Yeah, Don't Quit Your Night Job...

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My place of employment is in a unique position in this spiraling economy… we are desperate for new hires! I am not at liberty to mention where I work nor the geographic local it’s in. Suffice it to say if you come across a sun bleached, weather beaten, semi-laminated sign saying “We’re Hiring”, chances are you’ve found it.

Goodness knows its not for lack of warm bodies beating down our door. We average about seven applicants a day, and print out about 50 applications a week. So far, however, the warm body bit has been the only qualification these dregs have met (and some I doubt have that much going for them).

And it’s not that the standards are too high… I mean they hired me for god’s sake. Which leads me to wonder: Is all this unemployment really due to a sagging economy and lack of open positions? I’m starting to have my doubts. From my small slice of the empirical data I can only see a potential workforce made of dingleberries – both with impressive and non-existent resumes.

Those who had jobs and were laid off exhibit arrogance in their abilities; as if they are automatically qualified for any job just because they were able to duck their bosses for 10 years. Those who are just beginning exhibit as sense of entitlement; as if just because they need to start somewhere/anywhere we are mandated by the cosmos to give them a job.

Either case it’s jut not gonna happen. If you don’t have any common sense, the the answer is simple – NO! GTFO!

So, in the interest in helping the some five million unemployed souls catch a break, here is a sampling of automatic disqualifications you should try to avoid:

  • The spelling of your name changes four or more times within the application.
  • Walking straight past the crumbling-yet-rather-obvious “We’re Hiring” sign and asking the nearest employee if we’re hiring.
  • Requesting two or more applications (in case they mess up) while holding a pencil.
  • Asking to see the hiring manager, sans shirt (not as much an issue if female).
  • Asking to see the hiring manager, sans pants (again see previous).
  • Asking to see the hiring manager, fully clothed, but in pajamas.
  • Walking straight past the crumbling-yet-rather-obvious “We’re Hiring” sign and asking the nearest customer if we’re hiring.
  • Listing preferred position as missionary
  • Listing minimum salary requirement: 17.00/hr and Green M&M’s in the breakroom.
  • Asking if we disqualify based on number of murders committed (that really should be listed in the skill set box of the application)

Good luck.

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Ryan is an artist / writer out of Melbourne, FL.

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