Which Way to Oxford?

Dear Mr. Eccentric,

I’m a bachelor, 30 years of age, living in Burbank California. My nephew from a brother I’ve not spoken with for a good 12 years (out of his own volition) has phoned me. He’s 18 and wants to stay with me a while whilst searching out Californian colleges.

Yes, he’s blood, but do I have an obligation room and board the son of a man I barely know anymore?

Please advise,
Anonymous

Say, you aren’t the Anonymous are you? I mean, some of the world’s greatest prose came from some dude named Anonymous. And I must say, your note shows verbosity there Shakespeare.

Anyhoot, you want to know if you have to hole up this nephew of yours. The short answer is no. I mean, you got a deadbolt right? If you don’t, and live in Burbank, then you sir are a brave brave man.

But, I’ve never been one for short answers.

You don’t honestly think this kid is gonna travel all the way to scenic downtown Burbank to scout out colleges do you? I mean you got, what, a cosmetics school and piloting school without an airstrip?

No my friend, the tot’s got a script… and you’re in it. Think of it, a well written gentleman takes in his estranged nephew into his swanky bachelor pad filled with priceless heirlooms… the same heirlooms that split apart two brothers years ago because mom liked you best! The nephew attends the local community college and decides to make the arrangement permanent. He joins the basketball team, invites his new found teammates over for tea and crumpets and they manage to break every last chochkey (in hilarious fashion!). So, enlisting the help of the geeks in the chess / nuclear physics / renaissance actors guild, the lot of you go back in time to stop the the destruction. But, due to the over zealous nature of a rogue renaissance actor, you over shoot your target by 600 years and 5500 miles and you land in Merry Olde England, where you live out your days writing plays under a pseudonym.

It’s gold I tells ya! GOLD! Let the boy in. I’ll be your agent. We’ll call it “Which way to Oxford?” Alec Baldwin will play you, Liv Tyler can play him (re-write… hey, it happens). Think of the sequels! Call me. Your people and my people will do lunch while we’ll get some hookers. It’ll be a kick.

Fooled Moon

Dear Mr. Eccentric,

Is it true that the moon landing was done in a Hollywood studio like some people keep telling me it was, or did it really happen like I think?

Sincerely,
Curious in California

Dear Mr.Curok,

Ah, how politicals illicit such intrigue in our lives. It is a good thing, Kurki, that you forwarded this question to, the all knowing, classified document stealing, purveyor of Persephones… wait is that right?

Down to business. Really kibbers, it all depends on which moon landing/invasion/conquest you’re talking about. The publicized one of 1969 was an obvious forgery – shot not only in Hollywood, but also in a down town London studio and in a secret base in West Berlin. The real landing took place in 1746; and, actually, you’re all the better for it. What you’ve been taught to identify as the moon and Mars, are actually the two launch pads the last hope of our dying solar system used to invade and conquer what you know as earth but what is in fact the moon.

You see, the hated Rubber Duckie Brigade was rending the 14 other planets in this solar system limb from limb over an offensive body oder no one would ‘man up’ to. After the fall of Mars, or rather the Planet of Germany, there was little hope left for anyone. So, they boarded up on their bath-time funmobiles and jetted over to the moon. The original inhabitants were of course slaughtered with what is still the most state-of-the-art military armament in the universe, the matchlock musket.

However hey have not been eradicated entirely. Now they live in the supposedly “lava filled” core of the moon/new earth. They have really no way of waging war other then the proliferation of house cats and natural disasters, however we’ve been jamming their control with both disastrous results for both them and us.

And so, there you am, Lindsay Martin of LA, CA. Yes we did land, but it was not on the moon you thought.

A Dindin Din

Ah, hello there. Allow me to introduce yourself to myself. For legal purposes you cannot possibly fathom, my name is Mr. Eccentric, and I am the problem to all your answers… wait, what?

I am the resident advice columnist for the New World Otter. It is here that I will provide answers to all your burning questions about anything at all. Think of me as Dear Whats-her-face – only a guy and minus the straight jacket.

That over with, let’s get to the inaugural question:

Dear Mr. Eccentric,

Help! My boss just invited herself and 30 of our colleagues to my house for dinner. I don’t know what to make. What do you recommend?

“Hungry For Knowledge,”
Eaton, Co

Quite the conundrum. Thankfully this is my area of expertise. I was a mess tent commander during the invasion of Lichtenstein in 1992. Don’t bother to look it up, it’s classified.

What you need is a meal that can feed an army in a short amount of time. You need lasagna. If you’ve not heard of this rare delicacy, its a pasta/cheese/meat dish developed by the British in the 14^th century, and claimed by the Italians soon after. They had a cannon and a flag, so there was no arguments.

Anyway, prepared correctly, a 12in x12in pan can feed half the subcontinent of India; if you have garlic bread, the whole shebang will eat.

Normally, ready made pasta will work. However, this is your boss and only scratch made will make an impression, to be sure. So you need to go out and get your first ingredients – eggs, water and fiberglass.

Fiberglass, I’ve found, is a versatile food stuff. It’s everywhere you look these days, and when prepared can be banged into that signature wavy shape that lasagna layers have. Wet noodles will loose their shape because they have the durability of, well, wet noodles. It’s all in the presentation you see.

Next you need a sauce. No jar stuff for you. You’ll need two bottles of ketchup, vinegar, and 32 bulbs of garlic (to mask the fiberglass aftertaste). Place the bottles of ketchup into boiling water overnight so that the contents leech gradually into the mix. Add the vinegar and crushed garlic (not whole, because thats just disgusting) the next day and let reduce to a thick paste. Add salt to taste.

Finally… cheese. Not one, but two types – any will do; and a lot of it, because you’ll need something to block up the colon to prevent diarrhea.

Layer it all into the pan and bake for 10 minutes. Then presto, a meal for fit for a queen!

With any luck, the meal will end in trip to the hospital for your co-workers and a pink slip for you, because you really shouldn’t be working for someone who invites the entire office to your house for dinner!

Great question, Alicia Ingles of 111 Wilbur Rd. Remember readers, you can submit your questions in total anonymity via the NWOt forums, or emailing somebody connected to the site. It’ll get to me eventually.

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