6.

Shadow of the Vampire

It’s the early 20th Century, the Allies have won the First World War and the German cinema is starting to pick up. In this environment, Nosferatu is made. Shadow of the Vampire is a dark comedy about the filming of Nosferatu. There is considerable concern as to the film’s leading actor (the vampire) since he’s a might eccentric. That is to say, he’s a little too convincing at his role. Then, people start disappearing. Quite possibly one of the funniest conversations in the film is between the director and the vampire concerning who out of the cast and crew he decides to eat.

This film was truly a dark, creepy, and somewhat disturbing film. However, it was also loaded with a very cynical humor that I found to be most hilarious. It’s probably one of the best vampire movies around and for its unique approach to an old genre of horror films; I give it a 5 on the NWOt rating scale.

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