Gnome Problemo

Dear Mr. Eccentric

I accidentally knocked over and broke my neighbor’s gnome collection, and now they’re leaving passive-aggressive notes in my mailbox. Should I offer to replace the gnomes or pretend to not know what happened?

Sincerely
Garden Variety Putz
Rose City, MI

Dear Garden Variety Putz,

It’s hard to respond to this as I can’t quite tell whether it’s the neighbors or the gnomes leaving notes in your mailbox. Either way, it looks like the jig is up. You’ve either been caught on a fairy-ring camera or spotted by a raven.

If I had to guess, it would be the neighbors plaguing your post. While garden gnomes themselves aren’t vindictive, some of their kin might not have appreciated your clumsiness. City Gnomes (aka Metrognomes), for example, are very protective of their suburban counterparts and have no qualms about taking the time to beat gnome-tippers—it’s one of their signature services.

However, if they’re just blanketing the neighborhood with trolling letters to ferret out a suspect, I’d keep quiet.

Offering to replace the gnomes would only lead to explaining how you ended up in the flowerbed bowling over brownies in the first place. So not only would you be answering to the fae-folk, you’d have to explain yourself to the fuzz as well.

Which inevitably means jailhouse gnomes… and, well, have you ever been on the business end of a pointed hat?

No, for now, just weather the hate mail. In time, start sending them anonymous “forgive-me” gnomes. By winter, this will all blow over. Just be sure not to mess up the blow-up elves when they come out. Nobody gets off that list.

-Mr. Eccentric