The Mighty Cheese & Crisp

• 2 slices of Rye Bread
• 4 Slices of American Cheese
• Golden’s Spicy Brown Mustard
• Salt & Vinegar Potato Chips/Crisps

(makes 1 sandwich)

It’s a bit obvious what to do next, but for all you rocket scientists out there, I explain:

Place two slices of bread on the plate, and place the cheese on said bread. Rye bread is a good all purpose bread. It’s got texture and taste… unlike your pansy white bread! Pepperidge Farms puts out a good Rye, especially for this project. It won’t fall apart. Beefsteak is also a good Rye, but not for this.

Next, you’ll want to put the mustard on. I say to use the squeeze bottle because you can make fun patterns on the sandwich. This is actually good to figure out just how much mustard to apply. Instead of staring at a knife to see if you got too much or too little, just pick a pattern and squeeze! I like the pattern shown to the right. And don’t worry if you’re mustard has separated (gone all runny), it’s ok for this recipe, amazingly.

Finally, put on the salt and vinegar chips/crisps (depending on where you live). Not only do they taste good, they’re beneficial too. Vinegar is a blood thinner, so the cheese, salt and chips won’t clog the arteries too quickly… (note: Martin Stuart is not a doctor… why, he hasn’t even see an episode of ER in his life). Spread them across the mustard side, that way they’re more apt to stay in place.

Ok, now go eat!

Serving suggestions:
A pickle and a bottle of Arizona Green Tea. Thats it. What?! YOu were expecting candles?

This Ain’t You Mum’s Teatime

Stuff you’ll be needing:

• Dinner roll sized Potato Rolls
• Sandwich stacker style sliced pickles
• Ketchup
• Lettuce
• Piccalilli Relish
• Egg Salad (however you like it)
• Cookies and/or Pastries
• Tea (no sh…)

It’s amazing how pansyassed teatime can be. Tea built empires dammit! Now it’s resigned to old ladies and stuffed animals. Well screw that, it’s time to bring afternoon tea back into palatable style.

First thing we got to do is toss out those “classic” tea sandwiches – watercress and cucumber finger sandwiches to be exact – and replace them with suitable substitutes.

First let’s tackle the cucumber sandwich: Mmmm, boy. Cucumber on white bread. Can life get anymore… err, DULL?! Come on, you might as well be serving cardboard on paper. If you need cucumber in the mix, use that tried and true side element – the pickle. Here’s what you do: Take a dinner roll, add a slice or two of pickle and top with a dash of ketchup. You can use a pickle spear, but it can get unwieldy. For added flavor add a bit of fresh horseradish, or even that white stuff you get at Roy Rodgers. That’s good eatin’.

Next the watercress sandwich: Weeds?! Weeds on toast?! Are you serious man? Let’s remedy the situation. Take another roll and add a leaf or two of iceberg lettuce. Then add a tsp. of Piccalilli relish. This makes a nice combo of sweet and tart, and is much more civil then serving lawn clippings.

Finally you can keep the egg salad sandwich, ’cause egg salad is good for any occasion. And of course we need cake. Having cake and cookies before supper is the only reason the Brits came up with afternoon tea… admit it.

Now with these new additions, not any tea will do. Herbals are just gonna die under the flavors here, so better keep them locked up till bedtime (or break out the whisky). Nay, you need strong tea for this mix. This is why I propose Lapsang Souchong.

No it’s not a little furry dog, wise guy. It’s a tea that’s cured over burning pine needles. A friend of mine calls it “campfire tea,” ’cause it has that smoldering wood smell to it. However, whether it stirs up Boy Scout memories or not is debatable… but it’s strong flavor is definitely good to offset this meal.

Eat hearty…

The Mock Ploughman’s Sandwich

Ingredients:

• Hard Rolls or Italian/French Bread
• Branston Pickle
• American Cheese

Thas as a mini version of a thing called a Ploughman’s lunch, which is some fruit, some veggies, a block of cheese and bread with a small cup of Branston Pickle – which is carrots, cauliflower, gherkins, marrows, onions. rutabega, tomatoes, and apples in a thick sweet and tangy sauce. Pretty damn good.

Basically all you do is put the cheese in your roll, spoon the pickle on, smush it down and consume. Simple, yet easy.

Milk is good with it, but so is Arizona Green Tea (Of course).

A Modest Sized, Out of Control Ramble on Lawyers

A few months ago whilst on the NYC subway (where all the good things in life manifest themselves), I came upon ads for one of them there accidental law firms… you know the ones that leech off of society in the name of justice. And without a doubt, these ads prove that all, and I mean all attorneys are pure hell-spawn.

Aye I know I’m stereotyping, but just look at these ads. I did not make them up, they are real. If I wasn’t afraid of lawsuit, I’d post the firm and its site.

Just take a long look at it… view a few cycles and suck in all the scumminess. I bet you never new just how much fun lead poisoning and malpractice could be, eh? Especially when they can buy you a yacht and a port of call in the Bahamas. Ooh and look at the heavy machinery… must be a new ride at Dis- er, no, don’t want to say the name. I might get sued.

How do these “lawyers’ sleep at night, bringing suit after litigation of really jerky “causes?” (Very well and on feather beds, apparently.)

All kidding aside though, people are way too too sensitive these days and level the poorly sighted double barrel of justice way to prematurely. Everything is “civil liberty” this and ‘violated rights” that. The civil law courtrooms these days are becoming nothing more than state-funded casinos with really loose slots!

Granted, accidents are one thing, people get hurt and do, from time to time, need justice. But even in accident cases, there has to be a line drawn someplace. I mean a guy (or his widow) should not be receiving millions after bringing a toaster into the bathtub just because the manufacturer didn’t put the “this is not a floatation device” label on the offending OPEN ELECTRICAL COIL UTILIZING DEVICE.

And trial lawyers… grr, don’t get me started on them.

What I don’t understand is why they always seem to escape Obstruction of Justice? Ok, court appointed defenders could be excused (though not really since they choose the line of work), because they really don’t know what they’re walking into. However, those high priced lawyers of the rich and infamous should get jail time along with the crook.

Think about it, they obviously know their client it guilty. Why else would an attorney go though Oscar caliber rhetoric and use every known loophole in the book to score the technicality? If your client it innocent, would not the evidence prove so; not a some ruling from 1923 which says “if the prosecution sneezes and does the Lindy Hop on the second Tuesday of the month, the case against the accused must be dropped.”

Justice is not being done in these cases, and the Defense is obstructing it… ergo, hang the defense. Just as the samurai went down with their master, lawyers should go down with their clients!

The Rundown

The Synopsis:

In this Adventure/Comedy, a loan enforcer (The Rock) is sent to Brazil to track down his boss’ maverick archaeologist son (Seann William Scott), who has gotten mixed up in the gold mining town-that-time-evicted of EL Dorado, which is owned by the ever evil/eccentric Christopher Walken. Throw in some rebels (including a washed up Ernie Reyes Jr.) and a few monkeys, simmer and serve (you’ll get that if you go see the film).

The Execution:

Not having seen the Scorpion King, I wasn’t sure what to expect with The Rock in the lead. I was pleasantly surprised – the guy can act. Granted it’s not Shakespeare, but The Rock was able to pull off a good performance. He can do the dramatic bits, as well as the comedic facial and verbal beats (a good example would be the “I hebt monkeebs” scene a little more than halfway through the movie).

Walken was good as the low-key madman. However, I felt they could have done a little more with him, since he is the villain after all…

Seann William Scott was great as Travis. He definitely plays a good loon who’s been in the jungle too long, and I hope to see him in more stuff. (Yes I know he’s been in the American Pie movies, but I’ve not seen them and really don’t care too… though I might now just to see what else this boy can do).

The story was well rounded for a WWE vehicle (Mr. McMahon was the producer). The plot made sense, and the jokes were well played (including inside ones like Walken asking “What am I, psychic?”). No odd tangents were added and no loose ends were left (aside from the obligatory leave-it-vaguely-open-for-possible-sequel ending). Indeed, not a mindless action flick. Speaking of which…

Now on the fight scenes: As to be expected with a film starring a pro-wrestler, the fights were over the top… but in a good way. They all were well choreographed. The Rock’s character is averse to guns, so the bulk of the fights are dodging bullets and disarming his assailants “peacefully,” using actual martial arts with only the occasional suplex and drop kick. That doesn’t mean there wasn’t a kick-ass shoot out at the end, oh no. He’ll shoot you if need be.

The Verdict:

There are many reasons to go see this movie – It’s fun for one. The camera work was good and the scenery was beautiful. The Rock can indeed act. There’s a Scotsman pilot/preacher who thinks he’s Irish (or an Irish preacher/pilot wanting to be a Scotsman). You’ll need to see it to figure out some references from this review. And most timportant you’ll need to see it because of the score:

For being what it is, for not taking itself too seriously (the intro proves that right off the bat), for knowing it’s an adventure/comedy and living up to that notion extremely well – I give The Rundown a 6 out of 6 on the New World Otter’s arbitrary scale of stuff and things. Suspend your disbelief and go see it.