Arnold Stench’s Amateur Music Hour

According to the current issue of Rolling Stone (don’t ask why I got it, it just came in the mail for some reason) the worlds of quote-unquote music and quote-unquote reality television are about to collide in what can only result in an earth shattering raspberry. As if one couldn’t guess, UPN and MTV of course spearhead the movement.

UPN spews forth it’s urban feel with Missy Elliot doing her version of American Idol where the winner will get a recording contract and $100,000, thus thrusting upon society yet another semi-rich mook who’ll re-appear sometime in 2024 on the washed-up celebrity game show circuit. Speaking of which, Busta Rhymes and Madonna will be coaching the starlets in all the various techniques of Mangled-tune-foo and Kaba-blech (respectively).

Meanwhile, MTV will be regurgitating onto the viewing masses Nick Lachey; thankfully he will be sans-bimbo… well, probably not. His gimmick this time - “build a studio in his garage from scratch - and while he’s at it record a successful solo album.” A difficult task indeed, what with only his millions at his disposal. Though I must say, he might have a chance at the record bit… a half working studio can only improve his sound quality.

But as if reality TV couldn’t get more tasteless we get CBS’ s “Rock Star” and UPN’s “R U the Girl with T-Boz and Chilli,” both ghoulishly searching out replacements for deceased band members - the first for INXS’s Michael Hutchence who committed suicide; the other for TLC’s Lisa Lopes who died in a plane crash. There’s nothing wrong with searching for new band mates, but come on! Doing it on national television only reeks of exploitation. Way to show friendship and “sista’hood.” I hope a curse falls on both bands (which sucks cause INXS was still cool).

The After Christmas Rail

The end of the year is upon us which means we again passed through the month of December - full of all sorts of holidayness - not unscathed. This year the phrase “Merry Christmas,” with it’s once message of mere good tidings for the season, has become a battle cry and the nativity a standard to be waved while a shield wall is constructed against an ominous “united” secular movement bent on destroying the holiday.

On the other side: the atheist, Jewish Muslim, and/or (d)other world were assaulted by the “Bread Menace” as private lawns across the county were infected by displays of Christian ideals in a pogrom spreading the “If you don’t believe in Christ, have a nice day anyway!” message.

There was much rattling of swords, lights, hay, signs, figurines, menorahs, presents and teeth as church and state and freedom of speech clashed outside government buildings all across the United States.

Those of us who try to sit nicely in the middle of the world of controversy (usually behind a filing cabinet or blast shield) could not escape the headache educing ENDLESS coverage of the nonsense, causing much heart ache and a scramble to rewrite the centrist motto from “Can’t we all just get along?” to “Shut the fuck up the lot of you or else bricks will fall like the virgin snow!”

So, allow me to throw my bricks.

To the Christians - there’s no organized secular front against you, so take off the tinfoil hats. No one is out to kill Chri… well you know. It’s just a bunch of people feeling a bit alienated, which is understandable since preachers spew fire and brimstone against the non-believers like it was their mission to convert the world. Guess what - Christ’s message, if you kindly open your bibles to page number ANY, is understanding. Try it sometime.

To everyone else - chill out! If December is your time of the year to do something festival related (which to many faiths it is) then go about your business. That nativity isn’t there to subvert you. It’s not going to bite or program you ala Clockwork Orange.

It’s time to lay down some reality here - The United States of America was established by Christians. Puritans set up shop and it spread from there. So it is little wonder that Christian holidays became the dominant celebrations. Anyone coming to these shores after that should have done their research as to what type of culture they’d be entering. I seriously doubt the American expatriates are out in front of Turkish Mosques, Israeli Temples and Tibetan monasteries chanting “hey we live here too now, so you need to prominently display a highly ornamented evergreen tree somewhere or we’re going to sit and mope!”

People speak of America being the “melting pot of the world.” However, what said people who use such analogies fail to realize that when using a melting pot - that which goes in changes it’s properties much faster than that which is already there. It takes time for the whole mix to unite. And frankly, there will be no shift in the paradigm if people don’t stop stamping their feet and decapitating plastic Virgin Mary’s.

Now everyone pin your ears back!

The holiday known as Christmas
As it stands today,
Is that of the Victorian era
The Charlie Dickens way.
The meaning though it varies
Can be shared by all.
I’ve seen Jews set up mangers
And Catholics at the Wall.

When someone shouts
To thee Merry Christmas!
It’s not the time
To be a jackass,
Or a Grintch,
Or call the ACLU!
Just nod and greet back
In the faith taught to you.

Whether you deck
Your proverbial halls
With trees or with dreidles,
Or staple salmon to walls,
The meaning of is clear.
Be cool and don’t fuss
And may a God somewhere
Bless every one of us.

Obligatory Quiz Postings

Well, this is a blog, so I guess I am legally bound to post some online quiz results. Sad part is, these things often work!

You Are a Liberal Republican

When you tell people that you’re Republican, they rarely believe you. That’s because you’re socially liberal - likely pro-choice and pro-gay rights. You’re also not so afraid of big goverment, as long as it benefits people and not politicians. You are the most likely of any Republican type to swing over to the Democrat side sometimes.

You Are From Jupiter

You are exuberantly curious - and you love to explore newness. Enthusiastic and optimistic, you get a kick out of stimulating intellectual discussions. Foreign cultures and languages fascinate you. You love the outdoors, animals, and freedom. Chances are you tend to exaggerate, so try to keep a lid on that. If you do, you’ll continue to be known for your confidence, generosity, and sense of justice.

And lastly, one that I have no clue about…

Which OS are You?

Lookit… I must be |33+

Mythbusters

There are many burning questions out there that fall into the realm of legend. Will pop rocks and soda blow you up? Was JFK killed with a bullet made of chopped meat? Can you raise a sunken ship with ping-pong ball? Did the ancient Chinese send a man to the moon using fireworks? Etc Etc Etc…

Where there are questions, people search for answers.

The Synopsis

Jamie Hyneman and Adam Savage, two special effects whizzes and evil geniuses, take it upon themselves each week to re-enact all sorts of urban legends to see if in fact they are confirmable, plausible, or pure fantasy… aka “BUSTED!”

The Execution

From a scientific standpoint, these guys know what’s up. They follow through the scientific method (though it may not seem like it at times) and concoct brilliant scale and true size experiments to test the myriad of cockamamie urban legends and myths out there, often putting themselves in harms way to do it (eyebrows have been lost). That’s dedication to the truth there.

From an entertainment standpoint it gets better. If for example a myth is busted, they then go to great measures to see what would indeed replicate the myth in real life… often calling a great deal of explosives into the picture - much to the chagrin of Mythbuster #3, Buster the crash test dummy.

The Verdict

If you like explosions, if you like idiotic stunts, if you like engineering and physics you’re going to want to watch Mythbusters. It’s a solid 6 out of 6 charred mannequins for Mythbusters, which can be seen frequenty on the Discovery Channel.

VH1 Classic

Where would I be without this network? It’s basically old school MTV, you know when it played music… good music.

Pro’s:

• Shows a wide array of music videos classic artists from the worlds Pop to metal to alternative and Hip Hop… often rare, complete and (mostly) uncensored.
• Shows classic concerts from all eras. I once saw a Triumph concert. I mean, anything that shows classic Canadian Prog Rock has got to be dedicated to the music!
• There’s a request show, which means you can ask to see even rarer stuff!
• Minimal VJ (video jockey) interference. Each of the programs is about the videos and aren’t interrupted by idiots introducing the songs (that’s what the title in the corner is for right?). Though this is slowly changing a bit as there are more cuts to interviews and artist facts. Not to worry though as it’s people who know music like Eddy Trunk… and not some over moussed airheads like other music networks.

Con’s (but not really):

• Most of the videos are from the 80’s, but this is understandable since that was when music videos came into dominance as an art form.
• The video play gets repetitive. If you keep the station on all day (which I did in college), you are bound to repeat the same videos over an over again since they replay their play lists about 3 times a day. This can be good though if you want to tape some long sought after stuff, just wait till it comes around again at midnight.

VH1 Classic can be found on most digital cable packages these days. If you don’t have digital cable then there’s something wrong with you! Go now and whine to whoever makes those decisions. If you provider doesn’t carry VH1 Classic, then there’s something wrong with them! Go now and whine to them and tell them “you wanna rock!”

Hidalgo

Breakdown and Breaking Balls

A Western that takes place in the Middle East?! What the HELL?! But it’s true my friends, all too true. No, seriously.

It’s based on the autobiography of Frank Hopkins. Speaking of whom, he’s played by Viggo Mortensen, and does a myriad of things throughout this film. He’s a scout at the beginning just before massacre at Wounded Knee, then goes on to be a regular in Bill Cody’s Wild West shows. While there, he ‘insults’ Omar Sharif (who plays Sheik Riyadh), and is challenged to take his mustang and race against all the pure bread Arabians (these are horses, not people or cars) in a race that crosses from one end of the Middle East to the other.

In the midst of it all there’s corruption, cheating, kidnappings and lots of gun and sword play. All in all, a good 2 hrs spent.

Rantings and Ratings

This is one of the best movies I’ve seen in a while. Yes, it is definitely a film for people who know horses, but for those of use who aren’t as lucky, there’s plenty of the universal language of violence to make up for not knowing why an Arabian horse id better than a Mustang horse. Hidalgo, you earned yourself a 6 out of 6.

The Spongebob Squarepants Movie

Often, when a television show makes it to the silver-screen it, well, sucks. This is especially true of cartoons in general and really true of Nickelodeon “Nick Toons.” They seem to stretch a half hour episode into an hour and half of diluted jokes in some cases… crap.

Thankfully, the nuts at United Plankton Productions decided to break this mold and created a feature length Spongebob Squarepants movie that will not disappoint!

The Synopsis

Plankton, the pint sized scourge of Bikini-Bottom, seems to have a viable plan for undersea conquest – which involves, as usual, getting the Krabby Patty recipe. This time however, he succeeds though political manipulation and the theft of King Neptune’s crown. To save the day, Spongebob and Patrick must travel far and wide to retrieve the crown, all the while proving to the world and themselves that they are men! Do they succeed? That would be telling.

The Execution

True to form for anything Spongebob, the movie is full of corny gags and non-sequiturs that will entertain children but more so the parents.

The artwork and animation is a bit better than the TV counterpart (one would hope so for the price of a movie these days). The live action cutaways are kind of hokey, but fit in nicely. It is Spongebob after all.

As for the story – it progresses in a true 3 act cinematic fashion, and no scene is put in without reason just for the sake of the laugh… despite the chaotic nature of the show.

In short, a solid movie.

The Verdict

Has to be a 6 out of 6. Anyone who has to bring a kid to it will be able to enjoy it. Any fan of Spongebob will love this movie, even though there are slight errors in the Spongebob Universe continuity (e.g. total Neptune redesign voiced by Jeffrey Tambor rather than John O’Hurley), and the distinct lack of the Flying Dutchman and that surfing fish.

The Way of the Icebox

There once were two refrigerators - one the property of an optimist, one the property of a pessimist. They each had equal contents: old milk, stale bread, a box of baking soda and a block of butter. Each refrigerator has four shelves.

The optimist organizes his fridge thus: one item on each shelf, pushed all the way to the front. The pessimist organizes his fridge thusly: all his items on one shelf, pushed all the way to the back.

Though they both may starve to death, the pessimist will realize it faster for his shelves are empty. He can do something about it. The optimist on the other hand will realize too late, for he sees that no shelf is bare. He believes he can go on as is.

A Social Experiment

I came up with a concept whilst watching the morning news.

We set up two towns - equal resources, equal population base, equal climate, etc. The only difference is one is a completely secular state and the other a theocracy. Let them set and grow for about fifty years and see who comes out better. That way we clearly see who’s right and finally put the science into political science.

The reason I bring this up is we are tearing ourselves apart living together. Another civil war is due in this country, and I foresee the lines being drawn the same way there were the first time around, though the subject changed to faith issues. So maybe we can hold it off a bit till after we see what works and what doesn’t, and till after I’m dead.

This is not without precedent mind you. Back in the 1800s, there was a town in the northwest that tried out a strict French Utopian Socialistic state. Needless to say the experiment failed and is why we don’t talk much of French Utopian Socialism… or the town for that matter.

It Takes a Village to Tase a Child

A few months ago down ol’ Miami way, the police had a series of incidents resulting in Taserings (stun gunning for all the police technology termed challenged).

The first zap was against a lunatic wielding shards of broken glass. He held the police and the gathering crowd at bay with his improvised weaponry as well as cutting on himself (as most lunatics wielding shards of glass tend to do), coming close to his arteries. Both he and those in the vicinity were at risk.

The second zap came a few days later against a fleeing female. She and a gang of others were drunk and disorderly in swimming pool one midday morning. When approached by patrol car, she ran off through a crowded the parking lot. Rather than speeding after her in the vehicle, she was tasered and apprehended.

Sound pretty normal… right? Well there’s a hitch. They were aged six and twelve respectively - the younger going berserk in the principles office, the “elder” dodging school (remember, she was drunk).

Of course, now, the officers are under scrutiny; scrutiny, I feel is undeserved. They did what the felt had to be done.

The whole issue is, “what are the procedures for Tasering with regards to underage perps?” Those who are blind to what the youth of today are slowly becoming, who protest any force at all, are saying that there should be no procedure at all - just don’t Tazer kids.

I, however, see it oppositely. True there should be no “procedure” at all… but that’s because procedures slow reaction time. If someone has an improvised scimitar and is waving it around in a 6×6 box with a crowd of onlookers in slashing range - no matter who it is - stun the bastard.

With regards to the lush of a pre-teen, this brings up a good opportunity for a neat idea of mine - we should Taser all kids at least once in their lives. Get them while they’re young. Let them feel the bite of justice. Kids today are getting too big for their britches (my god, did I just use an octogenarian clich�? Anyway…). They want to act older, let them be punished the same.

I give to you an example from my job at a “religious” summer camp. This fragment of banner was retrieved from the garbage following a faith festival. The campers were six, the councilors twelve. Is that the art of the harmless children we still think lurk? Game, set, and match.

But this issue, and similar issues will likely never be resolved. Most other people, those with heads on their necks, seem to be staying out of this mess… and with good cause. This tase the children issue falls into what I term the “Bleeding Heart Box-trap.”

Ever see those cartoons were the there a box balanced on a stick which is tied to bait. The rabbit grabs the bait and the box falls. No matter which way the rabbit turns it hits a wall… a blank/dull wall; then runs in circles, and dies of exhaustion. Yeah, same here. No answer will alleviate the situation, because that would put a lot of lawyers out of a job.

I’ll give an example from the Taser story, direct from the Police director’s mouth: “Had the child cut his vein and the officer not Tasered the child, somebody would be saying ‘Well, you had the Taser. Why didn’t you Taser the child?’” (Florida Today, Nov 2004) Classic box trap… aka the Catch 22.

Another example comes from the Miami-Dade medical examiner, who fears the situation because Tasers were never really tested on children. Let me ask this - if testing were scheduled, would you allow it? Probably not.

For the record, 50,000 volts (even 100,000 volts) won’t kill. It’s the amps that’ll get ya. Sure, it’s uncomfortable; but really you’d only be in danger if there were pre existing heart conditions or the subject was hopped… up… on… something…. Well, you get the idea.