Ah, hello there. Allow me to introduce yourself to myself. For legal purposes you cannot possibly fathom, my name is Mr. Eccentric, and I am the problem to all your answers… wait, what?
I am the resident advice columnist for the New World Otter. It is here that I will provide answers to all your burning questions about anything at all. Think of me as Dear Whats-her-face – only a guy and minus the straight jacket.
That over with, let’s get to the inaugural question:
Dear Mr. Eccentric,
Help! My boss just invited herself and 30 of our colleagues to my house for dinner. I don’t know what to make. What do you recommend?“Hungry For Knowledge,”
Quite the conundrum. Thankfully this is my area of expertise. I was a mess tent commander during the invasion of Lichtenstein in 1992. Don’t bother to look it up, it’s classified.
What you need is a meal that can feed an army in a short amount of time. You need lasagna. If you’ve not heard of this rare delicacy, its a pasta/cheese/meat dish developed by the British in the 14th century, and claimed by the Italians soon after. They had a cannon and a flag, so there was no arguments.
Anyway, prepared correctly, a 12in x12in pan can feed half the subcontinent of India; if you have garlic bread, the whole shebang will eat.
Normally, ready made pasta will work. However, this is your boss and only scratch made will make an impression, to be sure. So you need to go out and get your first ingredients â€“ eggs, water and fiberglass.
Fiberglass, I’ve found, is a versatile food stuff. It’s everywhere you look these days, and when prepared can be banged into that signature wavy shape that lasagna layers have. Wet noodles will loose their shape because they have the durability of, well, wet noodles. It’s all in the presentation you see.
Next you need a sauce. No jar stuff for you. You’ll need two bottles of ketchup, vinegar, and 32 bulbs of garlic (to mask the fiberglass aftertaste). Place the bottles of ketchup into boiling water overnight so that the contents leech gradually into the mix. Add the vinegar and crushed garlic (not whole, because thats just disgusting) the next day and let reduce to a thick paste. Add salt to taste.
Finally… cheese. Not one, but two types – any will do; and a lot of it, because you’ll need something to block up the colon to prevent diarrhea.
Layer it all into the pan and bake for 10 minutes. Then presto, a meal for fit for a queen!
With any luck, the meal will end in trip to the hospital for your co-workers and a pink slip for you, because you really shouldn’t be working for someone who invites the entire office to your house for dinner!
Great question, Alicia Ingles of 111 Wilbur Rd. Remember readers, you can submit your questions in total anonymity via the NWOt forums, or emailing somebody connected to the site. It’ll get to me eventually.