A Crappy Post

Today I am a plumber.

But not just any plumber… I am a vigilante plumber. The Phantom Plunger. I didn’t choose this life of clearing errant drains, it was thrust upon me out of desperation – for, no matter where I go there seems to be a jammed potty. A jammed potty that needs JUSTICE… or a good snaking. Read more

The Random Selections From the 1994 ed. of the QPB Dictionary of Difficult Words Printy

This puzzle has a difficulty level of WTF. Find the following selections from the 1994 ed. of the QPB Dictionary of Difficult Words: Read more

A Cure For Cabin Fever

Dr. Mr. Eccentric

I am currently laid up in bed with what is most likely this swine flu thing that’s been going around. I am going out of my mind with bordom; so much so that I… cleaned out my closet!

Well, long story short, I think I found a portal to another dimension! I’m dying to check it out, but is it such a good idea in my condition? Should I report it to someone? I’m soooo freakin’ bored!

-Manhattan Misery

Dear MM,

First of all, I hope to heck you didn’t lick the envelope before you sent this.

Secondly, this is an interesting scenario that leads to dire safety issues.

Chapter 3 in his book Dealing With Portals and Other Rifts in Space Time, Davis Blackmour, Qu.D. addresses what to do after initial discovery: “Rule one: When dealing with portals and other rifts in space time – DON’T JUST JUMP IN ALL ALICE LIKE! Alternate dimensions are not exact copies of our own, nor do geographic locations of portals coincide if they happened to be. In other words, just because you may have found a portal in an open field does not guarantee the same will be on the other side. You could pop out in the void of deep space; or worse, their equivalent of a Las Vegas wedding chapel.”

Words to live by.

Short story long – in your weakened health, bad things could go down depending on the other side. What you need to do is send a probe through first. Send a tethered camcorder – or better yet, your mother’s camcorder – in first to see what your dealing with.

Should you come across an agrarian society then stay out! The last thing you need is to go into a disease ridden land with a sub-par immune system. You’ll catch your death of plague! And worse, give it to all of us! Just go play some Warcraft, I understand it’s almost the same as the real thing.

Should you come across some shimmering Utopia, go right in. Most likely they’ve been sterile for centuries and have no natural immunities. We need to strike first. For if some deliriously fevered high-schooler could find a gateway, then sure shootin’ they’ve already found it and are gearing up for an invasion. Do us all a favor and save our universe. Please.

As for reporting it, I advise against it. Army form 775 stroke Z stroke 9G (“Release of Haunted Clothing Receptacles Request”) is a pain to fill out and your closet will be embroiled in red tape for years. My credenza is still in lockdown despite the capture of those… Things that leaped out that one rainy day.

Yeah, Don’t Quit Your Night Job…

My place of employment is in a unique position in this spiraling economy… we are desperate for new hires! I am not at liberty to mention where I work nor the geographic local it’s in. Suffice it to say if you come across a sun bleached, weather beaten, semi-laminated sign saying “We’re Hiring”, chances are you’ve found it.

Goodness knows its not for lack of warm bodies beating down our door. We average about seven applicants a day, and print out about 50 applications a week. So far, however, the warm body bit has been the only qualification these dregs have met (and some I doubt have that much going for them). Read more