Who You Callin’ Turkey

Yesterday was Thanksgiving; the day to give thanks, hence the name. We are to be thankful for what we have. However, there are those out there who A) believe that all they have is a given or, B) that there is nothing to be thankful for.

Well, have I got a short tale for you:

We were all upstairs at my grandma’s, and had just sat down to the feast and said grace. Then the phone rang; we figured it was some well-wisher so grandma answered. It was the hospital.

They were looking for anyone who knew Timothy Cummings; and to do so, they were calling every Cummings in the phonebook, because apparently they don’t know where Timothy came from.

Now there’s a downer.

So to you people who think all the good things that happen to you is a given: Don’t be so sure. I don’t know if this Timothy fellow was a good guy or bad, but either way there is some acquaintance at least not having a good day. Nor are any of the Cummings families being called in search of a relative.

And to those of you who think they have nothing to be thankful for: I say BAH! Be glad you aren’t in the hospital injured or dead; or missing a loved one during this holiday season.

Think about it…

So quit your bitching and as the Irish say : “Get on your knees and praise God that your still standing.”

A Day Late and A Dollar Menu Short

Or, Suing the Fat

Recently, the famed burger stand chain known as McDonald’s has come under fire and is being sued by at least nine families claiming that the food caused serious health problems in their children. Leading the lawsuit is Gregory Rhymes, a fifteen year old who, “used to eat a burger, fries and shake at McDonald’s every day, sometimes several times a day. Now he weighs 400 pounds, has diabetes – and blames McDonald’s. (Article, ABCnews.com)”

The suit is based upon the brain washing of children from an early age via clever marketing strategies on television and radio. As we know, the ads feature clowns and other fuzzy creatures that would appeal to the taste buds of children.

Prior victorious class action court battles against such megacompanies as Philip-Morris for their distribution of hazardous materials give the plaintiffs hope that they too will win such a frivolous and unfounded claim.

Sure, McDonald’s is a large multinational that cares not for the plights of their customers, but they are merely a service. They provide an array of foods to countless people around the world; people who are for the most part, not grotesque. Why is that? And if that be the case, who is to blame?

Well to answer the first question, there are a few reasons. The first is freedom of choice. Despite being bombarded by TV spot after TV spot, the consumer still can decide whether or not to eat said products. For you see, this is not the future, and the television is not a hypnotic device. If that we’re the case, every time you saw a burger you’d be scratching at the door like a cat in heat. Only weak-willed fools would go Pavlovian over pixilated pictures of moist and delicious beef by-products, covered in lettuce and ketchup and yummy pickles… err, sorry.

Also, no one has a gun to your head. Unlike the unfortunate incident in Portugal, where a vacationing family (right) was taken hostage by a crazed Ronald impersonator and fed Big Macs at gunpoint, your life does not hang in the balance when passing a McDonald’s or any other fast food joint.

Third point, they do sell salad you know.

And fourthly, unless you spend the entire day in the restaurant (like these kids apparently must have), there are places that can deal with flab. Gyms, a walk in the park and running for the bus are amongst the activities proven to burn McCalories and are enjoyed by fast food patrons.

Now to the second question, where to lay blame? Let’s start with the parents, shall we? According to all the sources, the parents are claiming that their kids were known to eat multiple meals in fast food facilities. May I ask why? I can see once a day, at lunch because all school cafeteria food stinks. But what about dinner? Does no one at home cook? Breakfast? Well?

And since it is the parents levying this suit, they obviously knew that their kids were eating too much fast food. The parents should have regulated their diets. This is what parents are supposed to do, watch and guide their children! Not let them become their ticket to big dollars! >>begin rant here<< I mean where were these so called guardians? Huh? The kids in question grew to 400+ pounds! That’s four hundred plus pounds! Do you know how much is 400lbs? LARGE, THAT’S WHAT! I don’t mean to sound mean (ok I do), but I would think when someone should have noticed something when this fifteen year old, 5ft 1inch boy reached 200lbs. Someone had to be thinking “what’s up with that,” and then act upon this reaction. But apparently, no one did.

So now McDonald’s is made the scapegoat for neglect. YES, NEGLECT! You know, the stuff that is supposed to get kids taken away and given to people who care! Secondly, we should blame the lawyers. For without them, this suit could never had come to light. These people went through years and years of schooling and you mean to tell me they never got the common sense necessary to see this whole thing is ridiculous? I don’t buy that one bit. They actually do have the sense to know its stupid, but they also acquired the sense to know it will rake in loads of dough and publicity. It is for this sense that lawyers sell their souls. I’ll save my anti-lawyer rant for another time.

Finally, we cannot forget the actual plaintiffs themselves. But wait… aren’t they the victims? In a word, yes. In another somewhat related word, NO! Even if their parents couldn’t tell their weight was out of control, the kids should have been asking, “what’s up with this?” THIS IS WHAT PHYS-ED IS FOR; health class, physiology, bodily upkeep 101, call it what you will… by age fifteen we all should have learned that what causes obesity —–> Greasy food. Me thinks someone was asleep during the simulated artery clogging.

Also, friends must have noticed something. THIS IS WHAT PEER PRESSURE IS FOR. You know, public appearance. The pointing, the laughing, the staring… All schools have it. True, you should always be true to yourself and not listen to the crowd just for the sake of the crowd. But for god’s sake there are exceptions (I.e. some one tells you that you’re overweight, and, well, you ARE).

This just shows that the kids in question are dim and/or apathetic about themselves and their surroundings.

They’re also a bit ungrateful too. I mean come on… isn’t it phat to be fat these days? The Fat Boys, Notorious B.I.G., Queen Latifa and Louis Anderson all are in style. McDonald’s merely was trying to help.

Of course, the fast food franchise is not doing a whole heck of a lot to help relax the situation. McDonald’s has plans to allow people to pay via credit card. “McDonald’s said that with the technology it is installing, a customer should be able to place an order, swipe his or her credit card and get approval in four to five seconds, with no signature needed. (Article, USA Today)”

That just doesn’t seem right.

You just know that the plaintiffs will try to use this to add weight to their case… I’ll wait… For it’s obvious that this will allow kids to get food even without cash on hand; we all know every nine-year-old has a platinum card these days. Oh wait, they do, don’t they?

I guess they’re doing this to alleviate the strain on cashiers who have to make change. Well, at least there will be one easy avenue to use stolen cards.

So, in closing, McDonald’s should not be held accountable for making the youth of today overweight. Instead, hold them accountable for making second-rate burgers (though the shakes are top notch, I must admit).

WENDY’S!, WENDY’S!, WENDY’S!, WENDY’S!

UHF

First the movie itself:
Hmmm, where to begin… UHF is a movie about hope and discovery wrapped up in a shell of corny gags and riotous parody.

It’s the story of George Newman; just your average over imaginative slob who cannot stay employed for too long. But as luck would have it, his uncle won a cheesy UHF station in a poker game; to which George’s aunt sees this as perfect job for out hero.

However, the station isn’t doing too well, and looks like it’ll fold any day. On top of all that, George forgets his girlfriend’s birthday, losing her as well. When all seems lost, things suddenly begin to pick up for the station (this is where you should insert the aforementioned hope and discovery). And because this is “Weird” Al we’re talking about, much hilarity ensues.

I like it. The critics burned the movie in protest, but who the heck listens to them?

All the performances were excellent; amongst which included a young Michael Richards, Fran Drescher, Victoria Jackson, and whole host of faces you’ve seen elsewhere. UHF does its job and makes people laugh, but then goes beyond the call of duty showing that any fool with delusions of grandeur will do ok if they just stay true to themselves.

Ok maybe that wasn’t the point of the film but that’s what I got out of it aside from an hour and a half of fun. But I’m sure you’ve all seen it and know what I’m talking about. No? For shame!

On to the disk.
The DVD release of UHF is pretty neat. It’s a double-sided disk, one side with the formatted for television version and the other side with widescreen, with some features tossed in to keep the masses happy (all more or less hosted by Al himself).

Let’s begin with the commentary: I usually don’t watch these things, cause frankly who cares? However, Al and his equally odd – longtime manager and co-writer of UHF, Jay Levey, do the commentary. I figured it would be good, and I wasn’t disappointed. Along with giving the useless facts about the movie, they heckle it or just begin talking amongst themselves.

And I must admit, some of those useless facts are quite interesting. You would be amazed at the people that came to read for parts (I’ll let you watch so you can be amazed).

Michael Richards, Emo Philips and Victoria Jackson make surprise cameos on the commentary track as well. Oh dang, I gave it away. Wait, no; they’re listed on the box.

Other features include productions stills, promos and all that standard fare, and the UHF music video. Also included is about twenty minutes of deleted footage, which Mr. Yankovic found on a VHS in the back of his closet.

Finally, after you’ve watched both sides thoroughly, watch the menus. Al periodically walks on and off screen and does stuff. Oh, and if it says something is on the other side, select it a few times anyways… he really gets pissed.

Scores:
UHF the movie – I give a 6 out of 6
UHF the DVD – I give a 5 out of 6 (its cool, but I can’t help feeling it’s missing something).

To think I saw it on…

Nothing much to say today, no revelations, no insights.

However, I did see a black man wearing a confederate infantry cap today on the subway. It came complete with a small pin of the stars and bars.

Let’s see you bleeding heart, over sensitive types figure that one out.

Mission 1

Oddly enough there are those out there who follow these pages and wonder where is it all going. I include myself in this noble few. I have made it an outlet for comics and the odd review of past and present, but something is missing. I can’t let a killer title like New World Otter go to waste, can I?

Then, as I was skimming the Lord of the Rings (again), I came across this in the Return of the King:

“Yet it is not our part to master the tides of the world, but to do what is in us for the succour of those years wherein we are set, uprooting the evil in the fields that we know, so that those who live after may have clean earth to till.”

Good words to live by, don’t you think?

Budapest Is Back, Baby!

It is amazing the education one can receive just while riding the bus. Prior to yesterday, I had no idea that the capital of Hungry was the leading tourist center of Europe. Not that I really gave a fig. Apparently theater, music and the arts all thrive there. But you wouldn’t want to live there; the cost of living exceeds that of Manhattan’s. If you got to move, you’re best bet is to go to the outskirts.

Thank you loud-Brooklynese-ladies who sat talking about the plights of the average Hungarian. Oh, and Venice is out of the question too.

So anyway, after these two got off at the supermarket to buy their single bag of cat food and “5 pouches of meat bits that the kitten enjoys,” I continued on to my main goal, which was not a geography bee I assure you. I was off to gain employment. I had to. Not that I’m destitute mind you, it’s just have to get certain people off my back that constantly badgers me about being career impaired.

Now job-hunting is not the most chic thing, I admit, especially in today’s economy. But I was always a rebel.

However, people don’t much like rebels; at least not the people doling out applications. Lucky me picked a day when all the snots were at work (I tell you, somewhere there is a shortage of sticks).

So all day I was given the run around, you know: go here, here and here, pass go, collect an application and “next please.”

And forget about it if you can’t find the human resources on your own. I had the unfortunate audacity to ask for directions. Oh, they’ll give them to you all right… Some are friendly in a customer is always right type manner; others are kind enough to direct you to the scenic route; others still act like wolves protecting their territory.

The woman at Macy’s best summed up the day though. She sized me up through the typical granny glasses chained to her vest and said, “Go to China.”

Right…

On the way home I learned that a machete scar on the wrist could easily be mistaken for Carpal Tunnel surgery.

So to home, home, home I go, I go to rest me weary pads and hear those familiar words: “So, get anything yet?”

I think I’m going to track down those two ladies from the bus. I’m curious as to how much I need to move to Siberia.

Are You Nuts?

A few days ago, that is to say a few months ago, I noticed something about “people” that made me wonder who is really insane. I was using NYC mass transit (voted number one on the Top 100 places to have a revelation), this time on a fabled Staten Island bus.

On said bus a man sat as many a man and woman sat before him, however with a few exceptions. He rocked back and forth, both giggling and groaning at the same time (neat trick); all the while he grasped a shrink-wrapped Queen’s phonebook like it was his child, but not in a Michael Jackson hang- your- heir- off- the- side- of- a- building- so- the- kid- can- fly- over- the- crowd- like- a- soon- to- be- angel- if- he- keeps- this- crap- up sort of a way.

(No, no, I had no reason to add that beyond the fact that I needed to harangue the Clown Prince of Pop. Ok, back to the story).

Though it may not sound it from my description the guy was clearly unstable, or at any rate very, very “happy.”

Anyways, a little while later a woman with one of those double stroller jobbies and arms full of groceries signaled to get off. Of course you know where this is going: the man ate the kids to make her load easier.

Wait no, that’s not it.

Out of the crowd of straight laced and dignified people all dolled up in their fancy Rush H’r suits (and matching accessories), only the guy in the wrinkled sweatshirt and Bermuda shorts got up and helped. Not even the driver was going to lend a hand.

Where was I you ask? Well I was wearing fleece and having my toes crushed by a giant weeble. Though as much as I would like to think I would have helped had I been closer and uncrippled, I probably wouldn’t. It’s just not one of those things that I’ve trained myself to come naturally.

Amazing though isn’t it? An insane man showing up a busload of jac… err… upstanding citizens. And I’m sorry if I misjudged him and he isn’t crazy, but boy he deserves and Oscar if he isn’t. Either way, there is a lesson here: We need to do better in the civility and manners departments, cause a vast majority are just posers.

Some Quotes From Doug Adams

The Major difference between a thing that might go wrong and thing that cannot possibly go wrong is that when a thing that cannot possibly go wrong goes wrong it usually turns out to be impossible to get at or repair.
- Mostly Harmless, by Douglas Adams

Subconscious – that infuriating part of a person’s brain which never responds to interrogation, merely gives little meaningful nudges and sits humming quietly to itself, saying nothing.
- The Long Dark Tea Time of the Soul, by Douglas Adams

Kung Pow! Enter the Fist

What can you say about a movie that has a new born baby beating the crap out of a fully grown man within it’s first 10 minutes? Not enough, I say. Recently, I came across thins little gem of weird cinema at the local Blockbuster; it was one of those previously viewed jobs for $10. Needless to say, I remembered it as being the only movie trailer with a man being womped on by a cow, but more about the eternal man/bovine conflict later.

With a budget that must have been as high as $60.00 (including catering) and a cast of a couple, Steve Oedekerk dared to take the kung-foo film where it’s never been before, on an acid trip…with a possible P.C.P. chaser. How’d he do it and still keep with the budget? Very simple, he got a hold of an old martial arts film, knocked out all the dialogue and inserted his own (yes trivia fans, very similar to Woody Allen’s "What’s Up Tiger Lilly?"), blue screened himself and a few other actors into the footage, and finally shot all new scenes, e.g., the karate cow.

It sounds kind of hackish, but comes out quite funny and psychotic at the same time. Anyhow, the plot is simple, although not really… anyhow, Oedekerk is "The Chosen One" the only person who can stand up to and defeat Betty, the evil Master Pain. Betty is the servant of the Evil Council, a group of French aliens that fly around in pyramids and are based out of Paris, with plans for global conquest. Oedekerk must train hard, win over a girlfriend, and heed the advice of the mysterious Wo (a one boobed martial arts type girl), and some lion spirit kind of guy similar to the one from "The Lion King."

The movie certainly delivers all it promises and even has something for fans of "old school" rap from the 80s and early 90s. Betty plays a couple of classic raps while he beats the crap out of people. Yes, for the deeply disturbing, exceedingly odd, movie lover in you, there’s nothing that I’ve seen that quite fits the bill as "Kung Pow! Enter the Fist." Therefore, on a scale of 1 – 6 ( 1 meaning that it should be stored underneath Utah because of its vile toxicity, and 6 meaning you should kneel down and that which ever god, or lower deity you worship for such inspired nectar) I shall give it:

6 Mushroom Clouds and any 6 Disturbing Mutations brought on by the radioactive catastrophe of your choosing.

It’s ten-fricken-dollars, just buy the damn tape. If you don’t like it, give it away as a gag gift.