Who's god are you on anyhow?

Memorial is the most hallowed days on the United States calendar. On this day, we honor all those men and women – of any race, religion, credo, shoe size, etc – who served and died to protect our rights: life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.

And on this Memorial Day one group spat in the collective face of the est. 1,190,262 American souls killed in the various wars throughout the years¹, not to mention those of our allies. This group is the infamous Westboro Baptist Church of Topeka, Ka. I’ve linked to their entry on wikipedia, as it is a neutral site – to link to the hate mongering site of this organization is hereby forbidden on the pages of the NWOt (save once, maybe, in a future enemies page)!

Here’s why – their message is simple: God is slaughtering our soldiers in Iraq because the military allows gays and lesbians to fight for our country. (news article here).

Not only is this offensive, it is illogical on the most cosmic level.

First the offensive:

I’m not about to say you can’t say what you say, even though it reeks of badness and is evil in both the biblical and political sense of the word, but outside Arlington on Memorial Day is not the way to garner support for your “cause.” The only reason you can say what you say is because of those who reside in that cemetery. If you got to make a fuss take it elsewhere on some other day.

Second, the illogical:

1) Based upon your rhetoric, you a zealot lot. That means you believe your faith is the one true faith and all others are “of the devil.” Am I correct in assuming this, of course I am… don’t be silly now. You call yourselves “Christians.” And I’ll use the term loosely in this case.

2) The insurgents doing the killing are a zealot lot. That means they are they believe they are the avatars of god sent here to purge the world of the infidels. They call themselves “Muslims.” And again, I use the term loosely in this case.

3)Both of you believe they are acting on orders from your respective god.

4)Both of you believe the deaths of American troops are conveying your respective messages.

Now I know both Christians and Muslims come from the same God (read your bible). However, fundamentalists can’t have that; and indeed are so blind they can’t even see the previous statement…

So, in the eyes of a zealot, how can both gods be working on this case at the same time? They can’t. And since the insurgents are the dominant force in charge of killing American troops, it’s got to be their god doing the judging.

Ergo, WBC, you’re in cahoots with Allah! You’re cheerleaders for the insurgency. According to your own doctrines then, you all will burn in hell.

But then, that’s a given.

You guys can’t qualify as Christians, Muslims, or even members of the human race if you praise death and destruction (the WBC liked 9-11 too) and thirst for the bloodshed of innocence only to further your paranoid cause.

So, for desecrating the memories of those who went before you so you have the right to say what ever passes through your intestines, and for creating a moral paradox so powerful it could signal the end of days I bestow that bauble of bullshit, that trinket of tripe – The Kick in the Shin Award to:

Die Damen und Herren der Westboro Baptist “church” of Topeka, Ka. You make me sad.

It’s Plane to See

Dear Mr. Eccentric

Sir, you’ve got to help me. Right now I’m on a airplane headed to Australia. We left from Newark NJ and the captain said we’re currently just over Redding, PA. The problem is the child in the seat behind me has already begun the whole kicking the back of my seat thing and he looks like he’s had a few caffeinated beverages… I see no end in sight and no work getting done on this flight.

What should I do?
Rich and Flighty CEO
30,000ft, OH

Ah, the miracles of modern technology. Not only can you bug me from a 30 ton flying cigar tube traveling at supersonic speeds, but you can be bugged as well for hours on end – strapped to your doom with a hyperactive mite in the 3×3 open-lid coffin behind you..

This reminds me of my days working the old Northwestern Pacific Railroad Line. They had just installed one of those newfangled telegraph line thingys. Cripes almighty it was annoying. When it didn’t dotdotdot on about ladies corsets or the latest rhino horn, my co-engineer was busy dashing his girlfriend in Tulsa. “Get off the line you damn Irish,” I’d say… but he wouldn’t listen, what with the phonograph bell in his ear and all.

Anyhoo, the train got all robbed and whatnot one day. I tried to message ahead for help; but, when we got to our stop later on, I heard that there was a cow with a bucket on her udder sittin’ there on the tracks mooing in Morse code… so the locals burned her for being a witch, forgoing the desired help sending effect.

Things have progressed nicely since then, and luckily for you there were no unholy ducks with antennae to interrupt your email to me. Dang it.

So, to answer your question I quote an unruly mob… “JUMP! JUMP! JUMP!” It’s your only recourse. What you think is a vexatious child in the seat to your aft is actually a highly trained air marshal. It’s part of the FAA’s top-secret terrorist identification program. They figure any terrorist would never put up with the undisciplined antics of a spoiled American-pig-sloth child, and reveal themselves.

To beat his head with a shovel will only get you shot; to ask his mother to do something would offend her and get you maced or glared at by the collective unconscientious unconsciousness of the other bad parents on the plane. That causes cancer my friend.

The parachute’s by the door,
Mr. Eccentric.