An Open Letter…

To the punks who stole my garbage can lid,

The winter season is upon us. As such, the horrific winds and snows this time of year can be quite brutal. That is why it caused much dismay to see my garbage can unlidded. The sight of naked garbage on the curbside in 20-degree temperature is indeed a miserable one.

Begrudgingly, I put on slippers to seek out the vagrant top. However it was to no avail; the top was stolen. And I am sure it was stolen for other lids, equi-sized and weighted, if wind blown, were only feet from their parent cans and not missing.

So I say to you, the pail-cover bandit, or bandits, return the object in question or there will be hell to pay. You hear me? Hell!

Now, I know what you’re thinking: “How can he pay me hell if he doesn’t know who I am?” Well, one advantage to being head of a multi-faceted organization is – I know all. I know who you are and where you live. I know what bus routes go past your house.

Another advantage is that you do not know who I am or where I live. So this means EVERYONE who has stolen a can lid in the past 13 hours will have to return it to its rightful owner in order to ensure a safe night. For you cannot know if you are the one in question, can you? No.

You have 6 hours. If there is no lid on my can by then, well: you will be beaten about the head and shoulders with a modest sized dumpster; your family shall be chopped up and buried alive (or as alive as can be expected after being chopped up) in said dumpster; and your parakeet shall be roasted on an open flame. That is, of course, if you have a parakeet… for that I don’t know. Or don’t I? Non-parakeet owners are not off the hook.

Oh, if you, the lid thief, do not read this blog… that’s your own fault.

Time’s a wastin’.