The Afghan Province Printy

Seeing that we’re sending 30,000 more men and women into this area, it may be a good idea to know where we’re goin’ (cause we don’t know where we been)…
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Over the Top Holiday

Dear Mr. Eccentric,

I am having a huge holiday soiree is a few days for a few thousand of my closest friends. But, as I make my plans, I realized I could very well make a total ass of myself if I went too over the top. So, I need your humble advice: Which appetizer goes better with roast reindeer under glass? Beluga caviar with miniscule edible pearls or crocks of vichyssoise crusted with melted Swedish moose cheese and gold leaf?

Thank you in advance,
Ebu D. Katzenfett
Martha’s Vinyard

Wha?!

First of all, just because I was born in a supermarket and wear a grocery bag on my head doesn’t make me Mr. Food Guy! We got some other cat on this site for that stuff!

Secondly, you sir are a sick son of an expletive! Such flaunting of opulence went out of style as soon as Rome burned to the ground! This is a time for sharing and giving! People are in need!

Men and women die daily halfway across the world to protect your right to excess. So you want my humbling advice? Skip the party entirely. And rather than feed the egos and bloated stomachs of your “freinds,” why not do something for those who’re eating sand this holiday season – our troops abroad! That goes for all your friends and anyone reading. Here’s a small list of charities that can help you get the job done of helping them get the job done over there:

The USO – If you don’t know who they are or what they do by now, well, that’d be sad.
Cell Phone’s For Soldiers – Let our troops phone home this holiday season.
Wounded Warriors Family Support – Doing nice things for our wounded vets and their families
Military Working Dog Foundation – Because it’s not only humans risking life and limb for our security.

Thirdly, yuk! You can’t go wrong with franks and beans, man!

The Age Of Rifles

One of the greatest things in life is a hand bilk pack of new CD-Rs. The other thing of course would be games that don’t have incription on them to prevent bootleggers from… borrowing the information on one CD and placing it on another. Not saying that I, your humble, wholesome reviewer, cartoonist, extraordinaire would ever do something like that… just that that’s what I’ve been told. But let’s skip the legal schmutz and get to the game, a game of strategy and wit.

Every (if not most) major battle from 1845 up to 1905 can be played on The Age of Rifles from SSI. You can play a scenario, such as “203 Meter Hill” from the Russo-Japanese War with you friend or against the computer (here’s a hint: go with Japan). Or play a campaign, such as “The Soldier Queen” and expand the British Empire to its limits starting with the Sepoy Revolution (or lose it all and never get anywhere, depending on how good or bad your strategy is). It runs on DOS, but has been know to jam up if the computer runs too fast. I personally have been running it on MS-DOS without any problems, other than I can’t seem to get the sound to work.

What time is it? That right kiddies! It’s time for me to Drag out the NWOt’s Rating Scale’O'Rama, and take it down another peg. Because the sound doesn’t work and the graphics could be better: I bring forth to you the rating of: 4 Sepoy Revolutionaries routed by and ever advancing British offensive line.

The Four Feathers (2002)

When I first heard there was going to be another Hollywood rendition of this classic film, I was less than enthusiastic. Actually, my sole purpose for going was simply to find out how poorly they’d botch it up so I could lambaste them about it on this fine establishment we call an otter. Well, they certainly showed me.

We headed out from my friend’s home in Keansburg, NJ to the movie house in Hazlet. Despite my coaxing she didn’t speed… this time. We arrived and shelled out the $5.50 for the tickets, then got some popcorn and a soda, since we forwent dinner to see the film. "This ought to be rich" I thought to myself expect stomach-churning nonsense from moment one. Having seen an earlier version of "The Four Feathers" I knew what it was about and what to expect from it.

Their dating for the British Re-conquest of the Sudan was off by about ten years, however, they did do some homework on what sorts of arms, munitions, and uniforms would be worn and had by the British Army in 1885. Ok, one feather in their cap. But would they stick to the storyline of the book? Well, sort of.

Yes, a soldier’s fear of cowardice essentially lands him in hot water with his friends and fiancée. This bit of contention leads to them presenting him with the feathers (one from each of them) a form of social ostracism, which accompanied cowardice in British society. From this he sets off to make things right and prove he’s not a coward, or die trying. After that, as typical of Hollywood, they make drastic and sweeping changes.

Entirely new characters (ones which hadn’t been present in the earlier version I saw) mysteriously popped up. Entirely new scenes added, or minor scenes embellished upon. This wasn’t entirely a bad thing; scenes, which were blown over earlier due to budget constraints, could be drawn out a bit more. Battle scenes were enhanced.

All in all, it wasn’t bad. Could it have been better, oh most assuredly it could have. It also could have been a million times worse and for what it’s worth, I’m surprised Hollywood did so well with it. My hat’s off to them. Now if they ever do a remake of "Zulu" and try to pull this sort of thing with that film, I’ll raise an army of highly agitated British and Common Wealth thugs and raze Hollywood to the last director.

I’ll give it three flying squirrels at the trap range. Not too bad, but there’s room for improvement.