Waterloo: Napoleon’s Last Battle

Waterloo is a real-time strategy game put of by BreakAway Games, Ltd. It provides several historical battles between the dying French Empire and Great Britain and the Allies. It also gives a five or six-part tutorial to help the novice better adapt him or herself to the game. These tutorials begin by showing you how to utilize the artillery and end with a building-to-building war simulation.

I found the graphics to be pretty decent, and as with many games, you can zoom in and out considerably. As soon as I figure out how to make screen shots, I’ll provide some each of these game reviews. I can make no comment on sound as my sound card has joined the choir invisible and money’s tight around here.

As for the game itself, I found it to be difficult to control the course of battle, after all you’re fighting usually on a multi-front with many armies and the maps are what we like to call "frickin’ huge." One map might be around 20-30 miles (that’s scaled down miles) and your troops move (even when on a forced march) slow enough to give you reason to concentrate elsewhere while they go forth, but fast enough to get into trouble while you’re busy fighting the French over yonder. And as I mentioned before, this is a real-time game. Unlike a turn-based game, the fight continues even though you are no longer concentrating on a certain area of the game. This, in and of itself does do well to lend to the quality of challenging oneself.

My grievance with it is the profound de-emphasize of the use of artillery. The greatest emphasis is on the cavalry, which can attack from one portion of the screen to the other. Artillery, on the other hand, is more like background noise with this game, fairly ironic, since Napoleon himself was an artilleryman.

On the whole, the game can be entertaining, and cost is not prohibitive ($3.24). For the ratings, I give it 3 1/2 dead Frenchmen.

Steel Panthers

Before I start I want to emphasize the fact that I’m not drunk; slightly impaired perhaps by a certain percentage of alcoholic toxins flowing through by blood stream, but not drunk. Anyhow, on to the review…

I’ve been playing Steel Panthers almost constantly since my last software review, The Age of Rifles. Not that it’s my favorite game mind you, and I have many a game to review before I’m done, but it is one which I tend to enjoy the most prowess in.

Steel Panthers is a World War II strategy game, which has scenarios and campaigns for both theaters (European and Pacific) of warfare, with the familiar capture-the-flag type control points. The scenarios allow one to play U.S./British against German, or, for the connoisseur of conflicts, the more obscure Russo-Finnish, "Winter War" battles as well as a whole slew of other campaigns and scenarios.

On top of the standard invasions and battles that history owns, you can create your own battles between two opponents whose armies never would have seen each other in combat in the 1940s. One such battle, my first, was between elements of the Chinese Army (which I controlled) and Greek Army (computer controlled). The map was a fairly urban environment, which meant I was able to take advantages of paved roads and streets. The end result was that, although the Greek Army had tanks which were eons better than the tanks used by China (both used U.S. weapons in the game) the computer poorly positioned them, and, although they were able to do considerable damage, by the time the got them working against me, it was too late. All victory points seized, one army in ruins the other, victorious.

Steel Panthers has similar graphics to that of The Age of Rifles and similarly runs on MS-DOS. And why not? After all, the same company, SSI, puts them both out. Unlike Rifles, however, sound did work on my computer (that is it did before my sound card ceased to exist). Therefore I rate it 4 1/2 victorious Finnish Armies during the "Winter War" out of the possible 6 who-is-whats-ises I could have given it.

Napoleon In Russia

Yes, this is another turn-based strategy game put out by the good people at TalenSoft, and it comes along just in time for me to figure out how to make screen shots. In this game, cavalry is limited, so it’s best to use them wisely. Artillery is probably the real nuts and bolts of the operation, and who knows more about artillery than the Russians? And along with out gunning the French Empire with cannons, they also have some of the best troops. Unlike certain Dutch and Belgian regiments on the French side, the Russians don’t route, they fight until one side or the other dies.

The graphics are good in my book, and you can zoom in and out as you see fit. Although you can judge for yourselves what you think of the graphics with these screen shots I made (one of them is zoomed out, the rest are zoomed in).

The game I’ve been playing against the computer (of course you can play against yourself or some other human opponent) is called "Kutzuov Strikes!" and it’s a hypothetical scenario about the Russians hitting back at the French.

All in all, I’ve been rather pleased with the game, although the various phases (movement – melee) can be on the long side. And thus I’m going to give it 4 crossed, dead Frenchmen.

   

And the Amish Were None the Wiser

As most of you may know, last Thursday (August 14th, 2003), we had ourselves a little blackout. And when I say little I of course mean the entire north east of North America.

For those of you in the dark about what went on (boo!), about 11% of the USA/Canadian power grid died out. No one is sure why just yet, but that is not stopping the blame game. Americans are blaming a lightning bolt from the Lord of the Canadian gods, Zeus, hitting the Niagara Falls power plant; Canadians are saying someone from the American Rock and Roll Hall of Fame dropped a Fender™ Bass in a puddle of water.

Either way, the news has gone and titled the whole mess as the “Blackout of ’03;” instead of the correct – “Aught Three” – like our curmudgeon counterparts will be doing forty years from now.

So, what did we learn from this? As seen from a New Yorker’s perspective:

1) Well, human nature has progressed since ’77 – In 1977 (the year of the last major blackout), there were countless fires, robberies and over 3000 arrests. This time, a dip in the daily crime average, only about 500 candle powered fires… hey 500 is better than countless, no?

As for the prerequisite looting – only three stores, one being a Footlocker™. And this was probably only for a decent pair of walking shoes, since subways were down. Good job all you hoodlums of NY!

2) Human nature has not progressed since… ever – Listening to a battery operated edition of the news, the area was exposed to the excesses of reporters. A New Jersey journalist called in from her home when her power came on. She had reported that, she now had enough power to run her air, and was currently doing a load of clothes. Of course we, the powerless, waited with baited breath to see if her model railroad was also functioning, and that the microwaveable burritos were done.

What the hell is that about? A load of clothes!? Laundry!? In a time when we should cut off all non-essential electricity like, say, light bulbs, this stooge is doing the wash!? And to top it off, she was complaining that the second floor air conditioner was not powered!

Oh, there must have been some flak in the office the day after; then again, probably not.

3) That a loss of power, occurring mostly in daylight hours, having maybe 3 fatalities, and caused by nature and not a wayward 747 can be equally compared to 9/11. Wow! That’s good to know.

I’m sorry, but this 12hr event is nothing in the cosmic scale of things compared to the day the towers fell! NOTHING!! Yet all the ever-hyper news agencies must have brought 9/11 up in every other question asked of both peasant and potentate. It gets you wondering if they were bummed out that this was not a terror attack; that this was not indeed the final battle of Armageddon.

OI!

4) How ridiculous the world really is - Hundreds were forced to sleep on the streets, not because of the economy (well, sort of), but because they could not get into their hotel rooms. Why? Because the locks are electronic! Two inches of balsa separated the tired masses from their beds because we have become too lazy to turn a key; we need a magnetic strip to operate the latch.

Also…

It was estimated that all of Broadway lost about 2 million in revenue thanks to this; and there was much pissing and moaning to go along with it. Little do people realize that there are 5 other show days per week. Let’s get some perspective here, please. Hundreds of storeowners will go out of business because of this; and all the rich producers are concerned with is that they’re out 2 million from the 12 they make a week. And the news has the nerve to try to get sympathy for these fat calves.

Ok, this is now shaping up to be a rant to which I don’t feel like getting into right now. So I think I shall abruptly quit this post.

To sum up – Needless to say, the darkness cast light on some issues that need to be addressed. Is this a hackneyed statement? Yes. Is it true? Yes. So the moral of this story is — “Stick with what works.”

Tears of the Sun

Tears of the Sun was a rather abysmal disappointment to all the hype which surrounded it. Action-wise, it of course delivered (although nowhere near the level of Black Hawk Down). The story line pit Navy S.E.A.L. Bruce Willis against your typical bleeding heart doctor, who he’s supposed to be extracting, and a bunch of Islamic rebels running amuck in Nigeria. Then with a plot hole large enough to run the Autobahn through, he decides to fill a chopper full of refugees at the expense of the well being of he, his team, and the doctor.

Plot hole #2, this one being so great and with such gravitational pull, that no logic or common sense can escape (sort of a black hole of plot holes); the son of the executed former Nigerian president shows up in the group of refugees Willis is attempting to escort to the border. What’s that you say? Yes. This sort of mission tampering is a court marshalling offense in real life.

Come again? Quite right! This sort of job with these kind of firefights is much more suited to Army Rangers (who still use 90mm Recoilless guns in stead of an M60E3 machinegun as one their heavy weapons). And finally what really burned me was the fact that, after killing off a bunch of rebels who were butchering the inhabitants of a remote town, instead of grabbing the UNIMOG (it’s a really big truck, this one had a 12.7mm heavy Soviet machinegun on it) and just driving the 7miles to the border, they leave it and choose to hump it on foot.

Anyhow, since I’m still kind of peeved over all the gross inaccuracy and ridiculous plot holes, this movie ain’t getting flying colors. However, it does not warrant a classification as badness fodder. So I’m giving it the bare minimum of a passing grade, which as far as I’m concerned is 2 1/2; air to ground missiles being flung at the ever advancing enemy. It a nice little war stint to watch on a rainy day or a slow Saturday afternoon, but don’t expect to get anything out of it, besides that.

Orange County

Once again we’re not talking the pick of the litter for movie viewing. In a way Orange County is the Tears of the Sun of drugged out MTV comedies. To be fair, it’s no Dead Man on Campus, which really was carried on the shoulders of one character, as is Orange County. The difference here is, Orange County really doesn’t make full use of Jack Black’s character until the middle of the movie.

Oh by the way, the story line here is some miserable, waif-schmuck, writer-to-be is being screwed out of going to Stanford by a cruel and conspiring universe of doom (fairly similar to the cruel and conspiring universe of doom we live in.). Anyhow, Jack Black decides to come to the rescue resulting with the admissions building at Stanford burning to a cinder. It ends with the typical Hollywood ending where everything works out right for everyone sort of like one rancid sitcom.

Bottom line, this one gets a rating of 2 1/3 drugs, because there’s a lot of drug use throughout the movie. It passes, barely and is equally as entertaining. And yes, I think Jack Black’s talents as a booze fueled, drugged up emissary of mayhem are being completely wasted and sadly dulled in this film.

Gangs of New York

Wow! Seldom can one bare witness to a movie that surpasses your expectations and quells your doubts of bad casting. But this is indeed one such occasion. Set on the backdrop of the U.S. Civil War and Irish flight to America, and the ever warm reception "natives" were all to happy to give them – Gangs of New York is not hampered or sissified by the casting of Titanic pretty boy Leonardo Di Caprio. And yes, he is both a pretty boy from the scourge of film Titanic and just a titanic (as is heaping bucket full of) pretty boy.

Anyhow, Leo is the son of some Irish gang lord who is killed by Billy "The Butcher" who was murdered 10 years prior to the setting of this film. Anyhow, Leo comes back to try and kill him off, fails miserably the first time, then tries again opportunely on the second day of the Irish Draft Riots. And appropriately has the shot down in Paradise Square (during a naval bombardment…which is kind of a anti-climactic way to finish a final showdown.).

The violence never stops, which is good, and the chick flick romance is fleeting (with fleeting views of the tits of whores.).

I give it 6 Hollywood squares-er-I mean…um…fuck it, if you want to see Leo get cut up bad just go rent it.

Most Extreme Elimination Challenge (MXC)

The Synopsis:
Take one of the oddest and more renowned Japanese games shows direct off the plane and give it the “What’s Up Tiger Lilly Treatment.”

For those who are not to sure on what this means… shame on you! Simply take foreign language footage (Takeshi’s Castle in the case of MXC), toss out the sound entirely and dub in a whole new script. Then sit back and watch the money roll in.

The Execution:
It’s takes a while to realize it at first, but Most Extreme Elimination Challenge is one of the best-written shows ever! Every line of script seems to have been meticulously weaved together for maximum effect. From player’s names and occupations to the teams they represent and their outcomes, every line is just about a joke and/or a set up line.

Let me butcher a line for an example – Sarah Moe, from the “Wyoming Institute of Automotive Repairs”… to which the second announcer chimes in with “Wy I Auto?”… Trust me, it sounds funnier when they do it.

While you watch the fools on the screen get slammed into walls and by large foam boulders, the viewers are slammed by a nonstop barrage of gags, puns and word play.

The Verdict:
Words really cannot sum up the greatness that is Most Extreme Elimination Challenge. I’ve been sitting at my laptop for two days now and this is the best I can come up with… not a review, but just blatant praise for the show.

Thusly, how can I not give it a 6 on the arbitrary 1-6 scale?

To sum up this babble: The humor is a tad blue, yet still innocent; the action is rough, but everybody seems to walk off in the end… Watch Most Extreme Elimination Challenge, Saturdays on the new TNN at 9pm EST; Sundays on the same station, 8pm EST. (That is as of writing this).

The Small Door Movement

Many people in many places do many things that many of us would never think of doing. But then somehow news of theses things get around, and then many more people begin doing it. This is what we call a “movement.” Now is your chance to join one of these movements…

How many of you out there have at one point ever wished you were someplace else? At work? At home? Right now, wherever you are?

Well here is what you do: take some paper, cardboard, pens, pencils, scissors, tape and other implements of destruction like that and make yourself a little door. That’s it, just a little door. Stick it someplace in plain sight – on a wall, on desk, on another door, at home, school, work, etc. Be creative.

You now have a gateway to another realm! Quantum Physics was never so simple.

When people walk by and ask what’s the deal, just tell them, “this is my ticket out of here.” Use it as a meditation tool as you think “what’s behind the door today.”

Need a scapegoat? Just say it was the little green man behind the door that did or forgot it. Or conversely, you humble types can pass on the praise. The little green man won’t mind either way.

The possibilities are limitless!

It’s the perfect “why not” answer project… as in, “why’d you do it?”

And it gets better still, stand up and be recognized. Take pictures and send them to us.

Go to the forums. Post and tell us what your little door represents, and we’ll post it here.

Get to it!

And remember, the small doors campaign is a Gateway Movement (not the computer company)… you say you want to be an activist, but don’t know where to begin? Start off small with this and soon you’ll be on your way to bigger and better movements.

Note: The NWOt does not condone defacing public or private property not of your own for such sillyness… you’ve been warned.

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