The NWOt Guide to Winning the Lotto

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The infamous “They” say that you have a better shot getting hit by lightning than you do hitting the lotto jackpot – 1 in 2,000,000 vs 1 in about 22,957,480¹ (results may vary on your state’s contest, but you get the point).

That’s all well and good when logic and math are applied to the scene; but we’re talking lotto here! Since when has logic or reason ever factored into playing the lotto?

The laws of probability take a hike. Suppose one buys one lottery ticket per week. 13,983,816 [Wikipedia’s entry has the odds 1 in 14million] weeks is roughly 269,000 years; In the quarter-million years of play, one would only expect to win the jackpot once.² Yet, there are many cases of players winning multiple times. There’s more than numbers involved when it comes to winning the lotto.

So with that, we give you the NWOt Guide to winning the lotto by wasting your luck.

Lakshmi - Hindu goddess of luck

Lakshmi is the Hindu goddess of wealth and fortune.³ It’s from her name that the word “luck” comes from.

The Hypothesis of Wasting Ones Luck

It may surprise you that I’ve only once played the game Dungeons and Dragons. Even then it was a brief venture, as the psychotic dungeon master sent my character to an alternate dimension never to return.

After the game I inquired as to why I was made no more and he told me that he did it to save the lives of the other players. You see, I was playing with the extra dice in between turns. Apparently this is a no-no and can have dire consequences later on. I was wasting my luck.

Mathematically speaking, in an ideal world, each time you roll the die your chances are 1 out of 6 (or 1 out of 12, or 100 or whatever number sides). Where and when you roll the die is of little consequence… it’s 1 out of 6 getting a cup of coffee in the kitchen and 1 out of 6 fighting the Bloodthirsty MegalaDoormouse in a battle arena (psychotic dungeon master, remember).

However in the land of luck, misfortune, necessity and Murphy’s laws… you can toss convention out the window.

So, let’s say I roll a 6 off to the side. My turn comes up – I’m hit in the head with an arrow and only a 6 will save my life. Because of my dice fiddling ways, I’ll not get that 6 when I need it because I “used” already it in between turns, and my brains are pinned to a tree. I wasted my luck and, for that matter, a decent amount of greymatter.

With little else to do but wait for my ride to die off as well, I began contemplating this notion. And the more I thought, the more plausible it sounded. Things rarely happen when you really need them to. And crying wolf or rolling sixes, if you prefer, will get you nowhere doubly as fast.

“There’s got to be a practical application to this idea,” thought I. “Where do random numbers and horrid luck cohabitate?”

The answer to this question, and indeed the first answer to any question when trying to find an application for a theory is, of course, the lottery!

We’ve all said at one point “I knew I should have picked that one instead!” Any number you “choose”, by the laws of bad-luck, cannot come up. This is why no matter how you do it – by birthday, anniversary or divination – your numbers never get called. We need to “waste our luck” by choosing a bunch of numbers so their chances of getting called lessen; thus leaving us a set of numbers we didn’t pick, which will invariably get called. The name of the game now is elimination.

What to do:

The problem with coming up with a surefire lotto winning method is the varied number sets available to lotteries. In the United States, each state may have two or three; one with a set from 1-42, another 00 -57, and so on.

Theoretically we could program a random number generator to do the trick. The problem with this is that most RNGs produce numbers with no relation to the previous. This isn’t good… You see the universe is hunting us and uses bad luck as it’s bear trap; chaos is the stick that jams the spring. And in chaos, there can be repetition.

Besides, luck is an archaic element which can’t be combated with modern technology. The only way to do this is with the old fashioned mechanisms of chance – dice and coins.

But we still need a system to get the numbers. To cover all bases it’s probably easiest to make a system for 0-99. I seriously doubt any lotto goes over one-hundred in their scale; if they do, move.

Now, you can go to your local nerdatorium/comic shop and get yourself a D100 (hundred sided die), but that’s not nearly convoluted enough. Like I said, chaos.

So what we’re gonna do is this: get two D6s and four coins. And with these we can “easily” cast within the 0-99 number scale. Conventional thought may lead you to believe we can only do 2-12 this way, or even 11-66 but your wrong.

Each die will have 2 corresponding coins to act as a variables.
Roll your die and toss your coins.
– If the first coin (C1) is heads, go with the number on the die; unless it’s a one.
– If it’s a one, consult C2. If C2 = heads the number is 0; if C2 = tails the number is 1.
– If C1 is tales, then 1 or 2 yields 7; 3 or 4 is 8; 5 or 6 becomes 9.
Redo for the second digit of the number and record it.

The numbers you record are NOT the ones you will be playing. Remember, any number you draw by any method is destined not to come up. What we are doing is eliminating numbers till we get to 5 or 6 not picked (however many you need to play the lotto). The idea here to trick luck into thinking you are actually choosing these numbers, and thus waste the chances they show up.

Don’t worry if you come up with numbers not on your particular lotto card. This protects against the always possible curve ball. Say for example, a plane carrying another state’s lotto machine drops its cargo on the studio where your lotto is being drawn. Should there be more numbers in that lotto, you’re safe because you covered a whole slew of numbers.

And also don’t fret if you keep getting the same numbers over an over again. The more you choose them, the less likely they’ll be chosen by luck.

Once you’ve eliminated all the numbers you need to, do not think about any number what-so-ever, especially the ones your left with. Once you do it’s considered a pick and it’s chances of coming out go down.

The best thing to do is perform the above operations as close to the drawing as possible, then have someone else fill out a new card with the non-eliminated numbers. When you go to pay, act like your playing for the guy who filled in the card, as it never fails to have someone else win on your errand.

Tips, tricks and safeguards.

Focus:

Depending on your lotto scale, it may be a good idea to tailor your number divination to your needs. It will both save time and focus the luck energy to numbers at hand.

I will use the Florida lotto number set for an example. It runs from 1-53. This make things a lot quicker as the set ends in the fifties. I can use a die alone to get the first digit (1,2,3,4,5,6 = 0,1,2,3,4,5 respectively), and thus I can roll both die at the same time.

The second digit will follow the same rules as before. This only leaves 7 numbers (00, 54, 55, 56, 57, 58 , 59) not in the set, as compared to the 47 that would have been had I not focused my method. Like I said before, however, don’t worry about calling numbers not pertaining to your set… it guards against weirdness, which bad luck likes.

Orientation:

The universe is non-linear. Just because you look at your dice from one angle, that doesn’t mean the forces being enacted see things from your point of view. So, in order to cover yourself, it is recommended that when you record your eliminations, you do so from varied directions.

Obviously you begin with the standard left to right reading. But what if you’re on the wrong side of the table? I recommend at least adding the right to left reading onto your lotto card, in case your seat is cursed. True paranoids can take the numbers from another face – not the one pointing up but at you.

Should you have any games left on your card, add a few quick picks for good measure.

Anti-Mojo:

Keeping in mind that we’re divining these numbers under the ruse we actually want them. So we can do things that would otherwise inadvertently curse those numbers and not care. It’ll actually help. Think of it as a bad-luck feedback loop. Just as a negative times a negative equals a positive integer, our bad luck times the universe’s natural bad luck has got to equal good fortune!

Bad Karma Charm This can be done in many ways, so you need to be creative. I, for example, painted a black cat on the cup I used to toss the die and coins, and used WWII era Nazi Reichsmarks instead of pennys. As I recall, the Germans didn’t fair too well back then.

And there you have it: How to win the lotto by wasting your luck. It’s just as sound as any other cockamamie get rich scheme. Should you win anything, please keep us in mind when it comes to handing out those 10%s. Happy betting!


Works Exploited List
1 – Webmath.com Lottery Calculator – [09/28/06]
2 – Wikipedia Lotto article – [10/01/06]
3 – Wikipedia Lakshmi article – [10/01/06]
4 – Pre doctored Lakshmi graphic – [08/12/06]
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About Author

Ryan is an artist / writer out of Melbourne, FL.

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