Near Manhattan Data Transfer

Dear Mr. Eccentric

I’m not the most tech savvy person these days. I used to be – I mean, I always had the latest digital calculating devices, just take a look at my pride and joy HP-35 (see attached photo). But lately I’ve been seeing ads on my Philco (that is till the vacuum tube blew) about this Windows 7 doohickey. Should I get this? [handwriting indecipherable]… I feel left out. I miss being on the cusp of technology and am ready and raring to join the 21st century!

Chuck Babbage
Old Town, Staten Island NY

Dear CB,

It shouldn’t make a difference whether or not you are on the cusp of the technological revolution. They got to the moon and back using what we now consider a wristwatch. Just imagine if they had access to and iPod. We’d be on Mars by now.

See, it’s not how powerful your gadget is, it’s how fast you can do long division with it.

That said, if you’re still convinced you need to upgrade, I think you should start out slow. Granted Windows 7 is rather user friendly; however, the concept of multitasking with ease may overload the brain of someone used to one equation at a time.

Might I recommend an earlier version PC? You really can’t buy older operating systems anymore, and eBay and most antiques dealers will rip you off (my throne made of C64s currently on hold due to budget constraints). The good news is, you have all you need in your palm.

Take your prized HP-35 and open up the case. Solder the display wires to a common house hold blender. Then, take the battery leads and put them into a bottle of 5hr energy.

Voila, you’ve now got a PC with all the functionality of Windows ME.

Happy Computing
Mr. E.

In The Dog House: Follow-up

You sonofa…

I took your advice about the nutria for a family pet and the damn thing went on a rampage! It bit my son’s legs off the same night I brought it home. Luckily my wife is a skilled Amazon Huntress and was able to kill it before it got further. But man you should be locked up for the “help” you give. You’ll be hearing from my lawyers!

-Miguel
Sarasota, FL

Mikhail,

And you sir shall be hearing from my loan officer!

Seriously though, you should be on your knees thanking me now that your son can follow in your footsteps. With Amazonian genes in him, did you really think your kid’d have any chance of being a jockey without some sort of amputation? I just saved you $30,000 in leg shortening bills.

No Charge,
Mr. Eccentric

Dear Readers,

Although my words should be law, they are not. I but sit here in my padded cubicle ticking away at my keyboard, putting me out of posture to have a gun to your head. So if you don’t have the time to dedicate to keep vigil over your sleeping children while a bloodthirsty megarodent sleeps in their beds, please consider an antfarm to an exotic pet.

Yours in disclaimer,
Mr. Eccentric

In The Dog House

Dear Mr. Eccentric

My name is Miguel. I am a jockey from Florida, and keep a whole bunch of horses on my land. But my son, he wants a real pet like a dog. I told him if I won my next race, I would get him his dog. At the time, I didn’t realize that my entire family was deathly allergic to dogs. What do I do?

Miguel
Sarasota, FL

Dear Mike,

Ah Florida… land of sun, rain and its legally binding verbal contracts. You sir are in a jam, especially since it is also the land that gave birth to kids divorcing parents.

At first, I thought, that due to your stature you could easily dress up in a dog suit and pose as the family pooch. You wife would say you went out for oats and never came back. But I won’t go there.

Then I was watching The Tick on DVD the other day (yes, its a plug. A man can’t live on dispensing free advice alone!). In an episode to be released later on he comes across Speak, the capybara, and mistakes it for a dog. Now, I am in now way advocating importing a 140lb rodent into your family.

No, you can easily go for a Nutria, a 20lb rat / beaver… thing that’s become quite plentiful in your neck of the woods. They were introduced into Louisiana in the 30′s by fur trappers as a new source of pelts. Since then they’ve gone forth and multiplied and have spread throughout the southeast and become quite the pest. But your adopting and spaying and/or neutering one will help curtail the spread of the “brown menace!”

Call it a Chilean Root Hound. The boy will be happy, the family won’t sneeze to death, and you have a good excuse for your HMO to approve rabies vaccines.