Ok this Koala climbs a telephone pole and….

Oh no? What about their egos?

Last Wednesday the face of television was changed forever. Well, mine was anyway, as I had put my shoe through it. Yep, you guessed it; Fox had another brilliant idea in the form of Man vs. Beast, a show that pitted animals against vegetables on a network made by people with calcium deposits in the brain.

For those of you who saw it, I pity you. Those that didn’t see it, well, FEEL MY PAIN!!

My agent is SOOO fired.

Man vs. Bear: If someone was to come up to me and ask, “who would win in a fight – a huge Kodiak bear or a hundred pound human?” I would have to say the bear.

“Ah,” that someone continues, “but there’s a snag, this contest involves eating hot dogs…” Oh, well in that case I’d have to go with, oh I dunno… THE BEAR! Did you not hear me the first time?

Bear handler Steve Martin… No, not THAT Steve Martin…

Apparently not, cause they went ahead staged this little scuffle. And, amidst the high voltage wires and armory of tranquilizer guns, the Kodiak bear (dubbed the “Alaskan Cruncher”) won, consuming fifty hot dogs in under three minutes. There’s never anyone around to bet with. Though I must say I’m impressed with the human, who happens to be the world’s eating champion. He was able to consume 31 and a half in the same time. Maybe next time… if he goes up against a raccoon or something.

That I’m Feelin’?

Is this love?

Man vs. Orangutan: Take one fresh from the zoo orangutan and one fresh from the zoo Sumo wrestler, tie them together with rope and have a tug of war… why lord? Why?.

“Commenting” on this “event” was “famed” “naturalist” Jules “Sylvester,” who placed his money on the primate due to the fact they swing from trees all day and are almost pure upper body strength, which is good for this type of competition. However, Mr. Sylvester then suddenly switched sides after the “Sumo” said he would win cause he was bigger… “sigh”

Commentary by Carl Lewis. Yes THAT Carl Lewis.

Man vs. Giraffe and Zebra: Who would win in a 100m dash, but on two different surfaces in weather not conducive to neither African plains animal nor Olympic sprinter? This one begged the question, “why even bother?” First they make the competition unequal by putting the animals on racetrack surface and the man on blacktop. Last time I checked, there weren’t too many highways parallel to stretches of ripped up sod out on the veldt. On top of that, the temperature was 40 degrees F. Now I realize this show is a lot of hooey, but at least make it a competition that could actually happen… on equal terms.

The bad news is – the giraffe lost. So I doubt the action figures will be found in Toys ‘R’ Us. It was his own fault though… he tripped.

The good new is the Zebra won, twice. Yes, twice. You see the Zebra false started the first time, like that made much of a distance. The man was beaten by at least 3 lengths each time.

Suck it up dude and take it like a…

Ah yes, but who is SUPERIOR?

Man vs. Chimp: Ah the classic rivalry to see who actually evolved. Up till now, this battle took place in high tech NASA labs and training facilities. Thanks to Fox however, we’ll got to see the quintessential showdown… on a cheaply made obstacle course?.

Well, the chimp lost. The man, ex Navy SEAL Scott Helvenston, had this to say of the failed chimp: “It’s just a wannabe human.”

It’s good to know if an army of apathetic monkeys invaded us, our armed forces could cope.

Look, she isn’t even trying!

40 little people vs. Elephant: Indeed, this was the crowning glory of this fine program. I don’t even know where to begin on this one…. Take 40 little people (a.k.a. midgets, in case you didn’t know the modern P.C. term) and harness them to a DC-10 (a huge jet plane), do the same to an Asian Elephant and tell them both to run! Who would finish first? Oh yes, please tell me. I need the answer to this question that’s been burning in the collective head of humanity for eons.

And the best the best thing about using little people, they work for peanuts! Wait a minute!

All in all a very complete contest. We now concretely know animals will beat us 4 out of 6 times should we face them at a carnival. There was one event missing though: Who would win – 1000 monkeys at 1000 typewriters, or the jackass who came up with Man vs. Beast?