My Lunch With Steven

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dellvilA few months ago I had a chance to sit down and chat with Dell Dude Steven, famous spokesperson of Dell computer systems. The conversation was very revealing, and I think I almost turned the lad around from his spastic ways; but alas soon after this very conversion, he turned into a pile of goo only able to say but a few lines of text. See for yourself, AIM him at DellDudeSteven. Ah see! I told you…. goo.

Anyway, here is the encore presentation of My Lunch With Steven.

RML : Tell me about your childhood.
DellDudeSteven : you want me 2 tell u about your childhood?
RML : yes
DellDudeSteven : that right?
RML : yes
DellDudeSteven : aha.
RML : Great band, but tell me about your upbringing
DellDudeSteven : great band but tell u about my upbringing? that’s pretty interesting, RML.
RML : Is it? How?
DellDudeSteven : it’s tough 2 say.
RML : I know its tough, but its good to get things out in the open
DellDudeSteven : but it is good to get things out in the open! interesting.
RML : You’re being hostile
DellDudeSteven : oh yeah??
RML : See
DellDudeSteven : what about see?
RML : That isn’t even proper English
DellDudeSteven : 4 real?
RML : yes
DellDudeSteven : yup
RML : uh huh
DellDudeSteven : yep!
>>> wanna figure out which dell system is best for u? type “my dell” 2 find out about some excellent setups…

RML : don’t change the subject…. Tell me about when you were young!
DellDudeSteven : yeah yeah, whatever.
RML : We can’t solve your problem without getting to the roots of the problem… your roots
DellDudeSteven : oh yeah?
RML : That is right
DellDudeSteven : no way!!! really?
RML : way
DellDudeSteven : no way
RML : way
DellDudeSteven : no way
RML : way
DellDudeSteven : no way
RML : way
DellDudeSteven : no way

RML : way plus 1
DellDudeSteven : really? 1?
RML : 2
DellDudeSteven : i’m sorry, what?
RML : 2
DellDudeSteven : i’m trying 2 understand u but i can’t.
RML : Two!
DellDudeSteven : Two!? what about it?
RML : What comes after it you Wayne’s World reject
DellDudeSteven : oh really?
RML : sorry wrong syntax: (:-\) : what comes after it you Wayne’s World reject?
DellDudeSteven : i can’t be too sure.
RML : Can’t you answer any questions
DellDudeSteven : maybe, maybe not. u know how it is.
anyway, what else can u tell me?

RML : This isn’t about me
DellDudeSteven : is that right?
RML : Steven, if that is your real name, I have called you here because you have serious problems. You are a twit, and not only that, but a burned out idiot. But, Lord knows why, I feel it is my duty to help you.
DellDudeSteven : yeah?
RML : yes, now, I want you to take a look at some pictures and tell me what you see. OK?
DellDudeSteven : wow, that’s crazy… i just dunno!
RML : Well, think it over and get back to me later. But we must do something, your time is almost up.
DellDudeSteven : yeah??
RML : Yes
DellDudeSteven : uh huh
so anyway… what else can u tell me?

RML : I can tell you that you’re wasting the peoples time.
DellDudeSteven : really?
RML : You do know this is a live interview, right?
DellDudeSteven : i see what you’re saying… but i’m not totally sure.
RML : Look around you… cameras, microphones and a stenographer with really fast hands… Hi Betty.
DellDudeSteven : ah, u want 2 find out about digital cameras, huh? sweet! u can learn all about what 2 look for in Dell’s Digital Camera Buying Guide. then if u want 2 get one, u can check out Dell’s fine, fine selection of choices…

**next line removed due to shameless linking by steven**

RML : That’s not what I meant and you know it.
DellDudeSteven : that a fact?
RML : yes
DellDudeSteven : yeah
RML : Stop that!
DellDudeSteven : u stop.
RML : No, you stop!
DellDudeSteven : oh??
RML : You’re making me angry.
DellDudeSteven : oh really?
RML : yes you are
DellDudeSteven : u humans always say the weirdest things!
well. anyway…
i know a thing or three about computers. try me…

RML : AHA!!!! You humans eh? You’re not human are you?
DellDudeSteven : yeah, maybe!
RML : Explains a lot
DellDudeSteven : explains a lot? i dunno.
RML : Hmm lets do some free association, shall we? I say a word, you say the first thing that comes to mind. k?
DellDudeSteven : i’m not so sure about that, RML.
RML : Well give it a go, alright?
DellDudeSteven : ha! who knows?
RML : Ok
DellDudeSteven : yeah
it’s all good. so, tell me something new.

RML : First word: Bread.
DellDudeSteven : huh?
RML : Bread
DellDudeSteven : what about it?
RML : what comes to mind when I say bread?
DellDudeSteven : funny. i just dunno!
RML : ok, Fish
DellDudeSteven : k
anyway, what else do u wanna talk about?

RML : fish.
DellDudeSteven : fish? why did u say that?
RML : free association, remember… now focus
DellDudeSteven : what?
RML : pay attention
DellDudeSteven : i’m here!
>>> ok, ok, so i’m really a robot… if u type “home” i’ll show u all the stuff i like 2 talk about.
RML : robot, feh…. quit making stuff up

DellDudeSteven : ha! u humans say weird things.
ok, ok… enuf of that… what else is up?

RML : Gateway
DellDudeSteven : there are lots of great computers out there, but i like Dell’s the best. wanna know why?
RML : no
DellDudeSteven : ok
RML : Gateway
DellDudeSteven : there are lots of great computers out there but Dell’s the best, IMHO. wanna know why?
RML : IBM
DellDudeSteven : there are lots of great computers out there, but i like Dell’s the best. wanna know why?
RML : MAC
DellDudeSteven : there are lots of great computers out there but Dell’s the best, IMHO. wanna know why?
RML : I’m sensing repression
DellDudeSteven : oh really??
RML : Pacard Bell
DellDudeSteven : i’ll have 2 think about that 4 awhile.
RML : Commodore 64
DellDudeSteven : i seem 2 be having some trouble answering your questions. try asking for help for a specific service:
1 Dell help
2 hangman help

RML : Newton
DellDudeSteven : newton?
RML : you know, Apple’s first palm device
DellDudeSteven : ok, what about it?
RML : what do you think about it
DellDudeSteven : it? i dunno what i think of it.
RML : doesn’t surprise me a bit.
DellDudeSteven : what? doesn’t surprise u a bit?
RML : never mind
DellDudeSteven : ok, fine.
RML : moving on
DellDudeSteven : ha!
anyway, yadda yadda yadda… what else u wanna chat about?

RML : Compaq
DellDudeSteven : there are lots of great computers out there, but i like Dell’s the best. wanna know why?
RML : Hewlet Packard
DellDudeSteven : what was that?
RML : Hewlett Packard
DellDudeSteven : i’m trying 2 understand u but i can’t.
RML : ok ok
DellDudeSteven : yup
RML : ball
DellDudeSteven : ball? what about it?
RML : Oh look, our time together is done. what a shame
DellDudeSteven : huh!
>>> curious about printers? dell has a great buying guide that will tell u about photo-quality printers.

RML : When should we schedule our next meeting?
DellDudeSteven : good question. i don’t know when we should schedule our next meeting.
RML : ok, I’ll get in touch with you later on that… just one more question.
DellDudeSteven : oh yeah?
RML : If you were a tree, what would you be?
DellDudeSteven : i’ll have 2 think about that 4 awhile.
RML : you do that
DellDudeSteven : i do that? u really think so?

Actual AIM Transcript… note, this was a bot, not actually what’s his face.

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Ryan is an artist / writer out of Melbourne, FL.

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