Insults and Overviews
Holy monkeys, would Bram Stoker have an aneurysm along with Mary Shelly at the sight of this abomination of cinematic sewage! Where to begin? Van Helsing is apparently the Lieutenant of God (yes, God is a military power) who suffers amnesia and works for the Vatican ridding the world of evil monsters, trying to save their human (and therefore inherently good) counter parts. He is of course Lethal Weapon’s Mel Gibson character in the 19th Century European Monster Criminal Justice System.
He goes to Transylvania to stop Dracula from bringing life to the thousands of children he’s had with his three concubines. Dracky-baby’s kids apparently are born dead in egg sacks reminiscent of the Alien movies. Throw in a werewolf that jumps from tree to tree like Mighty Joe Young and an intellectually advanced Frankenstein and you’ve got the reason my red-neck friends weren’t sharing any of the Captain Morgan we brought into the movie theater that night.
This movie had such potential, but instead wasted its efforts courting the all mighty dollar from bitchy 14 year olds. Entertaining? Well, only if you consider the constant stream of, "No, No, No. That's not right. That's not the way the story goes. What the HELL are they talking about now?!! Dracula has babies?!! They're supposed to be dead and sterile and needing to convert the living to their version of the living dead!!! WHO WROTE THIS?!!"… entertaining. The only difference between the rankness of this junk and The Ring is that at no given time is The Ring even remotely coherent or understandable.
Based on its utter crappiness and the fact that I got a whole swing on the flask that night, I'm giving Van Helsing a grand 1/3 of a point for assigning the proper names to the monsters they decided to feature. Big Momma's House, you just keep looking better and better.