She Needs to Get The Clap

So the president did his State of the Union thingy a few nights ago. I started to watch it because I felt in this dire age one should know what the guy who could potentially kill the world has to say. But, about a half hour into it, I began to channel surf. It wasn’t because it was a redo of last years essay. It wasn’t because it was a media circus. It wasn’t even because I was tired as all hell and needed sleep. It was because of one person – Hillary Clinton.

Every five seconds the camera turned to her to gage her reactions. She sat there stiffer than usual, literally sitting on her hands showing no solidarity and no intention of ever playing nice. She sat there and grimaced at the fact that Iraq had elections, that there are planned healthcare reform and all the other things any person with forward thinking should be happy about. I’m sure she would have remained ridged even if Bush proclaimed free kittens for all. And why? Partisanship!

So for this I bestow the coveted Kick in The Shin Award.

Hillary Clinton, you embody everything that is going wrong in United States politics by not doing your part to heal the rift between the red and the blue. You and your ilk think you’re the only ones who could possibly be correct and therefore refuse to budge even when the other side has a neat idea. That’s not how politics work.

You’ve got to nod your head and contribute - butting into the act and ultimately taking over. This thing of working on your own and trying to pass it into a legislature full of strangers will get you nowhere – fast. On second thought, keep doing what your doing Mrs. Clinton. We don’t need your brand of “ideas” seeping into the landscape.

However, for all the rest of you out there who do have good plans for the future, don’t follow Clinton’s separatist example. Cheer the good ideas when they come up because they don’t come often.

Bolthouse Farms’ Green Goodness

So it’s been my intent to get into shape… take my vitamins, say my prayers, and believe in the power of Hulkamania, yadda yadda yadda. So when I came across “All natural… Packed with Phytonutrients [whatever they may be]…” Green Goodness, I figured hey this has got to be good for me. It’s got good in it’s title for Pete’s sake!

I mean look at all the ingredients - Apple juice, pinapple juice, mango puree, banan puree, kiwi juice, open cell chlorella [?], lime juice, broccoli, grean tea [always good], spinach, [this is a drink mind you], two types of grass, and whatever else the green grocer had at the time…

It has to be good for you.

But then I remembered that if it’s good for you it’ll taste like crap, Bingo. Every single ingredient is present in this “beverage’s” taste, like some machination from Wonka’s chocolate factory (but bad!). Even worse is the fact that all these flavors have a royal rumble over who is supreme, causing quite a bit of indigestion as your stomach is used as a turnbuckle. The winner then repeats on you… it was a tie between the mango and pinapple.

Anyway, don’t bother with this stuff. It’s a lot safer and more satisfying to eat the ingredients individually than to drink this soup.

Hi Hi Puffy Ami Yumi

The Synopsis

What do you get when you cross Josie and the Pussycats (the cartoon), the Banana Splits and a bucket of sugarcoated sushi? Why Hi Hi Puffy Ami Yumi of course….

The Cartoon Network show follows the mythical exploits of the all too real J-Pop stars Puffy (known here as Puffy Ami Yumi because they’re being sued by Sean Combs). They may be best known for their other work on CN, notably the Teen Titans and Powerpuff Girls theme songs.

The Execution

Hi Hi Puffy Ami Yumi works in a way just because it’s nothing new. It is your classic Laverne and Shirley / Odd Couple buddy show - Ami is a sickly sweet ninny and Yumi is a hard rocking punk ass; and for good measure they throw in Kaz, their third wheel of a manager.

The plots are culled from the rich history of the sitcom world - from duplicate robots to working in a taffy factory. Though they do throw in a few Japanese exclamations and phrases just to keep it fresh.

Hi Hi always starts of with a live action sequence starring the actual Ami and the actual Yumi, who do random things on a messy sound stage - like knock over a the camera or have a staring contest… fun fun.

The animation isn’t all that bad despite it being FLASH [ON TV!!!]. Ahem… sorry. It’s actually very stylized and charming in a way - a little bit anime, a little bit children’s storybook.

The Verdict

Despite it’s everything we’ve seen before, it does manage to get a chuckle. So I’m going to give it a 4 leaning more towards 3.5 - not bad, but not great. If there’s nothing else on Hi Hi Puffy Ami Yumi will keep you amused, however it’s not something you’d schedule your week around.

If nothing else it introduces the concept of J-Pop and J-Rock to the mainstream of the United States.

An Open Letter. . .

To the crone who humiliated me on the cash register the other night,

A little exposition first: the last night I was working in no man’s land aka the back register when a woman entered asking for a type of highlighter with an attached sticky note dispenser. I pointed out the writing utensil aisle (which is clearly marked) and said “If we have them it’d be there…”

To which she replied, “If? IF? IF!! You would never work in my store with attitude like that…” as she crept menacingly toward me. She, and her 7-person entourage, turned and went to find the offending pen. She then had the audacity to come back to my register and continue to berate me (including deeming me incompetent and lazy because I did not go and get the pen for her) as she handed me a $50 for the 2 dollar instrument, and hold up the line of customers who were now looking at me with undue disdain.

Unfortunately I am not allowed to properly correct customers when needed and could only stand and take it, holding back my tears and propping up my self under during the ensuing wave of weakness. Knowing now who she is and what store she manages I unleash my catharsis to the world and hope that someone in “her store” sees this and brings it to her attention.

Ahem…

Madam, allow me to direct your attention to “your store”… a mobile phone store that I would say is only about 30sq. ft. Your staff, which I feel extremely sorry for, only has phones to deal with. Phones and only phones to the left, right and all around. I on the other hand am new in a 2000 sq. ft. warehouse with over 10,000 different doodads to remember and direct people like you and your gang to.

As for me getting your pen for you… I am on the register and cannot leave my post. Besides, this is an office supply store, not a deli counter! We do not serve our products. I am sorry if you can’t walk two aisles but its not my fault someone splashed water on your legs causing them to melt.

I’d then hit her with a rather larger mallet and high tail it to some country with no extradition laws.

The Penitent Retailer

At last I am employed. Employed somewhere where I didn’t get the job defaulted to me because of kin. I am now… in retail. The commercial world. And in an office supply chain, capitalism is definitely the motto.

I will, eventually, be working in the desktop publishing center where my skills can finally be realized and honed to their full potential. However, first I must train normally in all areas of the store. Day one - I trained on register… and learned the true meaning of karma.

For years I carried little to no change. I could not be bothered where a bill will do the same task. Now I know what hell I put cashiers through… having them sling the change after my 10s and 20s for a $2.34 item. It’s rough what with a backed up horde of consumers chomping at the bit over the newbie at the wheel.

Not only did I do them a disservice all those years but to myself as well. Year of not bothering with coin has left me a mathematical cripple unable to count out the simplest of change. To those of you not yet employed I say, “Use exact change only.” Else it will bite you in the ass later!

And on day two I was let loose on the aisles and at the counters to learn how to help wayward customers… And again I learned the true meaning of karma. I am now the dear in the headlights associate I once cursed because they did not know what I was talking about… I am now that which drove me up the wall - a man paid a good wage to act dim.

In my Maintenance days, I could spot an M&M in a grassy field 30 yards away… now I can’t find a printer staring me in the face. I am humbled.

If I failed to clean that candy, at least there would be a ton more garbage to conceal it the next day. Now there is no such leeway as every sale counts - quotas to be met and an image to maintain.

When I began Maintenance I was trained in the downtimes at a pace I could stand at an age where skill came with ease. I am older now and trained in live combat - real customers, real documents - do it and don’t mess it up ’cause there is no do over.

I am intimidated.

Will I prevail…? most assuredly so. It is my nature. But now, as day three looms, I repent all the bad things I said about retail drones, all the items I left out of place, and all the exact change I could have counted but didn’t. I feel your pain and I am sorry.

(Now maybe this karma crap will go away and I can get on with my life!!!)

The Boer War

Break Down

Those crazy British are at it again, this time fighting Dutch farmers (Boers) in South Africa at the turn of the last century. The concept was complete Anglo supremacy in South Africa (by creating a British-run super state) to ensure a safe rout between England and India. Unfortunately for the British, all the military masterminds were busy shooting at them. However, as Stalin once of observed, quantity has a quality all its own. And that’s just what the British had - a crap ton more troops than the Boer Republics could hope to muster. The book ends in the 1970s when Black liberationists were beginning to not only militarize but also mobilize.

Ratings and Rantings

Not to give anything away, but the ending is quite bitter, not only for the English and Dutch, but even more so for the Africans. That said, the book is quite engaging and riveting. The chapters flow very quickly once you get past the first two. The battles are vividly described and Mr. Pakenham even manages to dig up old vets some 80 years after the close of the war. Definitely a must read. Final score: 6.

Bubba Ho-Tep

Run Down and Ritualistic Sacrifices

Is Elvis dead, or is he some geriatric geezer in a dilapidated East Texas nursing home? Why does Ossie Davis think he’s JFK? There’s no clear answers to any of the questions posed either here or in the movie. What is clear is that two octogenarians with the assumed personalities of Elvis and JFK, respectively are facing off against some unnamed Egyptian mummy in cowboy attire with the munchies for people’s souls. If you know anything about Bruce Campbell (Evil Dead, Evil Dead 2, Army of Darkness), you know that there’s laughs to be had. And indeed there are, as well as a lot of drama and some horror.

Ratings and Rantings

As I said Bubba Ho-Tep combines comedy, horror and drama all in one rather off-beat Indy film. It’s not a laugh a minute romp, like Army of Darkness, nor is it some spine tingling horror thriller, like the Golden Girls (that’s some sarcasm right there, for you folks.) Anyhoo, there’s plenty of each for the viewer and I found it quite refreshing from the textbook crap Hollywood continues to ooze out. Final score: 6.

Those Darn Celebrities

Wardrobe Malfunction (wôrd’rõb’ mal’fungk’shehn) - Media Buzz Phrase - n. 1. A controversy involving celebrities in relation to what they do with their attire, which kicks off the coming year. 2. A distraction from world events that could really need examining, e.g. a meteor the size of god plummeting towards the crust of the Earth. [< OE Geteth Realeth]

Ok, I get it now. From here to kingdom come we’re going to make a big(er) to do over people’s dress, lack of it, or what they do or don’t do to it.

Let’s begin with Randy Moss, the Viking, who a few weeks ago attempted to moon Green Bay’s fans, but missed his waist band. He’s been fined, suspended and had his cookie privileges taken away because he pretended to befoul the eyes of rowdy rival fans - who actually do wave their private bits, Braveheart style, at the loosing team’s bus after the game.

Picture that for a moment… hundreds of drunken Wisconsin football fans, lined abreast, pants down in -100 degree weather… I’ll wait till you return from vomiting… And all Moss did was mock them, thankfully with pants on. I ask you - who needs to be hit with a hammer here?

Granted, Moss is a grade-A jerk… but you finally decide to punish him, after all these years, for the most harmless of his stunts? That’s like still just charging Al Capone with tax evasion even if you had his signed confession, 30 hours incriminating of HD video, and all his victims risen from the grave pointing their rotted fingers at him!

Perspective… it’s what’s for dinner.

On to across the pond where bonnie Prince Harry has faux pas’d himself into a bit of a sticky wicket [wot wot]. Apparently he went to a costume party dressed as a monster… well, Nazi. Same difference.

Now, it’s one thing to go out for a Sunday goose-step in Hyde Park decked out in swastikas and reeking with Eau D’burning Books; it’s something else entirely to go to private FANCY DRESS party in a suit of tan pajamas with a single armband. We’re not talking about Harry invoking the 27th Reich here, just out to a party in a scary costume.

Do we lambaste people dressed like Genghis Kahn or Attila the Hun? They set back the populations of continents in greater proportions, yet we look upon them with awe. (Not that I’m saying we need get nostalgic for Adolph.) We don’t even lambaste regular people for dressing like Nazis (in relation to just costume parties). If we did you couldn’t go to the local costume shop and buy the bleedin’ costume.

“But he’s the prince! [cower in reverence] and he should be analyzed to death and his life gone over with a fine toothed chainsaw.” Be serious! The lad apologized and that’s the end of it.

Everyone repeat after me - If it weren’t for the press, it’d all go away.

Pine Terry Salad

Well, tha holidays ‘ave come ‘n’ gone. An’ wouldncha know at, I gained a few pounds ’round tha ol’ kilt. So I’ve been put on a diet, yeah? But ets nay so bad, ay? Neh bad.

An’ to ‘elp out all ye who’ve eaten a wee too much haggis thas season, I’ve come up with a tasty salad. Ets the “Pine Terry Salad,” named after the bloody geet who kissed me under tha missle toe, then mysteriously lost his lips!

Nay, jest foolin’, yeah? It’s a terribly unoriginal name made up of the fixins in this rabbit patch.

Ingredients:

• Romaine lettuce
• Garlic & Butter Croutons
• Italian Dressing
• Teriyaki Sauce
• Pineapple Rings

Ok, be taking yer lettuce - about two leaves if ets a new stalk, three er four eff ets gettin’ twords tha center - an’ break et up in yer bowl.

Next, add yer croutons te tha mix, yeah? I’ve been using garlic & butter flavor ’cause’in they ‘ave taste to ‘em. But ye can use anythin’ yer lil heart desires. But then, it’d be yer salad recipe, wouldn’at? And ets my show, in’it? So use the garlic, yeah?

After using a generous halping of GARLAC croutons, coat the top with Italian dressing. The give the whole thing a sprinkle with teriaki sauce. Just a dash will do for most, but you more adventurous people would be wantin’ more.

Finally, add yer pinapple. Cut up a ring to a ring and a half into yer bowl. Dun place the whole ring on top like our daft photographer thar ay? He’s says ets for atmosphere, I said ets for eatin’ yeah? Tch, artists!

Anyways, mix tha thang up an’ eat. Ats a salad fer god’s sake, ets nay that hard, yeah?

Thas is Martin Stuart sayin’ - Good eatin’ an’ KEEP YER MITS OFF ME KNIFE, YA GIT!

Dreaming of 2005

I was going to look back at the year we just left, but as I reviewed my notes I realized it would be too great of an ordeal… Let the past go I always say; that is, if the year happened to be 2004.

It began with a boob and ended with a bang…. I don’t know if the tsunami was a symbolic year-in-review or an omen of the year to come. I hope the prior, but most news-casting psychics seem to believe that 2005 is going to be a lulu. They saw the tsunami coming, so I tend to believe them.

Here’s what I see: more of the same. That’s not to say the status quo. No, I see an escalation of more of the same. Double the Red v. Blue issues with triple the coverage by more slanted media outfits. That is until aliens make themselves known in a major way and we have Green issues to contend with.

I see various sects of people (notably in Texas and Alabama) joining together and rejecting anything invented or produced by non-whites and/or non-straights a lá the Amish v. electricity. I also see a grand celebration soon after as those sects die off because it’s impossible to survive without all that stuff.

I see that the seesaw battle that is health care will transform into a tilt-a-whirl that’ll stop only when everyone gets sick all at once. It won’t be that the medical firms will drop price; rather, there’ll just be no one left to complain about the bills.

I see the networks making derivatives of each other’s reality shows until by the end of the summer there will be 23 stations all showing the 24/7 life and times of a pizza maker from Topeka named Argyle.

I see that whatever universal force you may believe in is going to get more wrathful and is going to be a real pain in the ass.

But I also see some hope… insurgents will walk away mumbling, “well, we tried eh?” Kim Jung Ill will hatch his latest crazy scheme and launch the entire landmass of North Korea into space in competition with NASA. The extremists of the world will simultaneously loose the sticks from their asses and fall down laughing as they finally get “why the chicken cross the road.” Last but certainly not least, the sun will go nova… oh wait I’m reading from the 2006 sheet, may bad.

Nope, no hope this year I’m afraid. Really afraid.

Next Page »