Fooled Moon

Dear Mr. Eccentric,

Is it true that the moon landing was done in a Hollywood studio like some people keep telling me it was, or did it really happen like I think?

Sincerely,
Curious in California

Dear Mr.Curok,

Ah, how politicals illicit such intrigue in our lives. It is a good thing, Kurki, that you forwarded this question to, the all knowing, classified document stealing, purveyor of Persephones… wait is that right?

Down to business. Really kibbers, it all depends on which moon landing/invasion/conquest you’re talking about. The publicized one of 1969 was an obvious forgery – shot not only in Hollywood, but also in a down town London studio and in a secret base in West Berlin. The real landing took place in 1746; and, actually, you’re all the better for it. What you’ve been taught to identify as the moon and Mars, are actually the two launch pads the last hope of our dying solar system used to invade and conquer what you know as earth but what is in fact the moon.

You see, the hated Rubber Duckie Brigade was rending the 14 other planets in this solar system limb from limb over an offensive body oder no one would ‘man up’ to. After the fall of Mars, or rather the Planet of Germany, there was little hope left for anyone. So, they boarded up on their bath-time funmobiles and jetted over to the moon. The original inhabitants were of course slaughtered with what is still the most state-of-the-art military armament in the universe, the matchlock musket.

However hey have not been eradicated entirely. Now they live in the supposedly “lava filled” core of the moon/new earth. They have really no way of waging war other then the proliferation of house cats and natural disasters, however we’ve been jamming their control with both disastrous results for both them and us.

And so, there you am, Lindsay Martin of LA, CA. Yes we did land, but it was not on the moon you thought.

Combating the Hordes

or Further Tales of Poor Customer Service

or or Which is worse: The Deal Hunters or Deal Makers?

The Deal Hunters:

At work I wear tan pants, a navy blue shirt and a radio on my belt with a speaker welded to my ear. I carry around a large black plastic label gun and what amounts to a tricorder. I can be found quite often either by a register or sitting on the floor mid aisle, labeling various items with said gun. Ten other folk in the building wear and do the same. The tan and blue – not a fashion statement; the labeling of products – not a cult ceremony.

So when people come up to me and ask “do you work here,” I take it as a signal for the gloves to come off!

On such an occasion the opposite extreme was reached as a woman forwent the pleasantries of asking me if I worked here, and apparently assumed I was the CEO. She was outraged at how I, me, could charge eight bucks for a pack of 100 sheet protectors. As said product was waved in my face, I skillfully shot it with my tricorder; to which the price came up as $9.42.

Oddly enough this did not assuage her, and her outrage continued. “How can that be? That’s ridiculous. Something should be done. Why are you [me], so outrageously expensive?”

Now, a few roads can be taken here. The high roads include ignoring her, referral to customer service or calling a manager, However, since I was sitting on the floor and only the low road options were reachable – leg sweep (no); reminding her she needn’t buy it (no); or: I explain that we are living in a petroleum based society rapidly loosing it’s resources. The plastic sheet protectors are merely a product of it and the price a product of manufactured shortages created by oil companies getting rich off the whole thing (YES!). She left me alone after that.

Another day, after confirming employment he asked “what was our best deal?” “Well, what are you looking for?” “I just said, the best deal!” Knowing what he was consumed by blind consumerism, I played dumb. “Well, it all depends on what you’re in the market for, sir. Printer? Ram?” Turning a bit red, he proclaimed “look, bud, how much of a discount you guys giving around here?”

I just pointed to the sign above my head facing him, the sign above his head facing me and the double sided signs taped to the glass doors (which one can only assume he used) reading 20-40%.

He was suffering from buyers bloodlust. It’s frenzied shopping brought on by quoteunquote deals. It causes the consumer to put things in their basket that they would never have otherwise, just because its a good price – like 3 year old laser toner. One such consumer decided we were all “fuck heads and scammers” because she a) bought a pack of pens she didn’t need and b) didn’t read the rather large black and yellow “no returns” signs that swarm the place like angry bees. “This is why your going out of business,” she yelled as she kicked the doors on her way out.

If only she had the common courtesy of just chucking the pens in the garbage, like some dude did to his $50 label maker when we informed him about our obscure little return policy. The receipt went with it in the can, and we’ve not heard from him since.

So, it was resold… opened, with no further discounts. This leads to the other faction.

The Deal Makers

You know things are bad when the liquidator – the dude in charge of selling off your excess crap, I mean, merchandise – heads over to the competitor for pricing labels because they are cheaper there even after our 30% discount! And they wonder why OfficeMax is downsizing?!

I am convinced that the guy in charge of this clearance circus is from some odd part of Canada where they replace their “eh?s” with “shoppers.” Every time this dipstick gets on the intercom with his “amazing savings” announcements, its “shoppers, we have some amazing deals for you shoppers! Everything is 20-40% off shoppers, shoppers, you cant pass this up. I was looking around shoppers…” You get the shoppers drift…shoppers.

Come on man, “Ladies and Gentlemen” never hurts, ya know. I mean, the consumer may be cattle, but they have feelings too and will graze better if they were treated with respect.

Not that I can respect some of these lunatics. You can rub two sticks together and generate more compassion than I have for some of these scavengers (who’ve never set foot in, let alone heard of, OfficeMax till this event), but enough is too much.

We have a cage in the back where all the broken and returned stuff goes. First, he sold the cage. Then he tells us to put the junk back on the shelf. It nearly took an act of congress to put warning stickers on them. Even then they merely read “previously returned.”

Vague much?

He’s selling non-functional display PDA’s, non-lockable safe displays (no keys, no combo, best of luck to you), the unused toilet paper from the back, the hand carts and pallet jacks (so now we can’t move furniture all too well), the large CopyMax and FurnitureMax signs (we’re talking 5 foot letters), and a cardboard cutout of the Rubberband man.

They estimated 8 weeks of this nonsense. It’s been 3 so far. I looked for a job for 2 years… I no longer want it, thank you.

A Dindin Din

Ah, hello there. Allow me to introduce yourself to myself. For legal purposes you cannot possibly fathom, my name is Mr. Eccentric, and I am the problem to all your answers… wait, what?

I am the resident advice columnist for the New World Otter. It is here that I will provide answers to all your burning questions about anything at all. Think of me as Dear Whats-her-face – only a guy and minus the straight jacket.

That over with, let’s get to the inaugural question:

Dear Mr. Eccentric,

Help! My boss just invited herself and 30 of our colleagues to my house for dinner. I don’t know what to make. What do you recommend?

“Hungry For Knowledge,”
Eaton, Co

Quite the conundrum. Thankfully this is my area of expertise. I was a mess tent commander during the invasion of Lichtenstein in 1992. Don’t bother to look it up, it’s classified.

What you need is a meal that can feed an army in a short amount of time. You need lasagna. If you’ve not heard of this rare delicacy, its a pasta/cheese/meat dish developed by the British in the 14^th century, and claimed by the Italians soon after. They had a cannon and a flag, so there was no arguments.

Anyway, prepared correctly, a 12in x12in pan can feed half the subcontinent of India; if you have garlic bread, the whole shebang will eat.

Normally, ready made pasta will work. However, this is your boss and only scratch made will make an impression, to be sure. So you need to go out and get your first ingredients – eggs, water and fiberglass.

Fiberglass, I’ve found, is a versatile food stuff. It’s everywhere you look these days, and when prepared can be banged into that signature wavy shape that lasagna layers have. Wet noodles will loose their shape because they have the durability of, well, wet noodles. It’s all in the presentation you see.

Next you need a sauce. No jar stuff for you. You’ll need two bottles of ketchup, vinegar, and 32 bulbs of garlic (to mask the fiberglass aftertaste). Place the bottles of ketchup into boiling water overnight so that the contents leech gradually into the mix. Add the vinegar and crushed garlic (not whole, because thats just disgusting) the next day and let reduce to a thick paste. Add salt to taste.

Finally… cheese. Not one, but two types – any will do; and a lot of it, because you’ll need something to block up the colon to prevent diarrhea.

Layer it all into the pan and bake for 10 minutes. Then presto, a meal for fit for a queen!

With any luck, the meal will end in trip to the hospital for your co-workers and a pink slip for you, because you really shouldn’t be working for someone who invites the entire office to your house for dinner!

Great question, Alicia Ingles of 111 Wilbur Rd. Remember readers, you can submit your questions in total anonymity via the NWOt forums, or emailing somebody connected to the site. It’ll get to me eventually.

Lord of War

A New Nicholas Cage?

I’ve seen a good number of Nicholas Cage’s films in my day, most left me wondering exactly who in their right mind would cough up 10 cents to produce those stinkers. There were exceptions, of course; “Con Air” comes to mind, as does “Gone in 60 Seconds” but most were just crap. So when “Lord of War” started getting hyped all over creation, I was curious, but not curiuos enough to waste time at the theater. I rented it the other day and was, well, pleasantly surprized. I can think of few other actors who could play the leading role as well as Cage did. Maybe Johnny Depp and Sidney Greenstreet being a ouple of that handful of exceptions. This leads to the title question are we witnessing a new Nicholas Cage? A Cage with more refined acting skills, or, like France, is there worse yet to come?

The story is simple: Nicholas Cage is an Americanized Ukrainian that goes out of his families resteraunt business and into imports and exports…of arms and munitions. No, Cage doesn’t stop at your mere AK-47/RPG/M-60. No Russian tanks, heicopters and pretty much anything else you can use to slaughter your neighbor and eat his kids can be found at his traveling emporium. Ethan Hawk is the federal agent whose sole mission in life is to run all over the planet trying to nail Cage for arms running. Throw in a coke snorting brother, a couple of Ukrainian parents for comic relief, a wife and a kid, the entire third world (including Russia), a few well known dictators, regional conflicts, and enough conventional weapons to slow even me down and you’re staring “Lord of War” dead in the eye.

Ratings and Rantings

Nicholas Cage has definitely prefected his dry, somewhat sardonic sense of humor for this role and considering the tone and flow of the movie, it jives more than the Bee Gees. However, whether this is good or bad, there is an underlying message to this film. It’s fairly obvious in several of the speeches Ethen Hawk gives and many of the events which take place throughout the film. Personally, I think the movie could have stood alone without getting preachy, but nonetheless, it does make for a good story and a relatively good message.

the first half of the film is basically Cage’s eary days getting started funding massacres and meeting/marrying his wife. For the most part this part of the movie is light hearted, and semi-Thompsonesque. But the secod half of the film shifts gears and starts down the preachy road of being poignent. This is a road I usually dislike this road and where it leads, but for this film I’m willing not to dock it too many points mainly because it makes it without sacraficing the entire film. the only other real downer of the film is the part which show Cage at home with his family. These aren’t particularly bad scenes, however they’re the equivalent of driving at around 140MPH then suddenly and abruptly slamming on the breaks and applying the e-break. They tend to be very slow and sort of screw up the overall rythm of the film.

Anyhow, the movie is well worth the time in front of the tube, so I’m going to give it a 4 1/2 out of a possible 6, 1 1/2 points docked for the reasons mentioned.

The Constant Gardner

The Constant Gardner: Or Convoluted Plots and Non-sequential Story Lines Aren’t Just For Quentin Tarantino Anymore!

By Ray Macula

Not Something To Watch On A Mixture Of Alcohol And Pain Relievers

No, No. I know what you’re thinking, but no I was completely sober when I watched it. Promise. However, I thought I’d put up that title as a general warning to you, my target audience, as the plot is about as convoluted as Howard Dean is nutty and story jumps around about as much as a Tarrintino film. Because of the sheer mental exercize it gives you as you attempt to piece together just what in the HELL is going on, I’m going to leave my description short and sweet…well, short anyway.

Some British Diplomat Guy (BDG) falls in love with and marries some British Lefty Activist Girl (BLAG) than gets transferred to Africa and she tags along. After a whole lot of seemingly high school drama b.s. and what appears to be tremendous infidelity on her part, she apparently dies from torture, rape, and murder, in that order, out in the middle of nowhere…I think it was in that order…

Anyways, instead of just figuring that she was an unfaithful bitch and got what she deserved at the hands of some outback thugs, he starts noticing that there are some serious weird things going on, most of which point to extreme cover up. And thus begins his journey into a very bizarr and highly thought provoking movie.

Ratings and Rantings

This movie is very intelligently done, and about as orthodox as a black white supremacist. As I’ve mentioned, how many time now? the story jumps around alot. It starts off just before the murder, then back tracks a little, then goes to body identification, then back tracks to the start. That’s the first 20 minutes. This is pretty much goes on all movie long, several times going back to the murder.

The plot doesn’t just have a twist, it has a highway of twists, turns and loops that resembles the California highway system. The whole time you get to sit there, take in the new information, and attempt to process it into soem sort of coherent plot. The out come wasn’t what I expected, but it did flow well, and although there are those who will not be happy with the ending, it does make sense.

On the NWOt Rating Scale it gets a 6 out of 6

Tales of Poor Customer Service

…or How Logic Confounds the Common Consumer

Some time ago I announced I was employed. And, for the past year, I have learned a new skill – holding my tongue. I had to hold my tongue about the buying public, and I had to hold my tongue about my corporate overlords.

Well, a year to the day I was hired, I found out that my store is closing. So, my restraining bolt has come off and I have decided to no longer be a loyal droid for the “good” people at Office Max, makers of the inane Rubberband Man and bone headed business decisions.

That day, my friend decided the same and as a result send some consumers home crying. Never one to be out done, I too wanted to make that a new sport. My first target – the inane consumer. They’re all over the place; the herd needs thinning.

It should be easier for me. I, unlike my fellow associates, have a more one to one dealing with customers over in the copy center. They need something, we discuss it, I make it so; all the while they’re chattering on in the background how I’m doing it wrong.

Let the Professional Do His Job

It was a half hour to closing. Business that day was bad (on par for a doomed store). Then, over the horizon, a pair of consumers charged my counter. They had… a photo. A grainy photo. A grainy photo printed from an inkjet. A grainy photo, printed from an inkjet, on gray copy paper. A grainy… well you get the idea. A SHIT PICTURE.

They explained to me with thick accents that this was a picture of their mother who just died (sob, sob). The wake was the next day and they would like it enlarged on nice paper. Still feeling a shred of compassion, I began to oblige.

However, there was on caveat. She was centered (grr) in the 4×6 picture, with apparently their entire neighborhood’s laundry in the background. “Could you crop it to just her?”

Thanks to the miracles of modern technocraft, push a button and a 4×6 is 11×17 in seconds. However, to do the same with a 1×1 requires a degree in mathematics and a leprechaun whizzing in the toner bottle. For you Xerox aficionados out there, we have a Doc12 without an editing panel – the equivalent to a monk with a pen.

So I do the print, which because of the 1×1 dimension and the fact the machine can only do 300% at most, is square and in the middle of the page. Consumer not happy. Being the fool I am, I explain the principles of proportion and aspect ratio. It’s hard enough to explain when they understand English, even worse when the only words they apparently know is “do it!”

I managed to savvy “well we can do it at home, so why can’t you.” The real answer – its a Doc12. The other real answer – you’re lying. My preferred simple answer – then go home. My actual answer, after getting pelted with the label “lazy American” – If it were at all possible to do it, don’t you think I would get it over with rather than take a half-hour of my life to explain why I can’t?!

One would think that grieving daughters, blasted by a simple copy-jockey, would break down into tears and call for a manager (which is cool, since they’re all fed up as well). However, there was comprehension in their eyes, thanked me and rather gleefully paid for their now very grainy, very gray yet glossy picture.

I’ll take it. Sure, it would have nice to ruin some rude consumers’ night and give them a nervous breakdown. But, spreading common sense has always been a goal of mine. Print-monkey: 1, Consumers: 0.