I Have Seen the Apocalypse and His Name is Jamie

Did you ever have one of those days, you know, where you’re ridding the bus and you come across the embodiment of everything that’s wrong in the world? No?

Well, friend, sit down and listen…

His name is Jamie. And, I know his name is Jamie, because his mom kept yelling it out every minute or so. This was on the bus stop, in the rain, and in the cold.

Jamie was doing his own thing, however. He was running around in a tight circle singing the “Gimme a Break, Kit Kat” song over and over and over again. His head was tilted skywards as if to be chanting to the clouds. Turkeys when they do that usually drown from the rain; oh, but not Jamie… he’s gifted. And this literally went non-stop for ten or so minutes.

When the bus came, I had the fortune to sit next to the youngster and his monst… err, mother. It was there that I heard the rumblings of the End of the World. No it wasn’t the prior singing in the rain… oh no. That wouldn’t have left a mental scar as what would then occur. Jamie’s mother and the mother of another kid were engaged in conversation over:

Are you ready? Are you sure?

They were outraged that their sons were not allowed to use spellchecker on an exam.

I shall type that again… Their sons (3rd graders) were not allowed to use spellchecker (a program to correct grammar and spelling should the pre-educated writer make a slipup) on an exam (a test to see how well a kid is doing sans technology).

How, in the course of human history, did we come to this point?! What ever happened to learning how to spell, or use the correct syntax of English? I can possibly see the kid complaining, for that is what kids do. But the mother?!

Lord god in high heaven strike me down if parents are going to get bitchy because their children are forced to become literate members of society and not blobs in the gutter unable to tell if they have the right amount to get the themselves loaded while collecting welfare!!

Spellchecker is for grownups who supposedly have an idea of what they’re doing; it’s not for little boys to get promoted to 4th grade just so they can be fast tracked by a rotting educational standard into oblivion.

So let’s see now, we’ve got War, Famine, Pestilence, and Death… and in a few years - Idiocy, or Jamie to his friends.

Duck Dodgers

I must admit, I was a bit skeptic about the show when it began its advertising campaign. Whenever the WB tries to capitalize on the old Looney Tunes, the venture usually ends in disaster and seems to be 100% pure recycled gags (e.g. shorts like 1990’s short subject “Invasion of the Bunny Snatchers,” and crap like “Space Jam”). Still I kept hope that it would turn out OK… and, my surprised joy, it did.

The Premise

The idea is simple: Make a show based upon the Merrie Melodies’ 1953 short subject - “Duck Dodgers in the 24th 1/2 Century” and WB’s 1980 “Duck Dodgers and the Return of 24th 1/2 Century.”

Our “hero,” Dodgers, comes out of stasis in the 24th 1/2 century in the midst of a Martian blitz of the universe. Dr. I.Q. Hi (the dude with the light bulb on his noggin) assigns the egomaniac a sidekick - The Eager Young Space Cadet, who is, of course, more capable then his captain. Add a ship, some robots, stir and pour and you’ve got a decent cartoon.

The Execution:

There is a lot to like about this cartoon.

Let’s start with the intro. The theme song is performed by none other then Welsh superstar Tom Jones (”What’s New Pussycat,” “It’s Not Unusual”), giving the lead in that needed campy 70’s feel. And, in a move that can only be deemed as cute, the characters are billed as their Looney Tunes counter parts and not voice actors - i.e. Daffy Duck as Duck Dodgers, Porky Pig as Eager Young Space Cadet, and Marvin Martian as The Martian Commander. A nice touch.

By the way, voices include: As Dodgers - Joe Alaskey, who also gave life to Plucky Duck, Sylvester and Tweety, Grandpa from Rugrats, and Thomas Timberwolf (Chuck Jones’ last project that was playing on the Warner Brother’s website until recently)… to name a few. And new to the Loony Tunes mythos are the Martian Queen and Centurion Robots, voiced by Tia Carrere and Michael Dorn respectively.

The show itself breaks the bounds of the theatrical shorts it’s based on. The plots have a little more depth, and the action isn’t limited to the 1-3 “backdrops” most short subjects were used to; thus allowing more room for humor. The jokes are more in depth too, be it a one-time gag or running one. The humor has also grown up a bit - letting adults in on the fun with Animaniacs/Pinky and the Brain brand subtlety, while keeping the kids amused with falling meteors. Indeed, suitable for the entire family.

The characters have evolved too:

Porky is more active and developed; he is now allowed a snide comment here and there, and is more prone to reactions then his 1950’s counterpart… who merely chimed in from time to time merely to re-integrate Daffy.

Daffy, err.. Duck Dodgers is still a pompous twit, but with a twist - he’s even a bigger jerk now… and I don’t think we’d have it any other way. Still, he too has grown allowing a sympathetic side to show (all be it rarely).

Marvin is still the dinky little Martian with a penchant for blowing up the earth… except now he’s got an armada to help (which doesn’t seem to help). They instilled more personality on the runt, allowing him to be the perfect foil to the dysfunctional duo of Cadet and Dodgers.

The Verdict:

As much as I like it, I can’t say it is the most brilliant thing I’ve ever seen; but it certainly is inspired (especially the episode where the heroes grow old real fast), and I’d it say tops most of the junk produced today.

Again, I also appreciate that Duck Dodgers doesn’t go to the well of tired old gags from classic cartoons. I mean those old gags will forever be funny and continue to make us laugh as long as they’re in the original toon, but not in a pathetic remake.

Based on this, I give Duck Dodgers a 5 out of 6 on the arbitrary scale of things.

So go watch it - As of this writing its on Cartoon Network at 11:30am Saturdays, and replays Sundays at 8:00pm… but as always, check your local listings.

Call Him Out, Not At Home!

Faithful and causal readers of this site both know how I feel about the FOX network. I have railed against their lack of taste and lack of judgment. However, I’ve never specified the FOX News Network in one of these attacks… till now.

This week, FOX News shamefully broadcast the home phone number of CNN Personality, Tucker Carlson, host of Crossfire. As a result, hundreds of threatening phone calls were made to Carlson’s home, affecting him, his wife and four kids. The attack comes in retaliation after Carlson, in a monologue, released a FOX New switchboard number - a number that is, by law, supposed to be made public anyway.

Tucker’s number is not so, however.

This has got to be the most shameful event of FOX News’ creation so far! I let the whole “Fair and Balanced” issue slide for they almost had a point; despite the fact they tried to claim copy right to an idea (which if you read the copyright law… is forbidden!).

But this, this… this is plain UNETHICAL! For a network that claims to be so Fair and Balanced, this is pure teetering- on- the- edge- of- insanity! A crazed stalker would be expected to make such a personal attack, not a news agency.

Look, if you find fault with the guy (a single person with an opposing banner) making light of your agency (a multinational conglomerate) that’s fine. I understand that someone in that spotlight, like Tucker, should realize that there would be repercussion. However, respond in debate, denouncing CNN or some such method - on the level of newscasters and business. Don’t go dragging family into this and cause psychological damage.

And just as I was warming up to FOX News too… well sort of. At least we still got the BBC…

The Simplicity of Life

Life is not simple. In fact, it’s quite unnecessarily over-complicated. Think about it… billions of peptides randomly swirled together in a puddle, which then randomly formed billions of proteins which then randomly walked ashore in the form of a being so chemically complex that they only now found the recipe. It was stuck to the back of the brownie formula by the way.

And what did this highly advanced concoction make? Things that eat, sleep, poop and screw. Like I said, overly complicated.

So, what makes everyone think that answers to the questions posed by these aggregations of molecules would be any easier?

The fact is, there are no easy one-lined answers to the questions that matter… at least answers worth a damn. If there’s no contradiction present in the solution, then it probably didn’t hit enough bases. And if the solution is instant, then it probably wasn’t thought through.

We live in a society of instant gratification. Yet the quick answers never seem to tide us over and we beckon for new quick fixes that will eventually fail as well. Let us take time to work things out right. Everything will eventually be solved in due time, not before and not with a quick miracle.

Look, even God took six days to finally come up with humans. I bet his studio was littered with schematics and blueprints till it hit him… “Clay!! Of course! Duh!”

By the by… I have no specific reason or issue to bring this up. Like everything else in this blog, it usually just hits without warning.

The Journalist’s Responsibility

I have come to the conviction that anything I can publish on what will perhaps one day become my life’s work and/or legacy, is worth at least a B at a city college… and visa versa. That being said, I release to you an essay hot off the DeskJet (though with better print quality).

It’s a tad academically written, but still contains some of my personal style. And, it has no real insight into my mind till the end, but it’s stuff I guess needs to be said. Plus it fits with the preachiness of current entries.

So without further stalling…

The Journalist’s Responsibility

Every day, things happen… be it in our neighborhoods or across the globe. And, we as a people are often inclined to find out what happened, even if it has no direct bearing on our lives. However, we no longer rely on local gossip and hearsay; the world is just too big for that. We have to rely upon the mass media - networks of people working together (and sometimes against each other), trying to deliver up-to-date information when it happens.

One variety of person in these networks is the journalist. He or she is the person given the task of finding out and presenting the information. As one can imagine, being the middleman for news events carries some responsibility. In all media, journalists are supposed to remain as objective as possible.

In the United States media, the expectation is, along with the prior, basically to uphold the values of the Constitution. Jefferson called the press the “Fourth Estate” (a term alluding to checks and balances system), an element that acts to scrutinize the government and inform the public of its actions.

So, what’s a journalist to do when the U.S. government, or a section of U.S. society, goes astray from the Constitution? And, in the same breath, how does the journalist keep objective in such a situation? For the sake of this essay, the “Ten Commandments in Public Space” issue will be used as an example.

First of all, we must find out, “what happened?” There is no news if nothing happened. In this case, the First Amendment has allegedly been infringed. The journalist at this point should go over briefly what the amendment is. In this case it’s the issue of “secular government.” With this being answered, the obligation to the constitution has been fulfilled. The rest is of the job is now keeping the writing down the middle.

Then of course we follow up with the “who’s,” “when’s,” and “‘ “where”s”; thus establishing the basic facts of the situation. Each is straightforward enough to answer. After these come the two dicey questions - the “why” and the “how.” Both have subjective answers that need to be translated into objective wording… for that’s the only difference between objective and subjective, a few words.

“How” is not as bas as “why.” Actions are always easier to describe than the reasoning behind them. The “how’s” would follow thusly: The right would probably say something like, “A ‘Beacon of Faith’ was displayed in the courthouse’s rotunda.” The left would say, “A ‘Symbol of Over Present Theism’ was erected in the rotunda of the courthouse.” The objective journalist must stick to the facts and just report a representation of the Ten Commandments was placed in the courthouse. Does that mean that the rightist and leftist are no good in this report? No, but more on that in a second.

Now comes the “why,” the most unobjective question you’ll ever want to meet. In this case it would be the idealism behind the issue - Christian Government vs. Secularism. In order to keep the article objective, it would be logical to either touch only briefly on this point, or leave it out all together. Either way would be irresponsible. Without this element the report is nothing but raw data, and unusable to the common man.

Instead of obtaining objectivity by omitting items that would cause a bias spin - like opinions; the responsible journalist must include both sides in full. The and only then can the reader make use of the article. At the risk of using a cliched image, the basic facts are kindling and the opinions are the spark to get the ideas a flowing, or burning rather.
You get the picture.

So now the article is finished. Both sides are equally covered, and the journalist’s nose is kept objectively out of the matter. Does this mean that reporter should never utter his is her opinion. No, of course not. This expression of personal opinion is also a responsibility of the journalist. Who better to form an educated opinion then the one who’s covering the story? Besides, I’m sure by the time the article is done the journalist is foaming at the keyboard waiting to blast the opposing opinion. Though this must happen elsewhere - either on a separate page/section, or a separate publication altogether (as not to force the reader to lean one way or the other).

Here it comes…

In this forum for opinion, however, I feel the journalist does not have to stay within the realm of “Constitutional Upholder.” This isn’t the first governmental framework the United States has had, so let’s not fool ourselves into thinking the current one is infallible.

Tada…The zinger of the day
That’s right the Constitution could use a little overhaul… but that’s enough for tonight, I’m tired.

For those of you in the dark about the US’s prior constitution, look for the Articles of Confederation. No, it’s nothing to do with the South rising again… this is the government we jumped ass-first into following the Revolution.

On Stereotyping…

I think being able to use two keyboards at once is a neat trick… I don’t see why people are so up in arms about the whole deal.

On Racial Stereotyping:

On the whole, judging a race or sex or philosophical school or breed of dog or cola brand (I think you get the idea) on the basis of a few morons (or bad tasting sodas) is not the best idea we as a species have come up with. I try not to, though it often happens; and this is bad.

But I fail to see why everyone has to get the pitchforks over every single instance it happens, especially if no permanent harm comes from it (like jail or execution) and especially if it happens in the entertainment field.

Allow me to expand -

A few months ago when FOX unleashed the Brit-hit Banzai! upon the unsuspecting masses, there was an uproar over “Asian Profiling.” They said that the creators were unfair in their depiction of Asians. Ok, I’ll grant that. Not all Japanese folk are loud monks or drunken businessmen. And saying so in a vicious manner is wrong. But Banzai! was a lampoon, a farce…

Just last week I watched a video in class saying that the media is a patriarchy the depict women as weak and sex-starved. True, the media sometimes does; but then again, some women are weak and/or sex-starved (Sex and the City); just as some are bitchy slave drivers (Martha S. for example); where as other are the heroines and are strong willed (any female character from Crime Scene Investigators). Making such generalizations is bad if you live your life based on these images alone; however, these are just TV shows.

My whole deal with stereotyping in the media is this - There obviously has to be some logical basis to the stereotype. There has to be. You cannot depict a stereotyped demographic if said stereotyped demographic is not being depicted. If there was no basis, people would refuse to play the part.

In other words, you can’t say it’s a malicious affront to Asians if it’s an Asian doing the acting! If it were insulting, I doubt the Asian actor would sign on. If there was no basis that a female could possibly be seen scantily-clad and slithering across a damp tile floor, then why would any self-respecting actress play such a role?

If the people that are supposed to be offended are doing the offending, then the case is voided. Start chanting this till it sinks in.

We have got to stop taking ourselves too seriously. Do I get offended that people call me a drunk Irish or a cheap Scott? Nay, I reply in brogue saying, “Sure, I like to drink, but refuse to pay me tab.”

They’re words… and if these words don’t affect or depict you, then let them pass. I’m not a drunk Irish. I may be Irish, but I abstain from alcohol (who knows why…).

Those Asian actors from Banzai! may or may not be obnoxious people. I wouldn’t know for sure till I met them.

The only time a stereotype matters is if harm comes from it - again like blindly slaughtering Jews because they “killed the messiah,” or beating up a black man because he was sitting on his stoop.

And the last non-flowing statement of the night - Of course we must stop the hate; but liven up in the process people! The reason we hate is because we are constantly on the defensive.

Group Therapy

A growing craze amongst college professors is the idea of groups; I like to call them “agrigations of silent gawkers.” These cabals usually consist of 1-2 mute brains and 1-infinity equally mute onlookers; forced together by location or alphabetical commonality, and united under one cause - appease the ringmaster.

Well, the system doesn’t work. And here is why (did you doubt I’d have a long winded and generalized explanation?):

- Groups often join together a bunch of friends who all took the course together because they needed 4 more credits. These groups then use the time to gab amongst themselves; usually in a loud and obnoxious manner that would cause widespread disruption to any groups that may be “working.” When it comes time to reveal their “findings,” the “leader” of the pack comes up with an answer comparable to: “Yeah, what they said.’ The “they” in this case being the group before buddies in answering, or an adjacent group who didn’t whisper soft enough to protect their work from academic espionage.

- Groups often join together a mismatch of students; who, outside of class, would probably be warring each other in the name of the campus caste system. I realize that one of the reasons for groups is to bring classmates together, but all this does is cause awkward silence and unproductivity.

When it comes time for this groups to release their study, it is up to the 1 or 2 brains to take the reigns and answer with the work they went ahead and did; thus bailing out the onlookers, who consist of mainly vegetables who needed this bunk as a prerequisite to some other bunk.

Many students prefer to go it solo; even said vegetables, who really don’t need all these people hanging around them. If a body wishes to join up in an academic think tank, let them do it in their own time. Do not force the lone wolves into a pack, for they’re bound freak out and rant about the whole damn dilemma.

The Ring of Knowledge:

One of the worst phrases in the English language has got to be “Ok people, let’s form a circle…” I and about 98% of all students (college and under) cringe it’s sound. That other 2% are the obligatory kids who ask for more homework, then suddenly loose their writing implements in one quick shove. Note: I was never one of these geeks, but I never supported the pogrom against them either. But I digress (as usual).

The Great Academic Circle of Students, a.k.a. The Stationary Wheel of Fate, in a word - stinks. The theory is simple: make one large aggregation of silent gawkers in order to promote class discussion. This is obviously going on the antithesis of the “if I can’t see it, it ain’t there” theory.

Ok, I can see where class discussion is good. It gets ideas flowing; it allows you to get a feel for the crowd, and pick out potential study pairings (if you’re not a maverick academic); and it also give the teacher a break from a 7 hr lecture on the importance of the letter Q.

However, we all don’t need to be facing each other. Platoons of 18th century musketeers faced each other, and look where it got them.

Sigh… Ok see armies fought by lining troops up abreast against the enemy who was parallel and also lined up. They shot, the first lines died and the second phalanx moved up (instant promotion). Lather, reload, repeat.

Seeing who had more troops was easier than calling the role every morning. Anyway, anyway…

In other words, rounding the wagons in a circle worked for the pioneers who had shotguns and who were being attacked from the outside. Here the slings and arrows are coming from within, and it’s easier to take aim.

All I’m saying is disband the groups and cut out the duck-duck-goose formation. They ain’t worth the time it takes to move the chairs! (Well, why didn’t you just say that to being with?)

There and Back Again, and There Again Yet Again, Chapter II

I can always tell when school is about to begin - my legs hurt. It’s like and old war wound that heralds the coming hurricane. I just can’t explain it; and it happens right before each semester since my high school days.

I can move around 200lb picnic tables for days on end (to which was the extent of my summer, by the way… how was yours?), and not feel a thing. Well maybe my back aching and the thud from my head hitting the ground due to heat exhaustion. But my legs… fine!

I can sit around for hours in front of a computer screen, coding an under-the-radar website (the other half of my summer sentence, server concurrently with the previous paragraph); where my muscles simply atrophy away… yet no pain when I walk to the fridge.

However, despite being well rested - ZING!! the day before class.

I guess it’s the thought of traveling from class to class; to which there is often miles in between. Not this semester thank god (just eons of time). Now all I have to do is convince my physique that it’s smooth sailing this term. Eh! enough moaning about health.

Time to moan about class!

I have never considered myself to be very political; though lately I’ve been growing very much so. I have to, I suppose, if I’m ever going to take over the world… I mean… um…No that’s right - World Domination!! I might as well announce my candidacy for Benevolent Meritocratic Authoritarian of the World; see you in November.

Wait, where was I? Oh yes, my journalism class. Hey, I was getting there. Really.

To make a long story short and more boring, I found out that journalists are the last line of defense for the Constitution. Would have fooled me, I thought that was the Justice Department. Anyway, in finding this out plus the class discussion that followed suit, I have determined why this course is going to be a pain in my neck:

First - actual news reporting. Though it will be small and only on campus events, I don’t like news writing. Not only that, but it’s hard to do. My style, though often called “too breezy and journalistic” by my history professors, is not suited for news. A&E maybe…

As much as I would love to learn how to write in a serious, un-biased tone, I am afraid that with the growing apartment shortage in my head, I will somehow evict my current style. Granted writing as I talk and thusly talking to my audience isn’t the most professional way; but it is conducive to the satire/journaling/philosophy writing I do. Anyway, it’s paranoia… move on.

Second, and this goes without saying, that I am probably one of the few people that will actually be using that decoration just above the neck called a head. It’s a “lets form a group” type class that always ends in me being paired with a tree. More on my ranting about this next time.

And third - I am willing to bet that I was the only one (maybe three at the most) that ever had a conservative thought in their head. This is saying a lot being raised as a moderate leftist and all.

Oh I just know my ire will be raised in this class. Feh!

On a good note, I got an application to join the radio station - thus putting me in the running for the Amateur Media Triple Crown (collegiate/small potatoes press, independent cheesy video arts, and ham-sammich radio)… also know as the Vegas Smorgasbord Award. I doubt I’ll ever go on air - my panic factor and all - but I shall keep you posted since the station streams on the net.

That’s it for today. There will be posting more often since school, has kick started my brain.