A Cookie Question

Dear Mr. Eccentric

Me and some of my Navy buddies noticed something the other day. Major brand cookies, like Oreos for example, seem taste different from season to season, even pack to pack – like hard cream and crumbly cookies one day and gooey cream and rock hard cookies the next. Are we imagining things or do the recipes change for some reason.

Commodore De la Galleta, Ret.
U.S. Naval Station Rota, Spain

Dear Commodore,

You and your sweet eating swabbies can relax. You’re right, the recipes do change.

Now, the official story they’ll have you believe is that the taste differs slightly based upon manufacturing location – i.e. the whole hard water/soft water differential. They also will say that they change some ingredients based upon, as you said, the season – like additives to chocolate chips in the summer to prevent melting, and so forth.

However, that’s all a crock. The truth of the matter is there is only one manufacturing location… and it’s mobile. Well, they’re mobile at any rate. You see all major brand cookies are made by a large nomadic tribe called the al-Zulaabiyyah, who follow herds of the rare Double Humped Pastry Camel (Camelus Crustulum). That’s why they taste so good – because they’re all made by hand.

The tribesmen use the camels’ milk and a gluten made from the hooves as the base for their confections. The reason there’s a slight change in taste is the additional ingredients and preservatives used in cookie production. Being nomads, they use the resources of the land around them at the time. Camelus Crustulum‘s migratory pattern is vast (from North Eastern Latvia to Souther Saudi Arabia). As you can expect, bake shops and supermarkets vary from country to country so it’s not always possible to be consistent.

Thanks for you question sir, and keep snacking!

US's Next Move

World wars don’t begin with all the participants lined up like baseball teams waiting for the anthem to be over. I goes more along the lines of a bunch violently competitive golf matches build up at a tee waiting for someone dragging its feet ahead of them to finish the damn hole.

While they wait, introductions and wagers are made. The groups form alliances and a whole new completion arises. Add some idiots wanting to play through and zing – a world at war.

Right now we are at sitting at club house of Saint Andrew’s – the ultimate in golf… thingy. Ok, ok enough sports analogies already.

Look, World War II was two separate wars joined together – Hitler’s Lebensraum and Japan’s Asia for Asians (+ lets get china for ourselves) – on the loose principles of world domination and “hey, you’re afraid of the Sleeping Giant too?” Half of you are saying I’m over simplifying things and I say this isn’t a book, get over it. The other half are lost completely and I say you should have paid more attention to history 102.

Anyhoo, on this eve of destruction we have, so far, three non-wars ready to say hi to each other. Four if you count the pending Red/Blue civil war brewing here in the USA (you know it’s coming, but more on that some other time).

We’ve got: North Korea literally throwing rocks into Japan’s pool; India and Pakistan in a Mexican standoff, each ready to prove the merits of reincarnation; and of course Israel and Lebanon doing what they do best – kvtech violently. And thats just the world as of lunch.

Other players yet to be cast are of course Russia and China, though we kinda see by the highlighting in their scripts the parts they’re rehearsing for.

And then theres us.. US. We are where were were way back when… wondering what to do. Though,we were in a better position before WWI & II, what with our armies full-up and at home, and a better win loss record. Since WWII we’ve been 1-1-1.

So here’s what I think we need to do (as afar as the middle east is concerned)– stay out of it! For god’s sake keep our noses out!

What we know so far: the Hezbollah have openly hinted that Iran is the mastermind here. Lebanon’s strings are being pulled by Syria who’s funded by Iraq’s noisy neighbor.

Iran knows that we blindly back Israel at every turn and is banking on that. Since we’re already on the block, we’ll start using the troops in Iraq to bolster Israel. If we fall for this “cunning plan” Iran will just roll over Iraq like they’ve been wanting to for years… but for all the Saddam statues blocking the way.

We cannot afford to be lured out of position. A) We have all our chess pieces right next to Iran, which was the whole point. B) If Iran gets Iraq, the little headway of making a democracy we’ve made would be gone and 2,500+ troops dies in vain.

“But, but, but… Israel is out ally and was wronged!” I hear you scream. Yes I know Israel was wronged, and I feel for the families of those soldiers. I really do. However, let’s look at Israel’s response for a moment – 73 dead in Lebanon and a total military blockade? And they take this whole “stop hitting yourself” stance on the dead civilians – i.e we wouldn’t have killed them if you hadn’t shot back at us shooting at you.

“Nothing is safe in Lebanon” is not the response for 2 kidnapped soldiers! Not with a special forces outfit like Mossad in the arsenal. A midnight rescue raid would have done the trick. Now they’ve got a 2 front war and I have no sympathy anymore.

The Israelis fly off the handle at every turn and it gets them into so much trouble.
“Hey Israel, wanna go for a pizza?”
“A poison pizza? WAR!”

It’s gonna erupt in the states no matter what. Both Zionists and anti-Zionists have enough addle brained ammo to toss at each other as it is, let’s not add a government position into it as well. So, let us make it none of our business… at least until the air gets thick with half-life.