Dear Mr. Eccentric,
I am a veteran of the Cabbage Patch Wars of the 80’s and Elmo Wars of the 90’s. This year I’ve been drafted by my youngest granddaughter to get some newfangled digital thing available this Black Friday. But I’ve seen so much horror, I don’t think I can do it again. Suggestions?
Grandfather of the Revolution
First off, thank you for your service. I don’t know how our economy would have survived all those decades without your purchases of yarn and felt.
Second off, drafted you say? Well you can always do go the classic route and head to Canada. You might have a chance of getting in, as your situation is wildly different than most people’s reasons this year.
You could also go the extremely classic route and pay to get out of your conscription. Back in the 1860s, during the First Civil War, rich snobs could hire a stand-in to go fight. Usually some poor schlep originally overlooked because they were living out of a yet-to-be-invented-refrigerator box. In the absence of a desperate sucker, the drafted could pay $300 and forget this matter ever came up. Of course this could never have happened in modern times, but this is a hypothetical…
Rather than fixing your bayonet for this post-Thanksgiving charge, why not hire a stand in. I’m sure there’s got to be someone in your town in need of cash and has the skill-set to sit outside a Best Buy all night.
Or forego the substitute and just fork over the moolah to the kid. Actual cash please, no gift cards – we are, after all, still in character and plastic is so anachronistic.
Or Or, you can go the classy route and donate in your granddaughter’s name! Surprise, you’ve been drawn into my semi-regular charity drive!
Having spent, what, 4 paragraphs now dressed in woolen Union Blues, maybe you can truly now empathize with those who’ve sacrificed during the holiday season.
Here are some groups helping the troops:
The USO – If you don’t know who they are or what they do by now, well, that’d be sad.
Cell Phone’s For Soldiers – Let our troops phone home this holiday season.
Wounded Warriors – Doing nice things for our wounded vets and their families
Military Working Dog Foundation – Because it’s not only humans risking life and limb for our security.
Sure, your granddaughter won’t like it now… but give it a few years, you never know. She may be forced to accept and appreciate the fact someone’s looking out for those who serve. Fingers crossed it never ever comes to that.