How to be a Creep at Xmas

constributed to by Ryan Livingston & Ray Macula

The Christmas season is upon us… again. Year after year it’s the same old thing, same Santa, same carols, same socks, same fruitcake (dusted off and re-packaged of course).

In order to make Christmas a little more interesting allow us to present ways to become a Christmas creep this season. Don’t worry, Santa’s no longer looking in order to fill his production quota.

Ask for gifts that come in large and/or odd packaging; something that when wrapped it’ll be obvious what it is. This gives the giver the challenge of wrapping creatively, making Xmas a sport of sorts.

Wait on the roof with a hose and hope the carolers come around on a particularly cold night.

Find where your loved ones hide the presents, then move them to the other side of the house. Be sure to have popcorn ready when they go to get them.

Go to midnight mass and instead of falling asleep, argue with the priest/minister.

Replace all the booze at your Xmas party with non-alcoholic substitutes then bribe your guests for better gifts (and cash) with the good booze.

Take the eggs you’ve saved from Easter and add them to the batch waiting to go in the nog.

Tell your guests that you’ll be playing one of the few movies out there that sow the true meaning of Christmas, and then put on Jurassic Park 3.

Shoot your limit of those Blow-up Reindeer Lawn decorations.

Then go to town on the Snowmen and Santas.

Put turbans on all of the ornaments and decorations that are human/human like; eg, Santa, teddy bears, etc.

Cry about not getting a dreidel.

Encourage children to wake their parents at 4am both on the 24th and 26th yelling, “Santa Came, Santa Came”

Rig the lights on the Xmas tree so they go up the angel’s skirt (conveniently sitting on top of the tree. Then rant for 30 minutes on what kind of funk things could be going on “up there,” as well as remark “no wonder she’s got such a big smile.”

Put The Chipmunks Christmas Song on loop, and hide the CD player.

Put mistletoe in the bathroom, and then wait outside whenever a pretty girl goes in.

Pronounce the “T” in Christmas.

And always remember:

Closet Doors
Do not a prison make,
Nor Scotch Tape
A barricade
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Written by

Ryan Livingston

Ryan Livingston

Artist / Writer / internet disk jockey / retail wage slave / carbon based lifeform. Founder of the New World Otter and RML Studios