The Village

OH GOD THE PAIN!

The trailers for this movie had me all worked up and ready for grotesque tail about evil little things that went around eating people and the inevitable war that would engulf all the residents of some Victorian village. Well, when you get into it, you find out that on the surface there appears to be some truce between these local residents (villagers, you might call them) and rather large werewolf like things which live in the surrounding woods. So long as no one ventures into the woods, and the occasional meat sacrifice is given the monsters are happy to leave everyone alone.

But, oh no, we couldn’t leave well enough alone could we? This story goes on to prove that the only monsters in life are the ones we share a cup of coffee with on the way to work. Apparently (and no I don’t feel the least bit bad about giving the entire story away) the village elders are all 20th century types that lost loved one in the big cities because people are inherently violent and homicidal. They decided to set up a old timey village in the middle of a game preserve to keep themselves free of violence and the horrors of the modern era… of course they also deprived themselves of the medicines of the modern era and buried plenty of their friends and family because of that little over sight.

Anyhow they all find out the hard way that you can take the man out of the violence ridden modern era, but you can’t take the violence out of the man. They’re forced to reconsider their place in life and ultimately their little project collapses, much like the plot of this film.

Crimes Against Cinema and the Public

That is exactly what this damned thing is, a crime against cinema and the public. I don’t care who liked it or how much, it plain sucked. In fact it sucked on such a wide variety of planes, I’m not going to give a thorough break down, I’m going to skip straight to the sentencing.

It gets a 2 out of 6. I’d rather watch it than most of the horse shit I’ve had to wade through for these badness report reviews, but for its horrifying let down after a good build up, I’m docking points – as many as I can.

Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle

High Times and Highlights

John Cho (American Pie series) and Kal Penn (National Lampoon’s Van Wilder) return as two stoners in search of the American Dream and hamburgers. Kal Penn is Kumar, a slacker hippy type that’s avoiding med school in pursuit of a good time. John Cho is Harold a corporate slave and uptight closet smoker seeking the Spanish chick down the hall and perhaps some peace and quiet.

After a hard day they decide to light up, laugh at obnoxious anti-drug commercials and chill… until of course the munchies arise. Then they set out on a quest all over New Jersey in pursuit of what they crave: White Castle and lots of it.

Ratings and Rantings

Seldom does one find a comedy with so clearly a dumb name but so many laughs to be had. Truly every single skit in every scene of the movie was over loaded with comedy. Here’s to future sequels: Harry and Kumar get a 6.

Good News For People Who Like Bad News

I only heard of Modest Mouse recently, much like most of America I’m sure. They’ve been around for some time and making at least ten albums; however, they traveled the independent circuit thrusting them into underground obscurity. It’s a shame really, because if Good News For People Who Love Bad News is any example of Modest Mouse’s talent, well let’s just say they’re going to be huge now that they’ve surfaced in the mainstream.

GNFPWLBN I feel is an album that will stand the test of time. It’s an eclectic mix of instruments (one being Isaac Brock’s vocals) playing second to incredible/intelligent lyrics of anger (somewhat), ironies, and all sorts of stuff like that there. But, as the most recognized song Float On implies, it’s going to be ok eventually.

I’m going to go out and get more Modest Mouse thanks to this album. Maybe then I can do a better review armed with more knowledge of the band. But based upon just knowing GNFPWLBN and the climate of music today – it gets an easy 6.

Headphonability, or will it make your ears bleed when applied point blank – It gets a unumerated score of good. There’s a lot of subtlety here by way of voices and sound effects. Only problem is that it’s engineered a bit too well – the shouting people will cause you look around to see if someone is talking to you.

Travelicity, (not to be confused with the website owned by a gnome) or can you move to it? – Eh, it’s not road music. Good News For People Who Like Bad News is more of a have in on the stereo whilst you work… I think if facilitates creativity more than a constant sound to work out to or get you where your going.

Replayability, or if your trapped on a deserted island will you go nuts with just this – Probably you would. There are a lot of songs on this album that will get trapped in your noggin, so be careful when repeating this en masse. Even the greats like ELO and the Beatles can get tiresome if over saturated.

• The World At Large – 30sec 16kbps stream
• Bury Me With It – 30sec 16kbps stream
• The Devil’s Workday – 30sec 16kbps stream
• Satin In A Coffin – 30sec 16kbps stream

Pompeii: The Last Day

A few months ago I watched the Discovery Channel’s documentary on the Bermuda Triangle and wan not impressed. I hoped it was a one shot blah but after watching Pompeii: The Last Day, I can see it’s a trend.

The “documentary” focuses on the day that Vesuvius blew its top in 79AD… obviously. However it was shot primarily in a “cinematic” style as select victims’ last hours were sappily dramatized. These vignettes were obviously theoretically based upon the now famous death casts molds formed from the hot ash incinerating the Pompeians.

This lasted for an hour and half doing little more than making us feel bad that these people were smushed by tons pumice – except for that one dude, he was a real cad. I’m glad he ate it in the end. But anyway…

Yes an hour and half devoted to everything we learned in 5 minutes of history class and 3 of geology 101.

The last half hour was devoted to what would happen if Vesuvius did it again… or rather when. We’re apparently due for another cataclysmic eruption. If it were to happen again it seems that, based upon the Italians they interviews, they’d just stare at it and die like the original Pompeians.

The what if segment should have been left to it’s own special because it A) clashed with the feel of the first part and B) reiterated every detail of the first segment as it they never met each other.

The people of Pompeii were a unique subculture and I guess I was kind of hoping this thing would have covered more of the daily life leading up to the eruption. The closest The Last Day came was revealing that they washed their clothes in piss.

Wait for the History Channel to do a documentary on Pompeii, it’ll be a thousand times better. They’re devoted to this type of thing where as Discovery is slowly descending into the all-gear-head-network and obviously has lost touch with the past.

He loved Big Brother

So some guy was on the morning shows peddling some book about how we’re always being watched and how this is a bad thing. Store cameras and police surveillance are keeping a watchful eye on us and it’s estimated we’re all filmed about 70 times a day. Well, not all of us… them shut-ins with the foil hats rocking back and forth in the butt-shaped depression of their 1972 model leather sofa never get their “souls caught…”

It seems people don’t like cameras trained on them tracking their every move. I mean these cameras are a menace! Before the digital age no one was ever seen in public! Right? Right…?!

If I were the average skeptic, I’d be worried about the people around me than the cameras protecting me. But a skeptic wouldn’t agree… people are good and don’t need their privacy invaded. If people are so good, it wouldn’t matter what the camera saw… would it?

The argument against the so-called “Big Brother realized” is very lopsided. I never hear the authorities’ side of the issue because the media (the other watchful eye), if they presented it, would loose a portion of their “Mean World” demographic. That or the authorities are waiting to make the all-pervasive system and the worry about the whys later.

So, on their behalf, allow me to ring up this scenario:

It’s the not too distant future. A ten-year-old girl has gone missing. The parents go to the police, who fire up the computers. Their biometrics database happens to have her facial features on record. They do a search for her last known whereabouts, which was on the playground. Watching the video taken of said playground, they see a dirty man come up and grab her. His facial features are in the database too, as well as fingerprints and DNA samples because he is a lowlife sex offender. They look for his last known whereabouts, which is not transmitted by cameras, but by the chip in the base of his neck. He’s enjoying a latte at a coffee bar.

This dirt bag gets arrested but won’t talk. They police dig deeper and backtrack the video footage of him from the coffee bar… the bodega… the cleaners… the ramshackled apartment building. A door-to-door search reveals his lair and the girl is, thankfully, found alive.

Of course this future society and its laws aren’t in sync… much like today. Upon trial the lawyer cries civil rights abuse and the liberal jury bites. He’s free and does it again… but the ten-year-old girl is safe at least, and the next victim will probably be found too.

You see the good of the many has to outweigh the cries of the few who are afraid of people seeing what their not supposed to be doing. You can naysay now, but don’t expect a lot of help when you need it and the police have their hands tied just because rapists and murderers have feelings too!