Where There’s Smoke, There’s Grammar

At first I thought it was a localized trend exclusive to my school. A colloquialism kept within that particular “academic” community. Then I heard it when I changed schools. I hear it at work and on the streets. The predicate, “smoke a cigarette,” is all over and is scary as hell

Now I really don’t give a fig about the actual smoking of the aforementioned ciggy. This isn’t some anti-tobacco rant, so you may read on. It’s the fact that the clarification is needed is what gets me. Why all of a sudden are people declaring what’s about to be smoked?

Then it hit me…. I realized who’s responsible. Potheads! Blankity-blank-blank Potheads! Potheads are re-textbook-izing the English language. Can you taste the irony in this? Mental burnouts are beginning to speak all academic like. And it’s all because the simple verb “smoke” now refers to using illegal substances. For example: “I smoked at lunch.” “I once smoked at Six Flags.” “I smoked in church.” Etc.

It’s obviously a code. It’s a code that doesn’t fool anyone and it’s a code that now forces others to create annoying strings of words! I mean there’s nothing wrong with adding academic flavor to your speech. But you all sound like a bunch of failed English as Second language teachers whenever you need a cigarette. You question the need to say “fume un cigarrillo” in Spanish… why start the trend in the mother tongue?

You may wonder why I care. Well, unfortunately, the pothead culture has some mysterious force upon pop culture (like the moon on waves or assholes on the economy); and I fear this over-declaration in the English language trend will expand and become the vernacular.

The trend’s already long latched onto “drink.” “I need a drink,” means so much more than a thirst for water. I fear one day the simple predicate “murder somebody” will have to be clarified into “slowly drain the blood of the wordy loser with dilated eyes and smelly clothes.”

Selling the Farm II

The original idea put out by John Locke so many years ago was that all humans had the right to life, liberty and property. Jefferson would later put it down as “life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.” Odd how parcels of land and shelters of wood got equated to happiness.

Where as it may be true for realtors and lawyers… property does not necessarily equate to happiness when others are concerned. I mean, who’s making the commissions here?

Once the house is “sold” or “bought” (depending on who’s faction you’re loyal to at the time) something call the “closing” is supposed to take place. No, it has nothing to do with beheading old Scotsmen or pinning people to mats (thought the more I think about it…); the closing is that blessed event where both sides meet, sign things and be done with the whole ordeal. The sooner this happens the better as anything that hinges on the closing can go on (say the seller’s buying a replacement dwelling with the lucre made off the old homestead).

We’ve been waiting a good (and the term’s used loosely) 3-5 weeks now to find out when our closing is.

See, before the official closing, the lawyers and the banks from both sides first gather for a good ol’ circle jerk and set the date for the closing – usually for some time some ways away. They then all go on vacation until a few days before said date. Oh! and they don’t tell anyone anything.

So, this then leaves the seller the only option of sailing blindly forward.

We have a moving crew reserved for lord knows when; 4 weeks notices handed in, leaving a single paycheck left; and a deposit on a dream house in a dream community about to be lost because we can’t tell the nice community leaders what the hell is going on.

Now the story told to us so far is thus: the bank is dragging its feet. Apparently, the guy who’s handling the buyer’s affairs is on vacation until 3 days after the first “projected” closing date. Projected, used in this sense, is to seller as cheese is to cartoon spring loaded mallet.

Somehow it’s doubtful that one man can cripple a bank from doing what banks do best – give out high interest mortgages to investors for ungodly profit. If that be the case, it says a lot about that bank. If that be the case, hand me my blowgun, I’ve got a bank to rob!

My hypothesis is this – it’s the local players’ fault! Our realtor knows our lawyer, which at first seems like a nice lob in our court. But the buyer is from the boonies of long island, and had to have gotten a reference to his lawyer here from somebody. Our realtor knows his lawyer well too, it seems. Put an addition sign in the mix and you’ve got one lumpy sum.

So now we’ve got a nice group of chums working on this case… who all must know each other’s schedules and such and probably think nothing of delaying the deal since they’re all friends and can do it when ever they have free time. Make a picnic of it I guess. Forget that people’s lives hand in the balance! There’s a slew of other reason for delay, but they all equate back to nepotism and so many dropped balls you can open a Chucky Cheese play area!

However, there’s not much you can do about it. If you make a fuss things will get worse. Lawyers, like most professionals, have the uncanny ability to but human life in stasis for months at a time.

It makes me sick!

Edgar Rice Burroughs wrote in A Princess of Mars, “In one respect at least the Martians are a happy people; they have no lawyers.” I’m wondering if I can sue these people; they’re clearly impeding on my inalienable right to the pursuit of happiness and property!

Banzai!

There are 2 sure bets in life, and they often walk hand in hand:
1) Concepts for television programming and movies always come in pairs.
2) The FOX Network sucks!!!

Original Image “dontated” by fox.com

Yes, it appears that the FOX network has laid another rotten egg upon the world in the form of "Banzai," a British import which lampoon’s Japanese game shows.

Short of the too long of it:

The premise of the show is simple: they do silly (dumb) things (i.e. tie balloons to chickens) and have the audience bet online on the outcomes; while at the same time get yelled at by a very loud and very bald monk-type guy and a wienerish Japanese business man. Both of who grow old after the intro sequence (in which they do not appear).

The Execution:

Having been watching Japanese television for some time now, I can tell you one thing – Banzai indeed resembles (only slightly though) a legit Japanese game show. They are always full of bright colors, loud people, and above all else… stunts and games once thought inhumanly doable (if not physically, then for the sole reason of why-the-hell-should-I?).

THIS show, however, is unlike the real deals because it is obviously forced. The typical real Japanese game shows have contestants willing to do just about anything to win (often with nothing at stake), and are unscripted for the most part. This is their charm; this is reality. Some aspects are staged, of course; but the bulk of it is raw human nature against unique challenges.

Everything in Banzai is phony and antiseptic; is done on closed sets, sans-audience, and with actors. Granted, these stunts are performed for the "betting" crowds, but even the stunts got a bit on the hackneyed side.

Yes, floating poultry was a giggle; as was Lou Ferigno in a race against a rabbi and priest for the soul of a baby. The rest however, like shopping cart jousts and grannies in wheelchairs playing chicken, have been done to death in various forms and shows.

The Verdict:

This is just a lame attempt to compete with Most Extreme Elimination Challenge on Spike TV (the new TNN). It’s them people-seemed-to-like-that-so-why-not-copy-it-and-make-it-crap syndrome, which is circulating around media boardrooms across the country.

The makers of this show should be tarred, feathered and made to eat really old sushi…

Had this been a review with the scale from 1-6, it would have surely been in negative numbers, if for no other reason than being another patented FOX rip-off.

So instead, it deserves 8 1/2; katana swipes… bleed FOX, bleed!

Two Years A Webmaster

A few years ago a concept entered my mind, and to this date I still can’t figure out what is was. It was the New World Otter, we all know that… or, at least to those reading this article.

I remember when and why it hit my head. The humor section for the Pauw Wow I was planning was kyboshed by the then editor, and I promised the writer (who’s work was just dismissed) a place for him to write… someday. Since this took place after a very liberal poli-sci course, “New World Otter” (instead of Order, incase you’ve still not gotten the pun) was the first thing on my lips.

As with most people from college, I lost touch with that writer… he dropped out a week after my brainstorm. But, I did have a comic strip that could use publishing (I learned about the concept of Webcomics around that point); so began my learning process. I gathered up a smattering of basics in html and an account at Angelfire (as do all budding webmasters sometime in their lives), and posted a website.

It had frames, an animated logo, my comic strips and a page with the word “cheese” in bold block letters, but it was a start. A start that sat around for 2 years then deleted itself (yay!).

Then, I graduated college and became bored. So, I gathered and even bigger smattering of html, paid for hosting, and ripped off many a website. That was 2 years ago and an official website was born.

Since that time, I’ve learned many do’s and don’ts of the web world. There are more don’ts than do’s apparently. I’ve moved on to learn a smattering of JavaScript, Perl and PHP… enough to install other people’s scripts. I’ve pimped, plotted and Photoshop-ed. And here’s what I have learned:

Maybe I should clarify at this point. I’m not talking about commercial sites like booksellers or them discounted drug stores. They’re all soulless. I’m talking about personal sites, portfolios, e/n whats-its, etc. You know, the Indie scene on the web.

Don’t get into the whole web world on the notion it’s glamorous. There’s a lot to be learned and a lot of time to be wasted. And you’ll only get something average looking with that effort. Overnight successes are a rare occurrence, more so in the Webcomic world.

You’ve got to for yourself, and yourself alone. That’s what I did. I had a comic and a message, plus tons of other randomness that there’s really no place for other than self-publishing on the web. But with that came the fringe benefits of learning all sorts of new things, and increasing my patience index. It takes a great deal of patience because nothing goes right the first time (no matter how detailed the instructions are). If you’re not willing to spend a lot to get squadoo, then it’s time to find a new hobby.

Oh, of course I would love to have a huge readership base, but the odd of that happening are not good. I’m happy with the few loyal readers the site does get, because they get it. They get what the NWOt is about, or at the very least are squinting very hard trying to get what we’re about. Hell, some days I’m still trying to figure out what we’re really about.