Where’s Your Poseidon Now?

Dear Mr. Eccentric

I can’t help but think there’s not enough coverage and/or outrage over the Deepwater Horizon disaster in the Gulf of Mexico. There seemed to be way more coverage and scandal with the Exon Valdez than with this rig. I don’t get it. I mean don’t get me wrong, the Valdez was horrendous; but that was a finite amount of oil working on one habitat… where this rig is spewing an infinite amount of oil into countless fragile wetland ecosystems and affecting all sorts of seafood related industries. We didn’t have the 24hr news cycle back then nor the greenmindedness we have now, and yet, there’s only been but a dull roar from the media and a prodded response from government. What gives?

Ralph Moore

We didn’t have a reliance on bottled water nor the affinity for gourmet cooking we do today either. Confused?

The beating around the bush reaction to this disaster is all due to a misunderstanding on the part of a low level cog in the Illuminati’s Foodie Division and his part to cover up his blunder. The I.F.D. being the wing of the worldwide conspiracy that creates all the food trends that seem to come around for no good reason – like everyone and their mother putting out Buffalo chicken (yay) or suddenly serving everything with chipotle or arugala with a light aioli (meh).

When the news broke out that the rig had sunk, news analysts began their barely-enough-info-to-pass-2nd-grade reports on the type of toxins being leaked by the disaster. In this case the substance in question is a lightweight oil lovingly referred to as “sweet;” and, that in a matter of days, the wildlife would be marinating in this stuff.

This misguided Illuminati figured shrimp infused in sweet oil straight from the sea would be a great new foodie fad, and thus sent the signal to the governments to drag their feet. That is till he realized that oil from the ground and oil from pressed veggies were not at all equal. Something to do with a night of drinking and Biodiesel lectures got his wires crossed.

In order to save face, the lackey changed his story. He “determined” that this slick of petroleum would, yes, toxify any seafood it came in contact with, but with a beneficial effect.

As we know, bottled water is a billion dollar industry facing some scrutiny due possible chemical seepage from the bottles. Plastic bottles are made from, amongst other things, oil byproducts.

If enough petroleum based toxins are ingested at the casual dining level, humanity would have built up an immunity to these chemicals and ready to not only continue buying bottled water as a supplemental source of hydration, but as a primary source too… after the Illuminati turn of the potable water supply in ten years.

As appealing as a solution to the “Waterworks Quandry” was, after a month’s deliberation, the high level Masters decided that they would have to act beneficially in this case and finally loosened the reigns on government and business to fix the mess after all.

As for the party responsible in the first place, though we’ve never heard of him before, I’m doubly sure we never will in the future.